Sunday, September 27, 2009

it's all love.

Man, this weekend started off pretty awesome. I've been off my medication for three months now and this was the first week I've felt like a normal human being, which means I can feel things like excitement, pride and more importantly, love. I started off the weekend...well I don't remember how it started off because I drank myself into oblivion, but I do know I convinced my ex-wife to go on a birthday vacation with me where we won't argue about petty things like alimony payments and who should really claim ownership of the lawnmower (I live in New York City now, so I'm just saying I want the thing to be a dick), but instead we'll hate fuck each other until we can't walk anymore. I am really into the simpler things in life I swear.

Enough about me though. I think this is supposed to be about football! Well, this Sunday I was very excited because a friend and I were invited to a very private VIP function at an undisclosed location in NYC. I don't like to brag about my socialite status on the internet, but let's just say this was very exclusive. Unfortunately, shortly after getting prepared (i.e. drinking a liter of Maker's Mark at 11am) for the event, the hatred set in.

I made my way to the event to find my friend not there yet. He ended up showing up an hour and a half late because he's a shithead, and since going places alone is for nerds, I HAD to wait for him. Long story short, by the time we sat down to order our food, they were already out of the tartar of kobe beef with imperial beluga caviar and belons oysters, and seriously the only reason you even go to these fucking things is for the tartar of kobe beef (and to stare at Mariah Carey's tits because she usually shows up). Needless to say I was fucking steamed and wanted to pull a Trick Daddy and order some fried chicken delivery right there, but I didn't want to be uncouth, so I made my way home to eat fried chicken in peace.

It took me a little while to get home, but luckily I was just in time to turn on the tv (I got that Sharp 108". No big whoop) and see cocksucker motherfucker Brett Favre do some bullshit fucking last second play to give the cum gargling Vikings their third godforsaken victory in a row. I have never wanted a living being terminated more than Brett Favre. I was so upset, I had to pace around the rumpus room before ordering my bucket of chicken. Luckily, there was some good news before the game started; The Lions beat the Redskins! I was really worried the Bears might fuck up and give the Lions their first win in 37 years, but those good old Redskins pulled through and became 2009's most embarrassing team of the year pretty early in the season! Did you see how shook Jim Zorn was in the postgame press conference? He looked like Chris Partlow and Snoop were outside waiting for him (Hip The Wire reference that a faggot blogger would make. I'm not a faggot blogger though, I have someone dictate my thoughts and then blog them for me. The person who blogs them (Nelson) is a faggot blogger(Sorry Nelson) (It's ok Mike)).

Fuck where was I? Oh yeah, so the 4pm games started and I wasn't getting the Bears game on my television (I know what you're thinking, "why don't you just get the Direct Tv Football Season Pass Ticket" or whatever it's called. Well to put it simply, I am not bowing down to any jew overlords. Sorry guys), but at like 4:08 the updates came on the TV and the Bears were already losing to the Seahawks 10-0, whom I legit thought transferred to the CFL, but it turns out they just got their uniforms for the week from the CFL (HEYOOOOOO). My chicken arrived though and I ate 8 pieces out of panic and because I'm a MAN and quickly fell asleep for a couple hours.

Luckily (again!) when I woke up, The Bears were back in the game in the 4th quarter but still struggling against a fake football team, but Cutler had stats that looked like stats a real QB would have but unfortunately the rest of the team didn't give a shit about football today and just kind of farted out a win. I guess it wasn't the most decisive win, and the shitfucks on the tv (Jim Patrick and Frank Dungee) were talking shit like assholes, but it's a W in the W column, and my 15-1 prediction is still holding true. So I guess it all worked out in the end for me and it's all love guys, it's all love.

Next week, the Bears face the Lions who are on a fierce one game win streak, but the Bears don't have a Power Bottom for a QB like Jason Campbell so expect another Bears-like victory (Struggling to hold on to a 2 point lead going into the last minute of the 4th quarter) from Jay Cutler and the rest of those guys!

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