Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Bear Jew And You

He beats German soldiers with a club.

As I said last time I spoke of current events, the 2011 draft was almost a thing. Because before things got all weird, what with the project safeties and third-string QBs and all, things were as perfect as they could have been, especially on this freaking team. There I was, waiting for the announcement on the internet streamy thing, (I can't remember if this was done illegally or not. Did have something on there this year?) knowing that with offensive line as probably the team's four or five biggest needs, they were going to fuck around and grab a defensive end or a stupid blocking tight end for Mike Martz or something. But for once, they actually got it right, (or terribly wrong, if you're a Ravens fan, but that's a whole 'nother thing) and somehow got both maybe the best player available AND the team's biggest need, which is two descriptive terms better than the Bears' top pick usually has.

John Thierry, ladies and gentlemen.

Because seriously, looking back over the last few years of the NFL Draft, it's a wonder that this team hasn't crumbled to dust and been swept into the goddamn sea by the fury of the gods. Lovie Smith says that his goal is to get four starters out of every draft, but usually, they're lucky to get four week-one players, much less starters. Looking back over the team's drafts since 2004, the only years they managed to meet the goal were 2007 and 2008. And in '07, Corey Graham, Kevin Payne, and Trumaine McBride only got there due to injuries and a crippling lack of secondary depth. As for 2008, Zack Bowman has already lost his starting role, and Chris Williams would have, if there was anyone left to replace him with. This team has been stuck in a decade-long endless loop of injuries, off-the-field issues, and amazingly ignored question marks and red flags that seem to have them drafting new players each year to fill in where last year's players didn't do the job. Off the top of my head, safety Chris Conte was drafted this year due to lack of confidence in Major Wright, who was drafted because Al Afalava wasn't very good, who was drafted because Craig Steltz didn't pan out, who was drafted because Kevin Payne was impressing nobody, who was drafted because Danieal Manning was in the process of taking five years to develop, who was drafted because they were too goddamn stupid to see what they had in Chris Harris. Wow. So you see why the draft scares me.

Also, this.

And that there is the thing: Gabe Carimi does not scare me at all. Well, I mean, he's a big ol' dude and could probably kick my ass, but that's not what I was talking about. See, there are no real question marks surrounding the guy, and this is a team that's seemed to seek out question marks in everyone they've acquired over the last few years. There's always something when the Bears draft up high. Chris Williams had a bad back. Tommie Harris had bad knees. Alonzo Spellman had Bad Brains. Cedric Benson had lazy bones and delicate feelings. Tank Johnson had an impressive collection of semi-registered firearms. Rashaan Salaam had an illegal smile that didn't cost very much, but lasted a long while. And David Terrell, Curtis Enis, and Cade McNown were mostly just assholes. But the only real question anyone was able to come up with regarding Gabe Carimi basically boiled down to something along the lines of, "so, Jewish, huh? Well.... How Jewish?" Seriously, that was it. The only concern was what he would do if Yom Kippur fell on a Sunday, and without missing a beat, he told them that it won't happen anytime in the next fifteen years, and that's some thinking-ahead shit you wouldn't have heard from Cedric Benson if they asked him a similar question about International Sun Chips & Vodka Day. This dude has apparently got his shit together insanely well. Those people are like that, you know.

As for what the future holds, it's pretty much a no-brainer that he'll immediately move to right tackle, hopefully taking Frank Omiyale off the field forever and ever amen. And I guess from there, he'll be the one shining light in a five-man squad defined by mediocrity, terrible disappointment, and bitter tears falling from the eyes of Kristin Cavallari on to the broken corpse of Jay Cutler. Because while the future can hold any damn thing, the Bears brass has made it known that Carimi will probably be pretty much the only new offensive lineman on the team this year. I guess seeing the check Virginia wrote for Julius Peppers last year has made the rest of the dumbass McCaskeys nervous about the financial solvency of their 53-man trust fund, all ignorant to the idea that winning teams make more money anyway. So the current plan has human turnstile J'Marcus Webb gently pushing defensive ends into Chicago quarterbacks, Chris Williams preparing to fail at guard (and according to rumor, maybe even center) as badly as he failed at tackle, and Olin Kreutz possibly not being resigned. On one hand, that's good, because 2011 Olin Kreutz is a terrible Olin Kreutz, and while Roberto Garza isn't a superstar or anything, it'll still be an improvement. But on the other hand, a position change for Garza probably means Omiyale sliding back in at guard and OH GOD THE COBRAS ARE BACK

"Ssssssleeeeeep forrrevverrrrrrrrr"

So yeah. As far as the Big Picture, things are likely to remain bleak with sporadic teases of hope until Smith and Angelo are gone and the McCaskeys sell the team. But for once, we got one of the big questions right, and it's hard to not celebrate a little. But like internally, because if you straight up held a celebration for a team's first round pick, and like you weren't related to him or anything, people would stop speaking to you. Celebrate internally. It's like the opposite of diarrhea, I guess.

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