"Got to succeeeeeed, if not, it's Satan's faalllllll, YEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHH"
A while back, a bunch of people made a big deal about some article on NFL.com about how the Lions were some sort of new Team of Evil in the NFL, basically because Ndomakong Suh was knocking fools out and because Stephen Tulloch made a lot of Jesusy people upset by making fun of the most make-fun-of-able dude in the NFL. Really, though, whatever. I know, they're a hated division rival and games against them are relevant for the first time in like a decade, meaning I should wish nothing but the worst for them, their families, and their cars. But really, after the bullshit that went down over the early 21st Century, the Detroit Lions are the story of the year, the worst-to-first tale of a team that scratched its way up from the lowest depths ever seen to become something bordering on an NFL powerhouse. If you could erase the existence of the Green Bay Packers, which would add any sort of suspense to the conclusion division race, you could just go ahead and green-light the Disney family film of the 2011 Lions, starring Emilio Estevez as Jim Schwartz and Powers Boothe as the diabolical Matt Millen. The Lions are undoubtedly the hardest team to root against in the world of sports right now, the Bears enter this week in no other possible role than the villains, and only a cruel, terrible person of the lowest character would hope for any sort of misfortune to come their way.
So let's do it.
Let's win this one for Satan.
LAY DOWN YOUR SOUL TO THE GODS ROCK AND ROLL
Invoke the demons, slaughter the innocent, and collect their blood for our dark rituals, so that J'Marcus Webb can go another week without giving up three sacks. Cut your flesh, worship Satan, and hand the ball to Matt Forte at least twenty times. May the wayward souls that escape the razor-grip of the Uberklaw come to meet their fate in the arms of Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs. Jay Cutler... Um... You keep doin' your thing, man.
Bears 17, Lions 13.