Monday, August 1, 2011

Two Lifelong Redskins Fans Emails During the Wacky Offseason of 2011 Part 3


I don't think you're being overly negative. In the back of my mind, I feel the same way. But sometimes I shift my brain into "Offseason Champion" mode to take the pain away.

Think about this- what other team would you be able to cheer for that makes it so much fun to follow in the offseason- every year? They go out and feed you a huge plate of free agent signings, scheme changes, coaching changes every year- and the possibility that it will get better always has some degree of believability. At best, it gets you pumped- kind of like my friend Chris who insisted on blasting "Saint Elmo's Fire" every night before we would go out to get wasted in college. Not my thing, but imagine that the yearly scab you pick off to give yourself faith by saying, "this year is different" and "now they're rebuilding the right way" and "now they have a real GM who is all shrewd as hell" is our version of Chris blasting that shitty song out of the AudioVox bookshelf stereo that sat on his dresser.

This shit right now is fun- following the signings and training camp. I'm ready for this to be the year. I'm in Offseason Champs mode. Where I tell myself that Cerrato would have traded away every player under 30 and two 2nd rounders for Reggie Bush. If we have to overpay a few mid-level free agents to come here because this isn't on the top of their list, I can get over that.

As for signing the dude from Dallas, I don't think it's going to bother me as much as it is you. And that's because I've never even heard of him. It's not Deion Sanders. It doesn't require a press conference where Danny hands the mic over to some fucker in a red and yellow three-piece suit with tails looking like some reject from a 70's Burger King commercial.

Being a fan of the Skins is hard and that's why you have to carve out things to be happy about that are business-as-usual for any real, functioning modern day NFL team.

There is plenty of time from September through December where we can come to grips with how much they suck and how they're nowhere close to being good. And that will suck like it always does.

But, for now- can we sign some offensive linemen?

- Will


Did you read they had tried to offer Santonio Holmes boatloads of
money and he said no? Also, yes, some offensive linemen. I think what
I read this morning that bothered me the most was Philip Daniels doing
a radio interview and saying Coaches Shanahans dragged their feet on
putting the kibosh on both Alfred Haynesworth and the McNabb
situation, which gives me pause because that means perhaps they had to
second guess questioning the Yearly Saviors in the presence of the
Lord of All Things Redskins, one Daniel Janksworth Snyder. If that is
the case, then I guess I am thankful there is no coddled superstar
being brought in to be this new savior. And thankfully, Reggie Bush is
already off the board, as I was worried about that. I guess Vince
Young is still out there, though he seems too black to be a QB for Dan
Snyder's prejudices; and if there was any team dumb enough to make a
deal ridiculous enough to convince the retarded Bengals to actually
trade Carson Palmer, it would be the Redskins. Not so sure I would
mind Carson Palmer though, although without an offensive line, yeah,
still kinda fucked.
Speaking of which, he didn't do shit last year, but it's still sad to
see Casey Rabach go. That dude was a solid dude. Also, whatever they
can do to see to it that Stephon Heyer does not step onto an actual
NFL field again in a Redskins jersey would make me feel better as
Beyond that, yeah, I'm getting gacked up. I actually meant to google
search the preseason schedule. I love preseason games on the local
station with Sonny and Sam doing the play-by-play and the low budget
production values. I wish they offered that version all year long -
like the Lo-Fi Retro package, although I still wouldn't get satellite
TV. Fuck paying to go limp-brained.
I did however get a card to return to Sirius satellite radio for six
months for $50, which I will do. Every year, I sign up in late August
for football season, and disconnect in February, just to hear all the
NFL radio games, and every year they offer me some sort of deal like
I'm a lost customer that needs to return. Big business is stupid as
fuck. I would not be surprised if Snyder is part owner of that too.
I am feeling better, mostly because I have left work already for the
week and work has sucked. Let us see what transpires this weekend.




I heard that there was a weather system starting in the Caribbean right now that has progressed into a tropical storm.

Since it's early in the season, it's only the 4th on the books.

Therefore, the name of it is "Tropical Storm Don."

I thought to myself- that has got to be the least intimidating shit I've ever heard of in my life. You could be in a Gilligan's Island dingy out in the open ocean and have that thing pass over you and not be scared in the least- based on the name alone.

Weak shit. Much like Stephon Heyer. Consider him the "Tropical Storm Don" of NFL tackles.

Moving on,


PS on my way to work this morning I passed a house in a shitty section of town. There was about a 60-year old black man standing out in the yard yelling to someone or something across the street. He was wearing a #8 Mark Brunell jersey. Burgundy.

I wasn't expecting that.


I actually went to buy some new-to-me polo shirts for my job at the
Goodwill today... I like to buy the most garish ones I can find. If I
have to dress business casual, I'd like to look like a recovered
crackhead - black variety - ten years later going to church. Well
right there in the middle of it all was a chipped up Santana Moss
jersey, which I halfway contemplated buying for my kids, except I have
all daughters and they all think football is stupid because all it
does usually is make me angry. Also, once you switch over to Chinese
bootlegs with embroidered letters and shit, those cheap ass
silk-screened ones (cheap in quality, not cheap in cost) seem stupid.
I've got an all-black Sean Taylor joint now that I'm gonna pimp with
Speaking of which, that O.J. Atogwe dude showed up today and took #20
instead of his lifelong #21 in deference to the honor of Sean Taylor.
Didn't we blow a bunch of money on a Rams safety a couple of years ago
with a last name that started with "a" and had too many damn vowels? I
mean, I know they're completely different dudes, but at some point
when you've been consistently this unlucky in free agency, you'd think
superstition would take over.
Nothing has happened in regards to offensive line yet, which bothers
me. Maybe they're just gonna run a crap-shoot half-assed offense, send
the mullet out to get destroyed, and jump into the draft jockey for
that Stanford dude that everybody says is the real deal who may or may
not be the real deal.
Oh well,



I had to watch my kid this weekend, so was anxious to see the flurry of activity that this team would undoubtedly throw at us over the past 2 days.

I heard that there were rumblings over trying to sign Amhad Bradshaw, a move that would strike me with the same trepidation that Stephen Bowen's signing brought you. I could just imagine them grossly overpaying for Bradshaw, and having him be completely disgruntled after three or four starts behind our porous offensive line. No thank you.

So far so good- I'm actually delighted with how professional and rational things seem after a couple days of not paying attention. The guys in charge are spoon-feeding me the idea that the massive splash, free-agency blitz, pitcher of ice water at the podium for Dan to whet his whistle before he "hands it over to Norv" or "hands it over to Marty" or "hands it over to Joe" or "hands it over to Jim" or "hands it over to Mike" days are gone- or at least on pause. Of course, there's still time for a diva signing like that of Braylon Edwards or Randy Moss, and that would be enough to wipe the slate clean. So I'm hoping they don't do that.

Then, word comes in that Tim Hightower has been acquired from Arizona for Vonnie Holiday, who is like the George Burns of football. Let me go into a bit more detail- the Redskins traded a 35-year old for a 25-year old. That's something that just doesn't happen in the past. Granted, Hightower fumbles more than you'd like, but he's still got time out in front of him to become a stud in the right system - maybe. At least the possibility is there.

I know that all of this potential progress is great right now, but that there are still games to play. We have to play the Eagles twice. Better yet, let's just call off this season and give them the Lombardi now that they've made such progress with all of their free agents, right? I hope Andy Reid beats his lurking massive cardiac arrest to see a season that turned out like the 2000 Skins when they tried the same thing. Sure, I'm bitter. And I hate the fucking Eagles- which is also a quote from the Big Lebowski.

Back to the fact that there are games to play, and regardless of how much younger we get with non-splashy free agents and 12-man draft classes, we still don't have a quarterback.

And that sucks.That's something that doesn't solve itself. In a way, you have to catch a lucky break- something that has eluded our burgundy and gold for a long time.

Remember back when being lucky didn't really matter? When the team was so awesome you knew they were going to win? When Joe would hit the locker room at halftime after a slow first half, make some adjustments, throw around a few "kick their stinking butts" and they'd go out and just dominate?

That was awesome. I'm still hanging on to those memories to this day.

- Will


Yeah, I was actually stoked about the Tim Hightower trade as well. I
bumped into my buddy Carter (who has often been involved in our email
nonsense in the past) and we were mutually geeked simply by the fact
nothing as normally retarded as you'd expect had happened. Haha man,
how pitiful is that? We're like an abused spouse and we're just stoked
that we're not getting beat up the side the head this time around.
"He's really changed, and I really love him and just couldn't imagine
ever leaving him."
Yeah, the Eagles getting Nnamdi Asomugha kinda pissed me off. Fuck the
Eagles. I imagine the Cowboys are maybe a little more disjointed than
we are right now, so the two of us should be having a solid battle to
be the shittiest team in the East. But fuck the Eagles, and Andy Reid
with his fat ass having junkie kids desiring attention from their
goddamned fat fuck dad.
The QB situation is a strange one, because even though they've
completely tried to sell it as such, I find it hard to believe they
are straight with John "the Mormon MacGruber" Beck being the starting
QB. I find it hard to believe they'd drag their feet this long to
bring Rex Grossman back. I honestly wonder if they're going to re-sign
him or are giving him every chance to go elsewhere, being he is Rex
Grossman. First fucking play last year he fumbled the ball into that
beast Suh's hands for a TD against the Lions. FIRST FUCKING PLAY!
But there's no splashes left. I guess Carson Palmer is out there if we
are stupid enough to be stupider than the Bengals, and Vince Young
just doesn't seem a good fit for the Shanahans Experience. I still
just don't think they're sitting tight with just John Beck and
assorted back-ups from other teams' past.
Still, the defense might be a monster this year if everything comes
together. I know they ranked 31st last year, but they never seemed
that terrible. I mean, they were bad, and gave up tons of yards, but
still, it seemed like they were on the brink of fucking shit up
I don't know. I kinda got excited this weekend, and had actually
started ranking all the players on the roster in order of who I am
most excited about, in straight up internet dork fashion, but then I
had a lot of real life so didn't get past like looking at the full
roster. I had to slaughter some meat birds yesterday, which I share in
this public place to show that I am a real dude who does real things.
Will, I'm not ever gonna afford going to a goddamned party deck at a
goddamned FedEx Field. I'm not ever gonna buy a goddamned brand new
jersey (unless it's from China). I am not the target demographic of
this team. Shit man, I'm not the anything of anything any more. I'm a
goddamned broken man who roots for an even more broken team. And yet
as the calendar turns to August, I am - against all logic - filled
with delusional positivities, yet again.
So here we are again man. How many do you think they'll win being they
will be forced to play these games this year?


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