Friday, October 9, 2009

Redskins 2-2 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Recap

(pouring beer out for our dead homie Sean Taylor, in front of his house, I think)
The Redskins came away with a W last weekend against the stupid fucking Buccaneers who were shittier than I could've imagined, and this week it has been glad handing and "off the hot seat" talk, like they turned it around and dominated the Bucs like a solid pro football team should have. Except halfway through the third quarter, they were down 10 to 3, and honestly, we had company, so I was cooking some sausages and red peppers on the grill and running in to see shit after halftime, and I saw the touchdown, and was like, "Oh cool, these assholes at least tied it up," and go back outside. Of course, five minutes later I come back in and it's only 10 to 9, still the Bucs leading by a point, because taking for granted an extra point is too fucking much. But nonetheless, I moved the Skins metaphysical pseudo-science scale up one spot positively, because honestly, it probably won't get much better this year, so why run it all the way negative now? Enjoy the victory, as ugly as it was.
3RD DEGREE POSITIVE - GREG BLACHE. Last week after the Lions loss, even though he didn't have to, defensive coordinator Greg Blache fell on the sword. Even though the offense was like a limp dick being forced into a wet pussy sideways (that means the Lions defense is a wet pussy in my world), Blache said it was the defense's fault entirely, and that meant his fault entirely, because he needed to free players up to make player plays. Of course this is all bullshit, but the old dude made it seem real. And Greg Blache is one of those old school beautiful straight up shit-talking coaches that makes football so great. Blache is a grizzled old black man who would've been on the Cosby Show teaching Theo how to play in the living room by having him move all the furniture and Cliff is laughing because this is his old coach, and after he moves the furniture, Coach Blache says, "Well move it all back Theo, I've gotta go." And Theo has moved all this heavy assed furniture by himself, and Cliff laughs, and Theo rolls his eyes like a bug and everybody is like, "Ah-ha, old black man Miyagi type shit going on, isn't that cute?" and then that fat white kid from next door runs upstairs to hide in the clothes hamper. That's Greg Blache. Before the game Saturday night, he gave a defensive players speech that apparently got the dudes fired up and ready to roll into the Taliban stronghold of Kandahar and fight the Afghanis with blitz packages and soft corner coverages. Seriously. This filtered down to London Fletcher, who is pretty much the best dude on the Redskins whether I give him positive degrees after a game or not, who gave a whole team players only speech where coaches were invited but had to stay silent. Dudes got fired up. Of course, none of this sunk in the first half of the game, but none of that matters because it doesn't fulfill the proper role of these stories, which is to make it seem like these guys are getting their shit together, which they're not. But Blache is obviously being pre-ordained, from properly positioned Washington Post articles, to his old-timey homeboy Sherman Lewis being hired as an "offensive consultant" this week, to be the interim coach once Dan Snyder decides to shitcan Coach Z. I feel bad for Zorny, but I don't mind Blache. It's too bad we live in a racist fucking age-ist world where an old kooky black crotch like Greg Blache couldn't be the actual head coach and not just a fill-in until Snyder throws yachtloads of money as Cowher or Shanahan or some other overrated white guy fuckface.
2ND DEGREE POSITIVE - CHRIS COOLEY. When the Skins were still trailing in the second half, I made the early decision to just make Alexander Ovechkin the most positive degree of this team, because it is amazing to me as a lifelong Redskins fan how much people are talking hockey this year, after only one month of pro football. Like, Ovechkin is probably bigger than anybody on the Skins right now, and the dude is young. Shit, I want to buy a #8 Ovechkin Redskins jersey. (Hahaha, like I buy shit like that. I broke forever, that's my word, that's my bond, that's my goddamned genetic doom from womb to tomb.) Well, not only is Cooley such a straight up dude that he got his yards and a TD in the game Sunday, he also hooked up Mike Green and Alexander Semin from the Caps with press passes as representatives of Cooley's blog, and the Caps guys kicked it and asked questions in the post-game pressers and everything. Very chill move on Cooley's part. The past couple weeks have made me feel bad for ever talking shit on that dude's name. Chris Cooley is as solid a bro as the pro football game can have in the year 2009. XOXOXO #47.
1ST DEGREE POSITIVE - REED DOUGHTY. He replaced my man Chris Horton as a starter this past week, which sucks, but it's hard not to like Reed Doughty. Every team should have that one whiteboy safety who kind of sticks around and sometimes knocks the shit out of someone but mostly just kinda does a decent job for like nine years straight and makes his home crowd proud since most NFL fanbases are composed of closet racist white people who love white defensive backs and white running backs. Love them. To make this all the better, Reed Doughty is legally deaf. The dude has to read lips and use hand signals and shit. I think he's that legally deaf type that can actually hear some shit, but not most shit, kinda like that cross-eyed dude who was governor of New York after the hooker dude was blind but could kinda see shit, and I don't mean kinda see like Greek tragedy blind dudes either. My boy Doughty got tackles galore last Sunday, and was pretty much the only dude who did good both halves of the game. Also, my other boy Chris Horton coming off the bench made some timely ass plays. Maybe the Skins should bench hype machine Laron Landry and play the dirt dog low draft pick safeties together.
EVEN - JEREMY JARMON. Brian Orakpo was the big draft pick that gets all the hype, and deservedly so. But this supplemental draft pick-up (that costs us a 3rd round pick in next year's draft) is shaping up pretty well thus far, which bodes well for the aforementioned Orakpo. With Jarmon being the young buck taking the DE spot when available, Orakpo's floater position doesn't have to be tied to the hands down DE spot so much, and he can free range as linebacker/DE hybrid, and unleash his inner-monster a little easier. I really like the Skins getting both these guys this year together, and see both of them fulfilling more promise than a lot of other heavily hyped defensive guys (like Laron Landry or Carlos Rogers or even Rocky McIntosh).
1ST DEGREE NEGATIVE - SANTANA MOSS. Okay, dude has busted out two games in a row, and for that I'm glad. But this past week, the crowd is booing, rightfully so, because the Skins are sucking again, and when Moss gets a touchdown, he actually does the finger to the mouth "Sshhh" thing to his own home crowd. Dude, what the fuck? It's not like you've been scoring 38 points a game or anything. You often hear it said, "act like you've been there", usually meaning don't be all braggadacio over some regular ass actions. Well, I kinda wish Santana Moss didn't act like he'd been there already, when he gets a first down and celebrates like he's the MVP of the Super Bowl, or gets a touchdown and tells the home crowd to stifle their boos because he's been getting touchdowns all day every day. Plus, when it comes to media day talk of how talented and great this team is and we should be doing better, and we will, just wait, nobody kicks that style harder than Santana. Fuck that bullshit. This is the NFL. Every team is talented. Every fucking team here is talented. Don't believe your own press releases and the parade of the past Lombardi trophies that Dan Snyder does every time he hires a new janitor for Redskins Park. Also, I'd like to clarify that there's something wrong with the way Santana Moss runs. Like, I know he's short, but when he's running off for a touchdown like he has the past two weeks, thank them gods, he's either taking really fast baby steps or is shuffling his legs like Shaggy and Scooby Doo running from ghosts that are actually evil bankers trying to steal gold bullion or something. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but Santana Moss doesn't look right running full speed like that. It kinda creeps me out to be honest.
2ND DEGREE NEGATIVE - CARLOS ROGERS. Rogers had a pass go right into his chest last weekend and it bounced out. You know, if he was more of shutdown corner like a #9 overall draft pick four years ago would be expected to be, I wouldn't mind the fact he couldn't catch a ball if they had football tees like baseball tees and it was set up in front of him for him to grab and run with. He'd grab the flimsy plastic part, trip over the base, and stumble off with the ball falling on the ground beside him. Then he'd slap his hands together and act like, "Damn, I almost had that." In fact, once Carlos Rogers' playing days are done in D.C., that'll pretty much some it up, he almost had it, but never quite got it. Ever. Plenty of flashes of slightly-above-average, but never a fully focused image of greatness.
3RD DEGREE NEGATIVE - JASON CAMBPELL. I will just say from the get-go that I like Jason Campbell. I think he's a good dude, and if I had to pick an NFL starting QB to kick it in my back yard and play horseshoes with while kids run around and that one couples' kid is kind of unwatched and keeps wandering closer and closer to where we're throwing horseshoes, and you keep warning her to not come too close, wondering where her parents are to parent this situation, but you sometimes wish there was a lightweight horseshoe you could just clock the kid with so they'd learn the hard way, if the for-real hard way wasn't so goddamned hard. But man, that was a shitty game Jason Campbell had last week, and if he had been playing a regular pro football team, his two quick TD strikes wouldn't have been able to negate four fucking turnovers on his part. But it did. And I really hope it was somehow a magical clicking of the switch and Jason Campbell's gonna be the man from here on out. I would love to have him succeed and be the Redskins QB for years to come, because he's a likeable guy. But fuck man, shit's gotta start happening.
4TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - JIM ZORN. Oh poor poor Zorny. I have come to love this man like a retarded cat with crooked eyes, a missing ear, and a meow like that cat on Pet Sematery. If you have not seen it on the Sportscenters, you should youtube "Zorn press conference Jason Campbell" from this past week, because Zorn's response was the greatest most bumblefucked zen doofus shit ever. Hell, anyone can see the writing on the wall, and Dan Snyder is already greasing up a banana peel for Zorny to slip on and get thrown under the team bus, but I wish they'd just keep paying Zorn his contract now to be the media relations guy, because he's awesome. I don't know how well he's done as a head coach, but again, he's a likeable guy. It sucks that Snyder's brought in an "offensive consultant" to take over when he fires Zorny in a few weeks during the bye week, because that makes Zorny's spot just like Jason Campbell's was in the offseason. Again, in the bizarre case someone from inside the Redskins locker room or coaching staff sees this, Zorny should rewatch Major League and set up a cardboard cutout of Dan Snyder covered in an outfit, and tell the team how Snyder wants them all to fail so he can replace them all with some other more famous assholes, but fuck him, they're gonna win anyways, and fire the team up. And each win, they remove a piece of cutout Dan Snyder's clothing, until the last game of the year, to make the playoffs, and they win and remove the last piece at Snyder's crotch, and it's a vagina instead of a penis.
5TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - DAN SNYDER. Die already you meddling asshole. Catch AIDS. Have twelve Six Flags roller coaster death personal injury lawsuits next spring. Wreck your helicopter. Have zombie Dick Clark eat your brains during one of your famous people sleepovers at your Potomac River mansion. Get busted for Tom Cruise letting you have sex with one of his kids. Anything. Just go away. Or at least get out of the way. Something. Seriously. Before I die.
ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2009, BEST TO WORST (ties broken by my personal opinion): TE Chris Cooley (+7), MLB London Fletcher (+5), DC Greg Blache (+3), SS Chris Horton (+2), SS Reed Doughty (+1), P Hunter Smith (+1), DE Jeremy Jarmon (even), WR/PR Antwan Randle El (even), HB Clinton Portis (-1), FS Laron Landry (-2), CB Carlos Rogers (-2), DT Albert Haynesworth (-3), CB DeAngelo Hall (-3), WR Devin Thomas (-3), LB Robert Henson (-3), WR/PR Santana Moss (-5), QB Jason Campbell (-8), Coach Jim Zorn (-14), Owner Dan Snyder (-20).

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