Friday, August 26, 2011


PERTINENT DATA: 6-10 last year; 45 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): There is a chance that everything that has gone wrong the last couple of years was Mike Singletary’s fault, and now that he’s picked his pants up off the locker room floor, stuffed them in a box with the rest of his shit and been sent back to Chicago or Waco or wherever the hell he spends his time being that overly intense misfit who probably browbeats the mailman and shouts at his kids through a bullhorn for not keeping their heads shaved military style, maybe the 49ers will be able to have that breakthrough season that everyone was expecting from them the last couple of years. Maybe Jim Harbaugh really is a wunderkind ubergenius of a coach who will dance circles around every other coach and then laugh at his weekly press conferences, shake his head and say shit like “Lord, what fools these mortals be.” And maybe the Patrick Willis led defense can cover for the fact that Alex Smith is still the quarterback. But, shit, he still is the quarterback, you know? And as long as that’s the case, the best case scenario for the 49ers has a natural ceiling. So maybe the best case scenario for the 49ers includes Alex Smith and his tiny, tiny hands getting injured and Jim Harbaugh slapping on some pads at halftime and charging into the game to gritball the 49ers to victory. After all, he probably has some natural chemistry with that degenerate Braylon Edwards since both are proud Michigan Men (and have both been called incredibly vile names by certain sects of the Michigan fanbase in recent times.) So, let’s say that happens. I suppose the 49ers could somehow find their way to 10-6 but they probably lack the firepower to really do much more than that. So, best case scenario? Probably 10-6 and a first round playoff loss, but that is probably a fever dream. In the real world, they are stuck with Alex Smith and Braylon will end up getting pulled over for his 18th DUI or get busted for bumfighting or some shit and the 49ers will finish 6-10, but this is supposed to be the best case scenario and so we won’t pontificate on those ugly possibilities. Take it away, Raven!
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): As the fan of an NFC power team during the '80s and early '90s, there is no terrible run of luck that is enough to satisfy my intense hatred of the 49ers. Besides having the ugliest uniform colors in all of professional football, and besides all the shithead bandwagon fans from back in the day who have long since abandoned their 49ers gear for something else, which is why one out of every five African kids you see in "Africa is so fucked" retrospectives on TV news programs is wearing a 49ers shirt of some sort. I briefly liked them just because crazy man Singletary, but that just didn't pan out. And it couldn't have. Bill Walsh was a notorious racist old curmudgeon who instituted football Illuminati through the West Coast offense where there were secret lists of acceptable head coaches, and the only black guy available was Denny Green. Eventually people figured out that was kinda fucked up, so they started making teams at least talk to black people again for head coaching gigs. That allowed Singletary eventually to get a job in San Francisco, but like Neil pointed out, crazy military House of Payne comedic style (I wish Singletary wore multi-colored slacks like that weird dude on that show) did not work in San Fran, so they hired Bill Walsh 2.0 in Harbaugh. Hey guess what? Fuck Jim Harbaugh. You know what I hated just as much as the 49ers in the '80s? The Chicago Bears. Every other asshole with a gmail account who grew up in the '80s loves the Bears, and fuck them all. Harbaugh is so hyped up as the greatest coach to ever come into the pros, but most college coaches don't pan out. Oh yeah, he should have been a pro coach but did college first to flesh out his resume. Whatever. His starting QB is Alex Smith, and the back-up option is even shittier. Michael Crabtree is a bust. Vernon Davis, for all the respect he gets from the media because he's a black guy that talks like he might've actually read his Shakespeare assignments in college, has not really proven himself to be the superstar TE he was drafted to be. And on defense, with Mike Singletary's rabid obsessiveness and pants-dropping threats, they were just starting to crack that code with some good players. This year? They signed Carlos Rogers. That dude sucks. These guys will come apart at the seams this year, and Harbaugh will have to run off half the team. Hell, even in the NFC West, considering how well this team underperformed last year, they could top that, and maybe push for Andrew Luck themselves. And it would please me week in and week out to see them suffer. Fuckers can't even protect their stadium from Raiders fans. Bitches, from the fanbase to the starting QB to the dynastic elder to famous former star Joe Montana to that creepy pedophiliac mountain running Jerry Rice dude - all bitches.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Neil): Fuck it, root for Braylon. Yeah, he is a degenerate, he’s got a big, dumb mouth and he drops tons of passes, but he’s not afraid to rock that Kimbo Slice beard, at least he says what he thinks instead of trying to play nice all the time and for every pass he drops, he’ll make one otherworldly catch that will remind you that this dude has the goods. Now, I know, I know, some of you are complaining and saying this is just influenced by my Michigan fandom, but just remember, I have sneered and called Braylon Edwards a cocksucker in casual conversation within the last calendar year. If I can rise above those feelings of disappointment and irritation then so can you. Besides, I still remember that fall day in 2004 when he went fucking crazy and demolished the Michigan St. Stantons all by himself. So okay, fine, maybe this is a pick influenced by rank homerism, but frankly, my dear Scarlett, I don’t give a fuck.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Raven): It would be easy to say Alex Smith here, but why should he be to blame for someone over-evaluating his professional value, but all the dude did was end up being exactly what he was going to be. I'd have to say more than anybody I hate Vernon Davis, mostly because this whole "He's a smart black guy because he speaks well" thing is really just latent racism exposing itself in a culturally acceptable way. Plus, I don't know, I just don't like Vernon Davis, though from watching him play in college at Maryland, and seeing the dude be overly emotional a lot of times, to a point that's borderline concerning, him being stationed in San Francisco is probably a great move to enable him to discover who he truly is, and find real happiness on this Earth. We sometimes mistakenly assume as fans that just because these guys play a sport we want to watch them, that they should be perfectly happy to play this profession - not sport - for millions of dollars, although their agent gets a cut, and they have to hire trainers and shit like that, and plus have family and entourages and all that. True happiness comes from being what you truly are, and Vernon Davis is truly not a smashmouth Tight End who can dominate the NFL. Hopefully he finds himself.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: Antwan Applewhite.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, the 49ers fans get excited when their team gets out to a 5-0 start or something like that, only to be brought back down to earth once they roll into Detroit and get shanked by my beloved Lions in a brutal shitkicking which will rival the vicious gang beatings they will no doubt receive throughout the season by Oakland hoodlums in Road Warrior outfits and hatred in their black and silver hearts. After this epic demolition, both Braylon and Harbaugh will be forced to stagger naked down Woodward with crosses on their backs and beg forgiveness for their various heresies and betrayals, but no Spartans better throw any goddamn tomatoes or burn any couches, for this is family business goddammit, and while I may brutally whip members of my own clan and call them vicious cocksuckers, family is still family and we must protect our own. Unless it’s Greg Robinson. Fuck him. Spartan fans, feel free to pelt that dude with tomatoes and gnaw on his wicked bones. Wait, what was I talking about here again? The 49ers? Oh right. Well, in a perfect world, following such a dreadful loss, the 49ers would regroup behind a suitably chastened Harbaugh and Braylon and coast to the NFC West Title and the playoffs, where they would again get brutalized by the Lions. Following that loss, Jimbo would quit to become an unpaid graduate assistant for the Wolverines while Braylon would get bored and try to drunkenly ride atop a live Wolverine and then jump it over the Snake River Canyon. This is also the most believable of all possible scenarios, in my opinion. After all, I am, if nothing else, a realist and I would hate to mislead you.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): You know, I talked a lot of shit out of hatred, but the Harbaugh factor will right this sinking ship, which is unfortunate, because he needs a lot of tools on offense. If their defense can remain tough, they should finish 8-8, almost winning the NFC West, but coming up just short, again.


JP said...

Dude to pull for is Frank Gore, bar none. He is the Stephen Jackson of the 49ers. Dude is a beast but gets very little love because he plays for a shitty team, with a shitty QB. Here's to hoping he doesn't work out his contract with them and comes to the Lions.

I do however love the 9ers for gifting Shaun Hill to the Lions for a can of tuna and a hot dog. WTF were they thinking?

Neil said...

You're right, I like Frank Gore and feel bad that he has been saddled with that shitty team for so long now. Plus, dude made it even though his knees were eaten by Cuban refugees while he was in college and since that college was Miami, we can assume his knees were also hollowed out and used to smuggle all sorts of illicit shit into Tha U.

Whiouxsie said...

Like most hereditary dynasties throughout history, the 49ers front office routinely cuts off its nose to spite its face, in order to protect the status quo and people who got their positions by name and privilege, rather than merit. (They also compuslively inbreed, making each successive generation more insane and even less qualified, proving why monarchy and primogeniture aren't used as a serious form of government anymore [except in Santa Clara]. And while none of us have accused the Yorks of generational incest YET, we'd definitely start to on even the most flimsy of evidence, because we hate them.)

On the field, this has translated into making sure all veteran/journeymen quarterbacks brought in to back up Alex Smith are no threat to his position whatsover, because they are has beens (Daunte Culpepper, two weeks ago) or never weres (Troy Smith last year) or shell shocked trauma cases who have been sacked so often they curl up into a fetal position and rock back and forth pissing themselves whenever they seen an opposing colored helmet (David Carr).

Shaun Hill was thus Exiled To The Netherwastes Of Detroit (which aren't that netherwastey after all and turned out to be a step up for Shaun) because injuries to Smith forced the 49ers to use him for an extended period, during which he WON GAMES. Sticking with Hill would prove and expose that Alex Smith was the Wrong Draft Choice [which everyone in the real world already knew even BEFORE Aaron Rodgers won a super bowl and made himself a replica NWA World Heavyweight Championship Belt to commemorate the achievement], thus Shaun Hill had to be sent somewhere where he wouldn't outshine Alex anymore.

Patrick Willis definitely the 49er for neutral observers to root for, though. He's awesome. To the point where I'm sometimes tempted to steal Neil's material and start telling tales about Willis' prior career marauding alongside Genghis Khan and Erik Bloodaxe. But that would just be silly.

Neil said...

Tales of truth are never silly, dearest Whiouxsie.

Whiouxsie said...

Yeah, but it was actually Harald Hadrada, not Erik Bloodaxe. I just wanted to throw the name Erik Bloodaxe out there because it sounds a lot cooler, which is silly and unbecoming of us at ACLB, as we do not simply pop off with what sounds cool, but instead use serious Science and hard Journalism.

Raven Mack said...

serious Science and hard ass Journalism... don't forget the ass

AERose said...

If I had had an NFL team growing up, it would have been the Niners (ties to the Bay and all that), but I didn't and the Niners suck so fuck them and fuck Jim Harbaugh who is Mike Singletary but white and better at surrounding himself with competent assistants.