I do not feel much like writing because I've been freaking out on datura seeds the past week or so. You might not have noticed but I completely skipped last week's team updates, which would've been a leisurely stroll through the NFC North and East. Now we are already into the second quarter of the NFL season, and the lowest cumulative W/L records, geographically, fall yet again upon the West divisions. Therefore this week, we go West young man, where you can get a job watching for wildfires on a tower all summer long, where you mostly read Chinese poetry and smoke opium and try to find girls with etsy sites to abort babies with. I mean, you don't have to really, because there is nothing more noble than having yourself like five children by three hip mama subscribers (I wonder if anybody who reads this site even knows what Hip Mama even was? How about Hippie Goddesses?), all of whom get along well and once a month you have a Sunday "soul food" dinner together, all your kids and former ol' ladies, and you are not involved with any of them, but occasionally still become physically intertwined with all of them because you can't help it - you are a man, and your internal philosophy rolls off your tongue like verbal cunninlingus for their soul, and the true goal should be to have all of you living together, not in these godforsaken college towns with their public libraries and Trader Joes. No, you need to get out in the middle of nowhere, where the all of you can get down to getting down and being what you are truly meant to be - a beautiful cleansing pox upon this bullshit fucking country we live in. Fuck Occupy Wall Street - Occupy Dirt Roads, in ragged houses with chicken flocks and herb spirals and communally benefitting etsy sites where all your ol' ladies can work together - through screenprinting and wool knitting - to create a harmony of living.
Wait, we are talking about football, right? Okay, let's talk about it, and how these teams and their western styles where you escape your past because there is no past, and let's see how they occupy the psyche of the NFL at large...
(Again, my apologies, but the datura seeds can go badly if you are not careful, and I am not sure if I'm in that zone or not...)
#1: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-2, 5th overall) - Harpo's beautiful piece on Al Davis made me sad, which was only compounded when I saw Marc Davis on the NFL pregame shows, and thought to myself that he did not look like a solid chip off the old block. Al Davis was an outlaw visionary, a Vollis Simpson for the football world (I am going to work in as many obscure bullshit things as possible, in the hopes you will google search them... or perhaps I will put google search links into this thing!). Hue Jackson breaking down on the field after the win, and just the Raiders in general have me fearing this could be a special run by them. I also fear how the NFL is engineered and they've always oppressed Al Davis in recent decades, including using the franchise and a bullshit tuck rule to create the Legend of Tom Brady. There's no way they'll let the Raiders be a successful franchise. Which means hopefully the Raiders locker room is like part Major League/part The Longest Yard (original, with Burt Reynolds), and Coach Hue has his boys fired up to break the plans of the NFL and win an outlaw AFC West title that's pre-ordained for the corporately acceptable San Diego Chargers.
#2: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4-1, 6th overall) - I do not care so much for these San Diego Chargers, and never will, for they have Phillippe Rivers, who is my least favorite starting QB in the NFL now that Peyton Manning is crippled and receiving experimental European aborted fetus treatments to his neck. They also have Norvel Austin Turner as their head coach, who is my least favorite dude ever to have coached anything ever. I hate him so much I could fill a composition book with hate poetry in iambic pentagrammatical format about it all. They have started better than normal, but they will still crumble like usual. It is just how things must be - a fickle team for a fickle locality.
#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (4-1, 10th overall) - Jim Harbaugh is all on his, "Yall hate us and don't properly respect us" trip for this 49ers team, much like how Mike Singletary did it when he first came in. Let's be real here - the new NFL is home to much mediocrity and shady successes. San Francisco has not blazed a 4-1 path by destroying the upper echelon of the NFL, so they are not exactly a great team by any means. Are they good? Of course. Good teams should beat down mediocre competition, regularly and easily. Are they great? Probably not. But that doesn't mean they can't win the NFC West, since somebody has to win it. The 49ers being good means that perhaps we won't have a 7-9 division winner this year, which would be nice. But still, going from good to great takes a bit more than a funky new coach with spunky philosophies. It takes winning games in late January. That is foreign territory to this 21st century San Francisco team. It's what makes a team legit good, and not just like another Atlanta Falcons or whatever.
#4: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-3, 20th overall) - Oh man, the Seahawks don't even have real players and yet they are beating people. Why is this? Who knows? It's probably some sort of NFL Illuminati debt owed to Steve Jobs or Paul Allen, or some sort of shady bullshit. But it is happening. And as much as I hate the Seahawks, those lime green jerseys are the pimpest shit ever. If you're thinking of Christmas presents for me, one of those would be ideal. It's a shame Lofa Tatupu is not playing for them still, because that's the one I'd like. Who's good on that team now? That guy that stole the doughnuts maybe?
#5: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2-3, 25th overall) - The Chiefs are blowing their Suck for Luck role by beating the other equally shitty teams they've been playing in recent weeks. You'd think Scott Pioli would know better. The Chiefs have had most of their best players all get injured and yet are still playing tough, which is a good sign for real football fans because we do not need the NFL slipping into NBA-style sucking for top draft pick territory, making mediocrity compounded by lack of effort into something shitty and un-football-like. For years, teams have been like, "It sucks to get the top pick because of all the guaranteed money you have to pay them, and then they might not be any good." And then they do a new deal this summer and now teams are like, "AWWW YEAH, WE GONNA SUCK FOR LUCK!" Fuck owners of things, they just ruin the things they own with their capitalistic desire to possess shit. The true energy of a football franchise or an acre of land or even the laborious efforts of a man can never be truly "owned" through monetary exchanges. Although there are studies being conducted now that your free will may actually be pre-determined by the neurological make-up of your brain, which means we don't have free will like we thought. Which means eventually your mind, which is supposed to be the one place that can't be infiltrated, if it's purely a physiological thing, will become public domain for the protection of the greater public. This means maybe you don't have free will and your mind is not a protected area of freedom. Why do I tell you all of this? Because I am a scientist, and see these things from inside the belly of the beast. I have walked dark hallways in underground facilities surrounding the Distric of Columbia where cages full of monkeys who are having things done to them are turned to face the wall because they creep me and the guy I'm working with up there out too much. And then we talk about Widespread Panic. "Send your mind" indeed.
#6: DENVER BRONCOS (1-4, 27th overall) - It is Tebow time, which is hilariously perfectly Colorado. Remember when people were like, "Arizona sucks because they hate Mexicans and are racist and didn't want to admit Martin Luther King Jr. built pyramids on the moon and shit, so fuck Arizona"? Well, Colorado is worse, but has a better PR department, plus money from ski resorts. But in case you don't know it, fuck Colorado. Tim Tebow is perfect for that place.
#7: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-4, 29th overall) - I just saw a TV commercial for some sort of car that was like a Glee version of "Crazy Train" so I'm a little shook up right now and can't think straight. St. Louis Rams? Shiny and artificial turf like Ozzy songs in car commercials. Freaks me out, and I'm sure the evil spirit of Aleister Crowley is a little crooked over this as well. Doesn't corporate America know that I first smoked weed while listening to a copy of Blizzard of Ozz I stole/borrowed from my uncles? And fucking weed is all chemistry-laced and freaky nowadays too - just as corporate as anything else. That's why I was picking jimson weed by the railroad tracks. You have to keep it earth-bound in this fucking world where everybody thinks their wi-fi all day every day. Fuck you cyberbotted assholes.
#8: ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-4, 31st overall) - Kevin Kolb is like Kurt Warner, but without Christ. Somehow that makes me think better of Kurt Warner, which should really go to show you how fucking pathetic Kevin Kolb is. Nothing should ever make a man of my personal character ever think anything good about a fake ass, superficial, conservator of false Christ prophets like Kurt Warner. Fuck.