at least there's one thing we don't have to be concerned about, Ben's not having sex anymore! HIYYYYYO!
So all the lockout bullshit has been settled. The NFL was to the surprise of no one not stupid enough to blow ten billion dollars and not have a season. That means it's time to take a look at the team and see what we're going to have to work with.
QB: Ben's back, and to the best of everyone's knowledge not raping anyone, so things should be fine here. He keeps talking about his foot not being 100% but he's obviously learned from Terry Bradshaw how to work the media with the "aw shucks, I might be injured for this game" routine. Odds are when it comes down to getting it done, he will. The question here is who's behind him? The way Ben plays, the backup will see some time, it's just a fact of life. The team clearly wants to position Dennis Dixon as the backup of the future, but he keeps falling short of expectations. The problem is they want him to stand there and pass, I guess they're afraid of people see him running around they'll think Ben contacted some weird reverse Michael Jackson disease and turned into a black guy. They also clearly want Charlie Batch to retire so they don't have to upset anyone by cutting him for being old, but then he ends up outplaying anyone else they put in the mix for the backup roles. Clearly, Batch had penis cancer that was cured by Michael Clarke Duncan and as a side effect he will live to 140.
RB: Everyone got all anally tender during the offseason over Rashard's twitter comments after Bin Laden was killed. All he really said was that celebrating someone's death is kind of creepy even if it was an evil bastard, but the sports media here went off like he fucked each of their mothers so a scandal was born even if there really wasn't anything there. Also, people were still a little mad about the whole fumble in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl situation, so it was probably not the best idea for him to become a twitter conversationalist. Behind him is Isaac Redman as the short yardage specialist, and the team is really in love with 7th rounder Barron Batch. He could end up being a diamond in the rough, but it could also be they really don't have a whole hell of a lot to work with. Johnathan Dwyer showed up to camp a fat tub of goo, so he's likely to get cut soon.
WR: Hines had his whole DUI ordeal, which seems like another "much ado about nothing" situation, but he should have known he can't get away with shit like that anymore since his smilin' ass was on national TV every week dancing. Still, by the time he comes back from off season thumb surgery most of that should have blown over. Besides, he's pretty much a third down possession guy now and more of a coach/player type. The real stars are the young kids, Mike Wallace is just stupid fast, there may not be anyone in the NFL who can keep up with him one on one. Antonio Brown and Emmanuel Sanders grew into a solid #2-#3 combo, but Sanders has some foot issues that the team isn't 100% certain on. I'd expect them to sign a veteran just in case, since most prognoses have Sanders not ready for Week 1 against Baltimore. They're even giving noted flop Limas Sweed another chance to be something other than a bust, but he managed to separate his shoulder in camp already despite no one actually witnessing him doing anything. I mean, it's not like it's his nature to fake an injury. Oh, wait....
TE: Heath Miller, and really, after that doesn't matter. They finally got rid of Matt "Hands of Stone" Spaeth, who legit cost them at least one game last season by having sure TDs clank off him. David Johnson is more or less the backup TE, he's really a fullback but Bruce Arians doesn't believe in those so there you go.
Offensive Line: Right now your starting five are Johnathan Scott, Chris Kemoeatu, Maurkice Pouncey, Ramon Foster, and Wille Colon. That's probably the best they've had in a while, so as long as they stay reasonably healthy it should be at worst not a weak point. Flozell was a salary cap cut, his agent stated he would not rework his deal or accept a backup role so in turn he was told to GTFO. Max Starks was another cap cut that shocked some people because he was a giant, but he was also injury prone and taking up cap space that needed to go elsewhere. What's scary here is there's pretty much no depth. Doug Legursky can be plugged in pretty much anywhere, but if more than one starter goes down, there's nothing but ham n' eggers to choose from. The biggest joke in the NFL is how Tony Hills keeps getting a roster spot despite being terrible at offensive lineman-ing, but he's a warm body who can take up space. There were a couple of guys drafted this year for the o-line, and the conventional wisdom is they should be able to get roster spots as long as they can make it to the practice field without getting lost.
Coming up next time: The Defense! Will James Harrison and Roger Goodell finally give in and consummate their love? Stay tuned!