Thursday, September 20, 2012

NFL 2012 Week 3: AFC North & East (1st Quarter)

We are two weeks into this NFL season, halfway through our first quarter, and the most obvious thing thus far is replacement referees are severely altering the game. There is a lack of confidence evident with them that is making games disruptive at times, and rarely as smoothly flowing as the ever-corporate-minded NFL would like to see, I am sure. And though the term “player safety” has become the NFL’s race card, so to speak, and is thrown out by anyone looking to force their point, there is less worry over player safety with these refs than there is miscreants along the edges of the NFL’s rosters who abuse these unconfident refs to create anarchy on the field. But as I am an anarchist, I support this. Ideally, we need less refs on the field, with more above, and when there were personal fouls, the player had to leave the field for one play, like in hockey. Fuck referees, and fuck the law.
But this is not a world of the lawless, not yet at least, and this is certainly not a league of the unlawful, especially under the iron reign of Herr Goodell. And though our western civilization is in rapid decline, our arctic ice caps in rapid melt, and our human culture in rapid regression, the NFL is successful in this civilization-model, and will hold its course until the bloody end. This means cleaner uniforms and more affordable referees. Player safety has less to do with it than player investment. Being forced by legalities to financially support post-career medical expenses would be a bad hit on the per-player investment by the league, so they will do what they have to do to clear themselves of as much future health care coverage and personal injury liability as they can. And they will continue to expand their schedule until every game is at its own time on a different channel, so that you could conceivably watch every minute of every game, because I am sure there are people who would try to do that, and live blog about it, and think anybody cared. What a ridiculous fucking world we live in. And what an unsettled season thus far, as the real stories have yet to establish themselves, outside of the apparent greatness of the 49ers. But it is far too early to be peaking at an apex, and with free agency and injuries and all the weird bullshit the NFL adds to their team-building algorithms now, no real story may emerge, as the NFL continues its descent to NBA status, where teams can pop up or down with suddenness, and become contenders with the addition of a single star. What a fucking joke.
Of note though is how the AFC has been traditionally been considered the stronger conference over the past decade or so. My first cycle through the divisions, I split it into two geographically connected divisions of the same conference, picking first the ones with the lowest combined records. Last week, that was the AFC. Every year I’ve done this, it would bounce between AFC and NFC in this part of the cycle, but actually, even after shaving off the lower half of the AFC, the other two divisions have a lower combined record than any pairing of geographically connected NFC teams. What this means is, to this point at least, the NFC is kicking the AFC’s ass in inter-conference games. We are in a time of transition it appears, and whereas we talked of Patriots and Steelers and Ravens before, perhaps we shift to Packers and 49ers and Giants now. But even that seems weird. Are there really any good strong teams left? Have we all been castrated into sporting eunuchs, who buy a new shiny dildo to strap onto ourselves and proclaim “I AM THE MOST VIRILE OF MEN!” until it breaks apart, only to hope to have the money to luck out on another phallus afterwards? That’s essentially what the NFL has become. Nonetheless, here is our first quarter of the season stroll through the AFC East and North, the home of the highly-regarded Patriots and Steelers and Ravens, as well as others…
#1: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-1, 11th overall) – Last week: beat Jets, 27-10. This week: at Raiders (0-2). Even though the Steelers were forced to help pretend Peyton Manning in a Broncos uniform is worth white people shelling out $180 for an “authentic” jersey that first week in the Sunday night primetime engineered showdown, when allowed to actually play free-form football, they will still dominate. This is exactly what they did against the Jets. The thing I find troublesome for Steelers fans and Steelers futures – and most of this week’s perspective is going to be coming from the straight psychic perspective, which is oft-times engineered by the NFL powers that be – is that there is consensus talking head dislike of Roethlisberger. They tried to assassinate his character after the bathroom drunk sex thing (rightfully so), but this was also a guy who wrecked a motorcycle without a helmet on, and is just plain old throwback mentality where lack of helmets on motorcycles and drunk sex with weakly resisting women is a normal Tuesday night. He regained the league’s graces briefly, but seems to be in the psychic doghouse again. I can only assume this is part of a move further away from that throwback style, where a QB will hold a ball and get hit and make ugly plays. The NFL wants pretty plays, it wants football-style slam dunks, not ugly displays of brutal football.
And yet, the Steelers remain relevant, and a model for others to emulate. I feel at some point will see, perhaps in the Super Bowl but perhaps just in regular season games, Ben Roethlisberger and this Steelers team fighting for the soul of football, in honor of the old Gods, as the shiny, clean new Gods try to take over, through lawyer ball tactics. It is because of that I still like Big Ben. He may be a degenerate piece of shit, but I would rather be surrounded by degenerate pieces of shit than corporate-minded lawyer ballers.
#2: BALTIMORE RAVENS (1-1, 12th overall) – Last week: lost to Eagles, 23-24. This week: hosting Patriots (1-1). I cannot really even think of the Ravens without thinking about how much I despise Ray Lewis. I hate that stupid dance, and I hate his stupid mongoloid jawline. But then I think of how much I love Ed Reed, and his sweet gentle doe eyes, yet hard face. Perhaps Ray Lewis’s change from fur coat wearing stabbing eyewitness to elder voice of the NFL was not simply a matter of self-realization, but actually the positive effects of having a solid bro like Ed Reed around.
The fact I am named Raven and cannot do a google search for anything that might be of interest in relation to my birth name without some crappy Ravens merchandise showing up only adds to my hatred of this team. And yet there is Ed Reed, playing ballhawk like no one else. He is a magical player, a spirit warrior of the first order. Perhaps he could teach me to love these awkward Ravens, and overcome my hatred of them, their uniforms, their retard fratboy QB, and to be honest, my dislike of the entire state of Maryland (except for the American Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore). Perhaps Ed Reed could teach me to tolerate. Perhaps…
#3: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (1-1, 15th overall) – Last week: lost to Cardinals, 18-20. This week: at Ravens (1-1). It was simply a missed field goal causing them to lose a game, on the surface, but on a psychic level, that was devastating. You are talking the ultimate franchise of the past 15 years, with our generation’s Joe Montana, losing to an NFC West team. The NFC West is psychically regarded as the league’s bottom rung. And there is also the cross-country road game travel factor long-known to be hard to overcome. And yet the Cardinals won. What does it mean? Well, two things. It means the Patriots are being set up to be challenged for supremacy. Secondly, it was a way to make the NFC West gain psychic power. Who is currently the top team in that division? The 49ers, who have also been psychically rubbed golden simultaneous to this Patriots loss. And it could be said that was the ultimate franchise before the Patriots, unless you recognize the ‘90s Cowboys to be one in between those two dynasties. But what this loss meant was we are seeing the slow build to a 49ers beheading of the New England Patriots. Mark my words. It will be interested to see where the league points this Ravens/Patriots game this weekend too, as the loser will be at 1-2, and pushed into the public doghouse.
#4: CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-1, 17th overall) – Last week: beat Brown, 34-27. This week: at Redskins (1-1). The Bengals have relegated themselves to an afterthought again. This week’s game at the Redskins will be a showcase for the NFL’s most poorly-owned franchises. No one will care except for two delusional fan bases who would love nothing more than to pretend they are not what they always obviously are. And I say that to you as a Redskins fan.
#5: MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-1, 19th overall) – Last week: beat Raiders, 35-13. This week: hosting Jets (1-1). Hard to believe the Dolphins were once an NFL glory team under Don Shula, as they have struggled in mediocrity for a long time now. Ryan Tannehill seems to me to be the latest false Marino prophet paraded in those lustrous white uniforms, but yet the NFL is a haggard beast at this point, where mediocrity is sometimes rewarded with default success. The thing I don’t understand is Reggie Bush exploding for a bunch of rushing yards. That doesn’t make logic. Perhaps swearing off Armenian vagina perfumed with celebrity and embracing this Christian God he seems to speak so fervently of lately has benefitted him on the gridiron. Miami seems a strange place to find salvation, but I guess it is when we are surrounded by darkness, we most easily can identify the light.
#6: NEW YORK JETS (1-1, 20th overall) – Last week: lost to Steelers, 10-27. This week: at Dolphins (1-1). Seeing the Jets fail is such a fun thing to watch happen. There is a decent likelihood they get beaten in Miami this weekend, and then the “Tebow! Tebow!” cult will start to grow even in Godless New York metropolitan area. Ultimately, I feel like the whole New York Jets thing is all part of a larger conspiracy to have Tebow cast out of New York City so that the United Nations can be burned by zealots around the same time Zionist-funded farms in Alabama are successful at finally breeding a flawless red heifer, to usher in the rebuilding of the Temple of the Mount. But with that in mind, south Florida is nearly as Godless as NYC area, and a common retirement zone for again NYC area old bastards and bitties, so it would not be surprising to see Sanchez light up the field one more time, like he did the first week, and allow Tebow to stay on ice. Doesn’t really make sense to have a huge prominent Christian athlete discussion this close to Election Day and this far away from Christmas shopping economic tithe season either. They’ll milk Sanchez until late October/early November, for sure. Then just in time for the economic frenzy that is shopping for a bunch of useless shit in honor of the mythical Christ baby, BAM! TEBOW TIME!
#7: BUFFALO BILLS (1-1, 24th overall) – Last week: beat Chiefs, 35-17. This week: at Browns (0-2). You know what, I don’t even want to think about the fucking Bills. Fred Jackson was going to be my big RB in a 20-team fantasy league, and now he’s fucking gimped out and probably lost his starting job to C.J. Spiller. I’ve always loved C.J. Spiller, but I can’t even enjoy it I’m so mad at the stupid Bills, who always fuck things up, even in good ways. Quick – somebody share pictures of Ryan Fitzpatrick looking like an educated viking. Or pics of thuggish dudes in O.J. Simpson throwbacks. I always love seeing that.
#8: CLEVELAND BROWNS (0-2, 28th overall) – Last week: lost to Bengals, 27-34. This week: hosting Bills (1-1). I think most folks expected the Browns to be 0-2, but they’ve played shockingly well both weeks, at least up to just not quite at the level of their competition. They have their most mediocre foe yet this week, so perhaps the Holmgren experiment starts to pay tiny, crappy dividends, which is what enables him to grow mustache hairs. He is some sort of magical being descended from walrus centaurs from my understanding.

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