Wednesday, September 3, 2008

A Lion for the Ages

I am working on the preview, but in the meantime I had to break in with some astounding news.

So, okay, Tatum Bell, the RB recently cut by the Lions for being too shitty for even for a Lion, reportedly stole the luggage from the guy the Lions signed to replace him, Rudi Johnson. Apparently, the story goes that Rudi set down his luggage in the hall outside of Matt Millen's office, and when he went inside, Bell decided fuck it, why not? However, one of those evil, evil security cameras happened to catch the thievery and Bell was quickly identified.

Now, the best part of this story is yet to come. Bell claims that it was all a misunderstanding, and that he thought he was just picking up the luggage for another recently cut player who had asked him to help out. Fair enough. Only, when Johnson got his luggage back he claimed that some cash was missing, and...and...wait for it...wait...UNDERWEAR.

Now, for those of us familiar with the Tatum Bell story, this is where things get interesting. Last year Bell came over from Denver along with George Foster for Dre Bly and proceeded to suck as only a Lions running back can suck. The one thing that he is most remembered for is the time his pants ripped during a game, threatening to show his chocolate ass cheeks to the world. Perhaps the poor lad developed a complex about this and is now thieving underwear at every opportunity. Who knows? The man may just have a problem. Who am I to judge?

There really isn't a more fitting team for this to happen to though, is there? I mean, of course the Lions cut a guy and he ends up robbing his replacement of his man panties. I mean, for fuck's sake, this is the team that has had its premier wide receiver leave after the GM insinuated that he liked the dick, and who drafted a quarterback, and future franchise savior, who ended up being so comically inept and so woefully emo that pictures like the one above became commonplace during his stay in Detroit.

The Lions are like the poor bastard son of Detroit sports, the pathetic little whelp that no one wanted and who was left on our doorstep, and now he goes through life shitting his pants, crying all the time and stealing underwear. His older brothers refuse to acknowledge him, and while they are off winning titles and competing for glory, he is left in the incompetent hands of a senile grandfather and a drunk uncle who just fuck the poor little shit up even worse.

Tatum Bell, you may not be a star, and you may not even be good enough to be considered a medicore football player, but brother you are a Detroit Lion through and through. May you run wild and free in another man's drawers for all eternity.


Harpo said...

Somewhere I have a Fantasy Football preview mag from like 3 years ago with Tatum Bell on the cover. Allegedly he was going to be the #1 RB in the entire world that year. Now dude is stealing peoples underwear and shit. Sad.

Neil said...

He will go on the Mt. Rushmore of Lions players. That I can promise you.