Tuesday, September 6, 2011


PERTINENT DATA: 11-5, earning an AFC wild card berth, beat Colts in Indy in wild card round, then beat the Patriots in New England in the divisional round in a steel cage grudge match with special referee Bronco Nagurski, finally losing at the Steelers in the AFC Championship game; 12 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Basically, the only reason I took on doing the best case for the Jets was because when we have our weekly Armchair Linebacker editorial meetings, Neil cracks me up with his anti-Rex Ryan banter. Both Neil and I have been partially trained in remote viewing, which is a CIA used time travel telekinesis where you move yourself into other places throughout the world and time. It's as close as man has come to being able to successfully time travel, because you don't have to take your physical body, just your mind and soul through remote viewing. Most high-level spying by the U.S. and Russia in the past 20 years has been done in this manner, which is why terrorists sending Somalians to physically try to blow up things seems so uncivilized to us. It is, because we're already on some next level shit, and know what's going to happen before it happens.
Me and Neil have not gone through much of this training though, because of external factors that didn't allow us to move through the clearance levels - financial status, family pedigree, legal issues, online writings, etc. - but the main trainer dude at Quantico - a guy named Walt - he walked us through a lot of the stuff outside of the rigid framework of the military, so we know enough to meet once a week, where we know we can both travel without getting lost. Lately that's been 1950s Morocco when Williams S. Burroughs was wandering around, having sex with Arab boys. It's actually been really interesting to just watch the people coming and going in this little hash house Neil loves to observe, and connect those older far more liberal times to this alleged Arab Spring the news people have been hyping up.
Anyways, back to the Jets... I don't necessarily like them, but don't hate them either. I do not respect Jets fans though, because that self-loathing second-tier New York sports fan that for whatever reason decides to be a fan of the Jets, Mets, Nets, and either Islanders or Devils just seems weird to me. And on top of that, I cannot stand the mentality of signing 37 veteran players and thinking that'll make you great. But I guess I'm supposed to do the best case scenario, so I will...
Okay, best case scenario for the Jets is Mark Sanchez is not as shitty as it looks like he might actually be, and everything else holds together, and nobody gets arrested for shooting themselves in the thigh or kicked out the NFL for off-field crimes, and Rex Ryan doesn't talk so much shit another team just outright decides to whoop Jets ass, and they are allowed by everyone else in the league to be as successful as they want to tell you they can be, in spite of their actual ability to cohesively achieve team goals, when led by an overweight half-witted Fox sitcom of a coach.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): I hate the New York Jets. You should know this by now. But I haven’t always hated the Jets. If anything, I have always just been sort of ambivalent about both them and their fans. Yeah, their fans were fun to mock and abuse as Mookish stereotypes but at heart they were fans of a perpetual loser and so it was easy just to laugh off their bullshit. Then Rex Ryan showed up, and all of a sudden that false sense of bravado that Jets fans have carried around since the beginning of time stopped being mildly annoying and a little funny and became something they all actually believed in. Rex Ryan is what would happen if you bottled up all of that false bravado, mixed it in a lab with boorish incompetence and sprinkled in a dash of corn fed hick. Okay, that’s not entirely fair. Rex Ryan isn’t incompetent. He’s just nowhere as good as he thinks – and most people in the media – seem to think. I’ve written about this several times already, and, well . . . fuck it . . . here is the Best of Neil Hates Rex Ryan, for your enjoyment:
(From the Best Coaches section of the ALL-ACLB Team, and if you haven’t read those . . . well, goddamn, you missed a rocket ride that was born in hell and touched all corners of the universe of crazy.):
“Oh sure, sure, there are others, like that fat blowhard Rex Ryan but there is something fraudulent about him. He just seems like a dude with a big mouth who talks a steady stream of shit and carries himself like “Hey, look, ya’ll! I’m a pirate! Yee-haw!!!” And then his ass cheeks clench on 4th and 2 from the opponent’s 35 yard line and he punts but nobody notices because he spends the time after the game telling dumb jokes to the media, who roll over on their stupid backs and purr and laugh while he strokes their hideous bellies. He’s a vengeful fucker too, which is cool because that is a dark, primal instinct that we understand at Armchair Linebacker. We know all about dark, primal instincts. But because we are gentlemen and warriors of light, we understand how to control our base instincts and make them work for us instead of becoming dumb slaves to their salacious and idiotic whims. But not Rex Ryan. He is consumed, like some fat degenerate Ahab, with righting all perceived slights, with slaying windmill dragons and in doing so he reveals a shameful inferiority complex, the fat little kid underneath who learned to talk shit so people wouldn’t kick him in the ass all the time. His daddy was Buddy Ryan, and he tries so hard to be his father that it is kind of embarrassing. Honestly, the only time I actually kind of liked the dude was when it came out that he worships his wife’s feet. Hey, man, good for him. At least there is something perversely honest about that shit. But everything else is just a sad clown show, false bravado meant to cover up some hidden insecurity that makes him waver when shit gets a little too hot. But back to him being vengeful. He is. He decided that the Patriots were the bad guys and he made it his life’s mission to overthrow the big bad vampire priest, Bill Belichick. And he did. Good for him. And then he and his team went out the next week and lost to the Steelers. Just like everybody knew they would. Because deep down we all understand who Rex Ryan is. We know. He can’t make it to the end of the line because he’s a damn fool. He lacks the wisdom which every great coach has, the knowledge that the only victory that truly matters is that last one, the one which involves confetti raining down and Sheriff Goodell handing you a giant trophy in some antiseptic plastic stadium. He’s too consumed with petty battles and ultimately pointless wars and vendettas. He and his team embarrassed themselves after they beat the Patriots. They carried on like they just blew up the Death Star, won the Super Bowl and killed Hitler all at the same time. But all they won was a playoff game, one damn playoff game, and then they lost the next week and nobody cared about them anymore. Rex Ryan is just a clown, the front man for a stupid travelling hillbilly circus that will eventually spin out of control and end in laughter and tears, and deep down we all know it.”

(And in this next excerpt, I start out talking about why David Harris should be on the All-ACLB team and degenerate into bashing Rex Ryan and those heathen Jets.):
“David Harris is yet another Michigan Man and before you pelt me with garbage, consider the fact that he is the heart of everything good about the New York Jets. I know, I know, I have bitched long and hard about the Jets and I have already shamefully broken my vow twice over not to include any of those shitheads on my team, but fuck that, I see this as rescuing my boys, not rewarding the vile filth of Rex Ryan and company. Look at it this way: I am taking them away from the Jets, thus weakening the few things that prop up their bullshit kingdom. Rex Ryan is a fat fraud. He is a loudmouth who pretends to be a pirate, but when the time comes to swarm the enemy, his anus seizes up and he punts on 4th and 1 from the enemy’s 33. The only redeeming thing about this asshole is his foot fetish. The one thing everyone gives him shit for is the only thing I admire about him. So, the dude wants to fuck his wife and maybe suck on her toes? Big deal. I commend him for finding his old worn out wife beautiful. That’s true love. He’s not running whores or filming himself pissing on Jets cheerleaders or sexting dong pictures to everyone with long, blond hair and a nice chest (You don’t even wanna know about the pics Brett Favre probably sent to Clay Matthews, Jr.) No, all he’s doing is worshipping his wife and good for him.
But still, that is the only thing I find commendable about him. Everything else is bullshit. He talks and talks and talks but his team is never gonna win shit. That’s because deep down, Rex Ryan is a pussy who won’t let it all ride when he needs to. He’ll punt and then he’ll act like he won the Super Bowl because he beat Bill Belichick, and really that’s the whole problem with Rex Ryan. He creates these stupid melodramatic feuds that in the end are utterly meaningless. His team achieved an emotional high after beating the Patriots, and hey that’s cool. The only problem is that they still had a few games left to play. Oops. Rex Ryan’s job – his whole fucking point – is to make sure his team is ready to win when it matters the most. Did it matter against the Patriots? Absolutely. But it mattered even more the week after that and they couldn’t get it done. Why? Because they had already played their Super Bowl, only it wasn’t theirs, it was Rex Ryan’s. He beat Belichick and everyone supped on his balls that night, but what good did that do the team? Did it mean that they made it any farther than the year before? Nope. And that’s why Rex Ryan will never win shit. Because all he wants to do is prove infantile little points. He isn’t focused on the big goal. He’s just focused on measuring his dick.
And don’t even get me started on Mark Sanchez. That dipshit would be the quarterback for a 4-12 team if he didn’t have David Harris propping him up. Mark Sanchez had the shittiest completion percentage of any starting quarterback in the league. But . . . but . . . he wins big games! Fuck that. He’s there in big games. He’s present, just like the hot dog vendor. Good for him. David Harris wins big games. David Harris is the dude who lets jackoffs like Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez lap up the spotlight. He is the one toiling, propping up their false empire. The Jets know this. That is why they slapped the franchise tag on him. They need to keep him in indentured servitude because without him, they are just a dumb fucking zoo, full of stupid noise and disgusting monkey shit. Take him away and you just have Rex Ryan talking empty shit and Handsome Mark shaming the good name of Joe Namath. David Harris is on this team because he deserves it, because he goes to war every day even though he is surrounded by shitheads and loudmouth idiots. He props them up because he can’t not. He lets them have their glory because it’s not about them. It’s about him throwing every inch of his being into war. It’s about him fighting for a cause that’s bigger than Rex Ryan or Mark Sanchez. It’s about winning and it’s about being the goddamn best. That’s all David Harris cares about. You don’t see him playing the clown and acting the fool for all the New York media to jack off over. You just see him making plays and winning games. He is like the sun. It rises and it sets and you always know it’s there, even when you can’t see it. He will be with you until the end.”

Okay, okay . . . the truth is, is that both of those were written for the All-ACLB team and I am just sloppily shoehorning them into this preview because I don’t want to think about Rex Ryan or the Jets right now. Also, it is a mark of how insane/ridiculous I am that I forgot I had already lambasted Ryan once before for the All-ACLB Team and ended up doing it all over again later. I’m pretty sure there are several other isolated incidents preserved for posterity on this blog which saw me lose my shit and viciously abuse Rex Ryan, including one particularly lurid Tale of the Great Willie Young which saw cameos from both Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez as evil Nazis, but I can’t find them right now and . . . well, shit, anything more would kind of be overkill, right? In any event, I haven’t even gotten to the worst case scenario yet. I just wanted my utter disdain for Rex Ryan and the Jets to be properly understood even though I know it cannot ever be properly understood because asking anyone to understand the inner workings of my beautiful brain would be akin to asking all of you to understand what goes on in a black hole or to understand what happens when all those clowns jam themselves together in that little car. Horrible, horrible . . .
But anyway, yeah, here is the worst case scenario for the Jets: Rex Ryan gets exposed as the fraudulent blowhard that he is when Darrell Revis gets hurt and David Harris refuses to play for such a monster. The Jets are forced to rely upon the not so golden arm of Mark Sanchez, they go 6-10 after he throws 25 interceptions and Joe Namath publicly slaps him with his dick and banishes him from his city forever. This is also the best case scenario – at least to me.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Raven): I have mentioned before I live near the University of Virginia, and in my ten-plus years here, I can tell you the most pro-ready player to come through was D'Brickashaw Ferguson. On top of that, having encountered that dude twice, there is not a more chill and down to earth guy I've met from that elevated athletic pedestal. On top of that, he came across as a for-real well-thought guy - not intelligent like book-smart or just some giant black dude who was taught to talk like white insurance salesmen, but he just oozed this "I've thought all this out in five different ways" master of chessboxing aura. It's a shame his professional rights were obtained by that vile Babylonian cesspool of Jets.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Neil): Hate them all, those self-righteous fake cowboys. Well, except for David Harris. He is merely a hostage to their villainy. It may seem unfair to lump them all in with Rex Ryan and his crony, Handsome Mark, but reality is cold and cruel and this is what they get for putting their faith in their false toe-sucking god.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: Vladimir Ducasse.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): Look, I’ve obviously lost my mind. I could continue to try to explain my almost inexplicable disdain for both Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez, which maybe – just maybe – is rooted in the fact that they are natural comparison points for both Jim Schwartz and Matthew Stafford and it has driven me insane to watch both of them held up as paragons of greatness when both my dudes are laughed at by jackoffs who think that it is simply impossible for anything good to ever exist in Honolulu Blue and Silver, especially when I think that both Jim Schwartz and Matthew Stafford are obviously better, but . . . well, shit, I guess I am going to continue trying to explain my eternal disgust for those buffoons after all. Switch teams/situations for Schwartz and Mayhew and Stafford and Sanchez and I think this becomes even more obvious. If Jim Schwartz and Matthew Stafford started their careers with the New York Jets a few years ago, stepping into the same situation that Ryan and Sanchez stepped into, there would be ticker tape parades for those dudes down Broadway. Meanwhile, if Rexy and Handsome Mark showed up in Detroit following 0-16, Rex Ryan would be laughed at as a fat goof incapable of getting the Lions off the ground and Mark Sanchez would be drawing sneering comparisons to Joey Harrington. You know I’m right, damn it. I guess in a perfect world, everyone would understand this and I wouldn’t be reduced to . . . this, which I’m pretty sure is the Internet equivalent of a drunk wandering around pantsless and screaming gibberish at random people on the street. My whole part of this preview has been an absolute mess and I’ll be the first to admit that I could have focused this better – much better – but Raven and I believe in the power and truth of true Gonzo writing which means that sometimes you’re going to get slow motion car wrecks like this, filled with blood and the howling of the damned and dying. Let the inanity and the broken mess that I’ve written tell its own story. Let it stand as a testament to the vociferous nature of my hatred for what the New York Jets have become. I cannot focus it because my mind is too clouded by dark thoughts and evil words. The Jets and Rex Ryan have made me incoherent, even to myself – and I always at least make sense to myself – and perhaps that is their greatest crime of all.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The driftwood sticks foretold of a 12-4 season, which would win the AFC East (just barely), and that this Jets team would make it all the way to the Super Bowl as AFC Champions, but that they would come up short in that glitzy February Indianapolis showdown.

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