Thursday, November 17, 2011

Fuck You, It's Dallas Week

Hey, sure we suck these Redskins do, but they are still my team, and we are still playing Dallas. So I'd like to get some things clear...

- Fuck you light-skinned checkout chick who is a Cowboys fan, Cowboys fans suck and yellow-boned chicks with those pepper flake moles all over their face would have been drowned and buried at birth in the good ole days

- Fuck you Tony Romo, you suck. I'd rather have Rex Grossman and his errant ways yet lovable insane train wreck Gunslinger Eyes any day of the week over you with your happy little closeted dipshit in your stupid corny solid D hat all the time on the sidelines, looking like a retarded fratboy from a Division III school somewhere in southern Illinois, looking forward to the big game against the Johnnies or the Presidents or the Scarlet Raiders or some wack ass shit like that.

- Fuck you Jerry Jones, you decrepit oil baron stereotype from 1980s movies. Don't you have a Cannonball Run to race with Jerry Reed and the dude who played Lurch from the Addams Family?

- Fuck you Dan Snyder. You really suck bro, so stop being all like, "HEY YALL, I'M JUST A SKINS FAN LIKE YALL, AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS WIN, EXCEPT I'M RICH AS FUCK AND OWN THE TEAM, THAT'S THE ONLY DIFFERENCE, $35 FOR PARKING PLEASE!" I mean, realizing we hadn't won a playoff game with a head coach not named Joe Gibbs since 1972 was kinda depressing and helped me understand that perhaps our problems are deeper psychologically-related problems that you are just the latest symptom of, but still, you're a symptom, not a salve, so fuck you. We need some goddamned salve.

- Fuck you Lions fans, coming to this blog to read Lions gibberish and being all like, "I know right? Matthew Stafford, right? But Megatron dude! Still can't forget Matt Millen though, hate him, hate him," blah blah blah. Go smoke crack with your crack whore younger sisters, and get amped for you heaping helping of Nickelback, you bitches. You get what you deserve sometimes - a Thanksgiving ass-kicking by a real football team with a mid-ass-whooping rendezvous by douchebag Canucks.

- Fuck you real life Redskins fans. I mean I know FedEx Field kinda sucks and lacks the beautiful spirit of RFK, but goddamn man, get hyped up for something. At least cheer when the other team gets injured or start pissing on dudes in visiting team jerseys in the crowd. Bunch of goddamned punks, and nasty drunk on top of that. How do you get completely drunk and not fight people? I've never understood that. One of the great reasons to get obliterated is to either kick ass or have your ass kicked, but one way or the other, somebody's ass must be kicked. And that makes it better somehow.

- Fuck you interweb Redskins fans. I write perfectly fine psycho-babble, try to hype you to it, but you're lost in the decrepit minutiae of Shanahan sans Elway or whether LaRon Landry will turn the corner or I don't even know... there seems to be some sort of Deadspin Lite sense of humor to Redskins fans online, where I guess if I just did corny picture captions, you'd be stoked. But real talk on real things of the metascientifical variety ain't good enough for your precious asses. Maybe we get what we deserve too and Dan Snyder is what we should have. Maybe us getting Joe Gibbs was an accident, or else Ronald Reagan was more powerful than we realized. Actually probably Bush, because Gibbs was there during Reagan/Bush Sr., and then came back during Bush the Second, but was gone before Bush was gone. So maybe what we need to do as Skins fans is get Jeb Bush elected President. God, really? That sucks, but it makes perfect sense.

- Fuck you digital television, because I'm about to lose my job and all my computers and probably my robotphone too since it's all tied to work, and all I'll have is my stupid antennae, which every Sunday has confused signals because THE WIND IS BARELY FUCKING BLOWING! so every other five seconds the screen turns into gargoyle digibots being frozen then goes black then comes back with a POP! and I've missed the play and bad things have happened and then it starts again.

- Fuck you NFL. You know this shit is fixed. Fucking fix it so the Redskins aren't so terrible. Is Dan Snyder that bad? Did he Sandusky children? Why are we being punished with this terrible role you are forcing us to play. Throw us a bone of a wild card run next year, will ya?

- Fuck you bossman. You are lucky this is a world ruled by bullshit laws because in a law ruled by righteousness and wrongishness, I would have already pounded another one of my knuckles flat, to match the three I've already had that happen to at one point or another.

- Fuck you Christmas trees outside the goddamned grocery store. It's the middle of November, what the fuck would you buy a fresh Christmas tree for? Do you buy a fresh turkey for Thanksgiving the week before Halloween? What the fuck is wrong with people?

- Fuck you Dez Bryant, I just don't like you. You seem like Deion Sanders, but worse somehow.

- Fuck you Miles Austin, you remind me of a light-skinned dude who fucked this chick with a fat ass I used to love in high school. I hate you. I don't even like Niles Paul the rookie dude on the Redskins because his name is too close to your's.

- Fuck you Shanahan & Son, you guys really grind my gears.

- Fuck you moon, good night.


Raven Mack said...

Also my prediction for the game is Tony Romo will be injured (hopefully broken ribs but I'll take a concussion) and the scoreboard will be meaningless to me (meaning we'll lose). I can happily live with this too.

Neil said...

This is the week when Raven and I finally snap and both just start yelling at everyone and everything.

Raven Mack said...

Fuck everyone and fuck everything. And I'm not just saying that.

p.b. said...

the perfect storm of a rivalry and being fed up = brilliant

UpHere said...

Absolutely. Raven v Neil is a great clash of rhetorical style. Country gangsta meets the relentlessly loopy.

Raven Mack said...

that's weird because usually I describe myself to others as "half relentlessly gangsta but half country loopy"

Andrew TSKS said...

Hey Raven, my brother lives on top of a mountain in Loudoun County, northwest of Sterling somewhere, and all he's got is an old analog TV. Just for shits and giggles he fired it up with the oldstyle rabbit ears on it and discovered that he can still get staticky signals from a bunch of the DC area stations in analog. They're supposed to be all-digital at this point, obviously, but I get the idea that the digital signal has been a huge problem for a lot of viewers, so maybe this is why some stations have gone back to beaming out an old-school analog signal on the sly. But either way, that shit is out there, and it may not make it to Fluvanna so I may be getting you hyped for nothing, but I figure if this is going on with DC and Front Royal area stations, it might be happening with C-ville and RVA stations too, so maybe give it a shot? Why not, right?

Raven Mack said...

I used to get Richmond and Cville stations, but a link in my power box thingy I got from radio shack got weather-beaten. I started at the house and moved upwards and now I am down to the last part so I will go on my roof tomorrow morning (or maybe tonight) and fix that shit, so i can start getting the country music video station out of Richmond and also watch the Three Stooges at 2 in the morning again.