(I google image searched for "tramp stamps" and "redskins" and this was the best I could find, which of course came from Mr. Irrelevant, because all the best stupid pictures about the Redskins come from there)
(this also came up, which has always been an internet favorite of mine; I really love this woman, and am sure we could have meaningful things happen between us)
This Redskins loss to the Eagles has put me back into a dark and terrible place, mostly because I am the abused little child, whose abuser was insistent that everything was different this time, that he'd learned, that things were shaping up to be better, to not worry and sleep easy, good times ahead. And then the lights went out and I woke up with a broken arm and coathanger marks up and down my back, yet again. It sucks. This Redskins team did not look good at all, not one that could justify its position by default at the top of the NFC East. (Which, look, I don't give a fuck if they DO win the NFC East; if you do so while looking like an impotent pile of shit and know there's no real legitimate shot at being a successful playoff team, then what's the point?)
But honestly, at least the defense looks like a professional defense. I mean, it still suffers from the standard Dan Snyder era Redskins delusions of grandeur, where it thinks it's about to be an elite NFL defense. You've got to earn that, and you don't do so with promise and potential. But they are good, and sometimes great.
The offense on the other hand, has continually been not so great, for years and years. Offensive genius Steve Spurrier did nothing special; Joe Gibbs came in and got them halfway competent but again nothing too special; Jim Zorn basically coasted off of what Gibbs did until it all came undone due to his lack of experience for the position he was sort of tossed into; and now Mike Shanahan has shown up and accomplished very little on the offensive side of the ball, which was supposed to be the highlighted parts of his curriculum vitae.
Obvious, as any Redskin fan knows, this team has not drafted well for some time. So much so that this past spring, when the team drafted like an actual NFL franchise, getting the things they needed at more than one spot, we all got giddy with our own delusions of grandeur - that a new era had been ushered in finally, and we were once again going to be relevant for something more than free agent signings. Hooray! They didn't fuck up for once! That's what we've been reduced to.
Well, for shits and giggles, and to show just what a dark and terrible place I'm in now, I've decided to go back through the Redskins drafts of the past 12 years, since Y2K destroyed the world, and concentrate only on offensive picks, and let's organize them by area of expertise, list them in order of how high they went in the draft overall, and then, just for fun, let's make an All-Redskins Draft Picks Offense from the past 12 years, as if we had kept all our picks and built this wonderfully awesome team from scratch. I can warn you now - since I've already done the legwork on this thing - it's not going to be pretty. But let's take that trip together, so we can relive the wonderful memories...
QUARTERBACK DRAFT PICKS SINCE 2000
2005 1st rd picks (25th overall) - Jason Campbell - Famously was a bruised, battered and unwanted starting QB here for years, then went to Oakland where he has been their mediocrely competent QB ever since, until he broke his collarbone last weekend, ending his 2011 season.
2002 1st rd pick (32nd overall) - Patrick Ramsey - No offensive line let the little Christian soldier who was already married before he got to the pros get bruised, battered and shell-shocked into not being a good starting QB, but competent enough off talent alone to hold a clipboard for a while. May still be holding a clipboard somewhere for all I know.
2001 4th rd pick (109th overall) - Sage Rosenfels - Greatest name ever, but just a back-up, although I heard his name on the sports radio the other day because I guess he is the Best Available Option on the free agent market for the Miami Dolphins.
2008 6th rd pick (186th overall) - Colt Brennan - We all loved him like a knucklehead brother, but he did not pan out, gave up his number to make way for Donovan McNabb, and then went back to Hawaii where he wrecked a car. He really was an awesome dude though, and I hope he has recovered from his injuries and there is a semi-pro football team on the Big Island that has Colt as their starter, and the whole team gets high together and drunk together and has sex with Dutch tourists women together.
2000 6th rd pick (202nd overall) - Todd Husak - Name is vaguely familiar, like he might've been a back-up for the 49ers or went on to UFL success or something. Nothing notable that I can think of though.
2007 6th rd pick (205th overall) - Jordan Palmer - Carson Palmer's little bro, who was on the Bengals preseason roster this year - I remember seeing him in a game, and thought to myself about all the uncomfortable conversations that poor Jordan must've had to have being his star QB bro was basically like, "Fuck yall, I'd rather retire than play for this piece of shit team another game."
2003 7th rd (232nd overall) - Gibran Hamdan - Never made it in the NFL, but wrote a book of poetry called The Prophet which a lot of people in prison with spiderweb tattoos tend to gravitate towards as what unlocks their higher plane.
ALL-REDSKINS TEAM QBS FROM THIS ERA: Obviously Jason Campbell would be the starter, by default, and I guess you'd take either Patrick Ramsey or Sage Rosenfels as your back-up QB. Which means the other one would be your third, unless you want to keep Colt Brennan on as your third because he's awesome, which is what I'd do. Fuck Patrick Ramsey.
WIDE RECEIVER DRAFT PICKS SINCE 2000
2001 1st rd pick (15th overall) - Rod Gardner - Although I won like 19 Lombardi trophies in Madden with Rod Gardner, he never really matched his skill numbers in real life. Eventually he was dumped off to the Panthers, who played the role of "second chance" team, hoping that maybe a first round draft bust would be invigorated (meaning "woken up") by a new situation, but that didn't happen either.
2008 2nd rd pick (34th overall) - Devin Thomas - Part of Vinny Cerrato's brilliant re-tooling of the offense in 2008, who also eventually was dumped off to the Giants for a second chance. Actually, the Giants signed him since he was waived the week before a Giants/Redskins game, but Thomas used that chance to remain a special teams player for the Giants to this day. Doesn't see the field as a receiver really, so props to him for dedicating himself to special teams and continuing to collect an NFL paycheck.
2003 2nd rd pick (44th overall) - Taylor Jacobs - Part of Steve Spurrier's recreation of the Florida Gators offense in DC, where Jacobs did well for the four games that people didn't really know what to expect from Spurrier's team. Then everybody had enough tape available to them to render Taylor Jacobs irrelevant.
2008 2nd rd pick (51st overall) - Malcolm Kelly - Perpetually riding an exercise bicycle on the sidelines of my mind. I'm sure wherever he is right now in life, he is just wishing things could have gone different and he'd have a chance to show what he's really worth. I imagine that's going to be his life story. They should just carve an exercise bike on his gravestone.
2011 3rd rd pick (79th overall) - Leonard Hankerson - "Steal" of this past spring's draft, who I was hyped up about by the media, and got excited he was going to be the next great big thing, and I'm not sure I've even seen him during an actual game this year. Isn't he from The U like Santana Moss? You'd think Moss would be hyping his boy up if that was the case, but instead Santana is relegated to wishing Rex Grossman would get another chance. Rex Grossman. Santana's level of homeboy has really deteriorated in recent years.
2002 3rd rd pick (87th overall) - Cliff Russell - Another huge flame out, who also helped me win a ton of Madden titles. I will always love him for that, but I have no fucking clue what he ever did in real life. I vaguely remember him being on the team and being really fast and never getting TDs, probably because Patrick Ramsey was already crushed into the turf before Russell got 20 yards down the sideline.
2001 5th rd pick (154th overall) - Darnerian McCants - He was a guy who existed, and I remember him because of his name, and he was a special teamster there for a minute, but beyond that, not much to speak of on his behalf.
2011 5th rd pick (155th overall) - Niles Paul - Another of our alleged "steals" in this draft, and he has shown promise at times, and certainly knocked the shit out of that punt returner dude on the Rams, which was cool. But, you know, I'd like to start seeing some of these dudes score TDs in football games. I mean, we're pretty far down the fucking list of WRs whose biggest claim to fame is special teams at this point.
2011 6th rd pick (178th overall) - Aldrick Robinson - Our current WR corps is so crowded with mediocrity that Aldrick Robinson hasn't even earned a chance for special teams shine yet. He fumbled a lot in the preseason on special teams, so perhaps that's why.
2010 7th rd pick (219th overall) - Terrence Austin - Has actually shown some good promise as well, and perhaps could still develop into a serviceable NFL wideout. Won't be a star player I don't think, but could be one of those dudes that plays for like six years, and doesn't stand out amazingly, but also doesn't give you reason to curse his children for four generations.
2009 7th rd pick (243rd overall) - Marko Mitchell - Most famous for a youtube video of some wacky high jump bullshit he could do, and also for being better in last year's preseason than all the overhyped 2nd round picks from the previous year's draft. Still didn't make him a good pro player.
2000 7th rd pick (250th overall) - Ethan Howell - I have no idea who this guy was, nor a single memory about him.
ALL-REDSKINS TEAM WRS FROM THIS ERA: I am just going to say I have to take five of these guys to compile my WR corps, which is hard. I guess Rod Gardner would be my top guy, which is pretty fucking sad. Cliff Russell would be second, but maybe I'm Madden remembering and not for real remembering here, and I guess by default I'd take Devin Thomas as third receiver/special teams player. I am going to pretend that current Redskins still have unlimited potential and will somehow become diamonds of the gridiron and give the 4th and 5th spots to Terrence Austin and Leonard Hankerson, though I'm tempted to keep Marko Mitchell as my fifth receiver as well. Still though, that's a pretty lackluster receiving corps for sure.
TIGHT END DRAFT PICKS SINCE 2000
2008 2nd rd pick (48th overall) - Fred Davis - Coming into his own this year, and has stopped fumbling, but still seems to lack a mental clarity at times. Whatever though, he's been one of the few bright spots on an anemic offense, so fuck it, I'll take whatever I can.
2004 3rd rd pick (81st overall) - Chris Cooley - Captain Chaos, and pure fan favorite. Injuries have slowed the good man down this year, and last year as well, but that's to be expected when you play the game as hard as he does. I don't think Cooley's going to get any faster, or younger, or suddenly be as great as he once was again, but I am eternally thankful he has been a Redskin. If every 3rd round pick we made since 2000 was a Chris Cooley, we'd been shitting in high cotton right now.
2002 5th rd pick (160th overall) - Robert Royal - Was a serviceable second TE for a few seasons, and then disappeared.
2010 6th rd pick (174th overall) - Dennis Morris - I have no idea who this guy is.
2007 7th rd pick (216th overall) - Tyler Ecker - Nor this guy.
2009 7th rd pick (221nd overall) - Eddie Williams - And this guy.
2002 7th rd pick (230th overall) - Jeff Grau - Good lord, we had all these TEs come into camp? For what? Was it like a tradition they kept to have somebody to carry the veteran O-linemen's bags since we never drafted O-linemen proper?
ALL-REDSKINS TEAM TES FROM THIS ERA: Let's just take three, and you know Cooley is number one in our heart so he's there, with Fred Davis as well. Pretty much what we have, the only position where they've drafted a pair of competent people in the past ten years, which is why delusional Redskins fans are like, "Trade Cooley!" not realizing that there's no other owner stupid enough to give up high draft picks for a washed up superstar like Dan Snyder. (No offense to Chris Cooley if you read this; I don't think you're necessarily "washed up" - just trying to make a point. Please don't blog about me, and hurt my feelings.) Let's give Robert Royal the third TE spot, since I don't even know if the other guys really exist or not.
OFFENSIVE LINEMEN DRAFT PICKS SINCE 2000
2000 1st rd pick (3rd overall) - Chris Samuels (T) - This will perhaps be considered a contrarian statement, and I will be accused of rampant haterism, but I don't think Chris Samuels was necessarily as great as he was made out to be. He was a nice dude, and he was steady, but he wasn't a 3rd overall pick dominant force like I had hoped. The dude was also a penalty machine, getting more false starts than anybody ever in all my memories combined. Of course, that's probably because, along with Jon Jansen, was one of the few long-time members of the O-line. Still though, how many Pro Bowlers have we had in the past 12 years that were homegrown? Not fucking many.
2010 1st rd pick (4th overall) - Trent Williams (T) - Ditto for Mr. Williams. I'd like to see this dude be more than promise and potential. Very athletic, but also tends to lose control of himself at times. Not the dominator I would have hoped he was gonna be.
2003 3rd rd pick (81st overall) - Derrick Dockery (G) - Had some good years. Unfortunately for us, some of his best years were in Buffalo. Actually, the story of Derrick Dockery is funny, because he was drafted here, and then Dan Snyder didn't want to pay him, since Snyder only likes to pay big money to people who are NOT already here. So Dockery goes off to Buffalo for a couple of seasons, then becomes a big free agent signing to return. Maybe we should just start sending all our draft picks to other teams with the promise that as soon as they develop them into good players, Dan Snyder has the right to throw too much money at them to return. Then we might actually have some good players that were drafted in-house.
2008 3rd rd pick (96th overall) - Chad Rinehart (G) - Had such a perfect offensive lineman name, but never really showed much on the field. Still though, I get him mixed up with Kory Lichtensteiger because I would think two dudes with those names would be good together on an offensive line, on hunting trips, riding longboats to Greenland, whatever.
2004 5th rd pick (151st overall) - Mark Wilson (T) - Do not remember this guy at all.
2004 5th rd pick (180th overall) - Jim Molinaro (T) - Vaguely remember this guy, as perhaps there was some sort of Washington Post article touting him as a hidden gem out of Notre Dame. That of course would probably just be Vinny Cerrato using PR strings to get a positive article published about a late round draft pick from Notre Dame, to make people think he was gonna be great. The thing Cerrato never seemed to understand is you have to do more than conman convince people somebody you drafted or signed is good - they actually have to perform on the field as well.
2002 6th rd pick (192nd overall) - Reggie Coleman (T) - I'm running out of jokes to make about the late round wasted picks. Forgive me.
2011 7th rd pick (217th overall) - Maurice Hurt (G) - The "hidden gem" preseason press release shine hasn't worn off this name yet, so I know who he is. Still, with a half-crippled offensive line, I think he just got moved from the practice squad to the regular roster, and perhaps we'll see if this dude is legit or not.
2010 7th rd pick (229nd overall) - Erik Cook (G) - Came in to play at C this past weekend once Lichtensteiger got hurt, and didn't do terrible I guess. I mean, nothing was good, and neither Grossman nor John Beck had much time, but nobody got crippled, and we somehow only lost by 7 points, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt. That benefit of the doubt means I think he could continue our tradition of being very mediocre, not that he's going to be playing in Pro Bowls four years down the road though.
2006 7th rd pick (230rd overall) - Kili Lefotu (G) - The Redskins drafted the only shitty Samoan ever. Look at that name - a natural born dominator on the inside, and yet he never amounted to anything in an NFL jersey. That's the Redskins.
2010 7th rd pick (231st overall) - Selvish Capers (T) - Pretty sure he's still on somebody's roster in the NFL, because I remember seeing his name on a roster during the preseason. (Yep, he's on the Giants, buried on their depth chart.)
ALL-REDSKINS TEAM OL FROM THIS ERA: Wow. Let's just go ahead and put Chris Samuels at LT and move Trent Williams over to RT, as Williams is the more athletic and could probably handle the switch without false starting 19 out of 40 plays. Derrick Dockery was good for a few seasons, so put him at G, and I guess since Erik Cook - who played C last weekend for most of the game - is the only guy I know on here who has ever played C, he's our center. And I guess I'll put Chad Rinehart as the other guard, simply because his name sounds like he should've been better. RINEHART! Just throw Maurice Hurt as a back-up (more of me pretending this year's "hidden gems" will actually still turn out to be gems) as well as Kili Lefotu (because everybody needs a giant, crazy Samoan in their life, one that's hopefully not yet polluted by the Book of Mormon). Ugh. Not necessarily The Hogs, now is it?
RUNNING BACKS DRAFT PICKS SINCE 2000
2002 2nd rd pick (56th overall) - Ladell Betts - Betts was a 2nd round pick? Man, all those years where he was the perfect second option who had potential but you were thankful you didn't have to actually count on him, and I thought we'd gotten a lot out of him. But he was a second round pick? That sucks. I feel ripped off now.
2011 4th rd pick (105th overall) - Roy Helu - I want to like Helu (see Samoan comments above, but apply to Tonga; but also see Book of Mormon comments above, but apply normal Jesus), I really do. He has at times looked like he might be good, and other times looks unconfident. Dude needs to strap his helmet on tighter though because that thing was flying off with regularity last weekend.
2005 4th rd pick (120th overall) - Manuel White - I remember them drafting him, and I remember him sucking.
2011 6th rd pick (177th overall) - Evan Royster - Practice squad player, and I don't really like Penn State, nor do I think of Big Ten Conference right away when I think of explosive RBs. Oh well. We will see. The RB genius part is supposed to be Shanahan's strongest suit in his Offensive Genius arsenal.
2005 7th rd pick (222nd overall) - Nehemiah Broughton - I remember this guy mostly because this is what I thought I would name my Cadillac if I got an old giant '70s era Cadillac, which I still hope to. It's a shame he didn't become more famous so more than like two of my friends will know what the fuck it means in 20 years when I'm driving some hooptie Caddy with "NEHEMIAH BROUGHTON" airbrushed along the bottom of the doors.
2002 7th rd pick (257th overall) - Rock Cartwright - Oh man, The Rock. He was tiny but persistent, and a pleasure to pull for on special teams for years. Is he still on the Raiders? I do not know, but I know that I have no complaints about Rock Cartwright's existence on a Redskins roster, so I'm thankful he by chance ended up being the last one on this painful list.
ALL-REDSKINS TEAM RBS FROM THIS ERA: I guess we'll go with three, even though really we need a FB, but nobody really fits the mold. Ladell Betts is your #1 back by default, and I'll take Helu and Rock Cartwright as my other two, being their both little bulldogs who could be like half-sized fullbacks (I guess), again by default.
Which seems to be theme of this All-Offensive Draft Picks of the Past 12 Years team - a lot of default, a little bit of promise and potential, and not very much in the way of developing good offensive players. I mean, I know I'm no offensive genius, but gee, maybe that's a big part of the fucking problem, and no amount of fancy super coach is going to overcome the fact the fucking cupboard is bare, and has been bare for a long ass time.
So there. I'm done. I know we are only 3-2, but this is not an offense that generates a lot of optimism that 3-2 can be a foundation for a late season run towards greatness. This is an offense that makes me think, "Great, no chance at Andrew Luck, but they'll feel like they have to draft a QB, so they'll get the second dude in the draft, to prove how smart they are, and he'll suck too, and this will all suck, and everything sucks." And that is basically where I end at after going through all this. Everything sucks. We're not missing a piece or two on offense at this point - we're missing a little bit of a lot of everything.