Friday, February 25, 2011

Early Draft Wish-Listing

Even though the real talk right now is labor bullshit and whether there will be football as we know it or not next year, I am going to start talking about the draft. You know why? Because I am confident they will work out these alleged labor issues. In the real world, mad motherfuckers are going broke, homeless, and eating off food stamps. This whole NFL melodrama is created nonsense using our actual national current-time (as opposed to past-time) to make us all be dumbasses and go, "Oh yeah, they worked it out." Plus, without free football to numb us through the falls and have highly-gazed product placements on thru the Super Bowl, it's a big deal. The NFL is a key cog in the social engineering of us Americans, so that shit ain't going nowhere. Count on it.
Anyways, I want to be as brief as possible, sort of, which shouldn't be hard considering the Redskins usually have traded away most of their draft picks for merchandise boosts using the names of downward trending veterans. Often times, these missing picks are for dudes who ain't even around no more, kind of like our 4th round pick if Donovan McNabb is officially no longer a Redskin by then. Probably why he won't go nowhere until then. Unless they can trade him.
That's my first draft analysis talking point: TRADE DONOVAN MCNABB AND ALBERT HAYNESWORTH. I don't give a fuck if all we get is a 7th round pick and two cases of Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies. Just get rid of them. Fuck this keeping useless shit around because it was expensive useless shit and you think you can somehow make it worth your while. Now I know that McNabb, as shitty and inconsistent as he is, might be the best QB we have still. But shit man, do the guy a favor and just let him go. Trade him to Arizona so he can be at home, or really anywhere he might be down to go if you can pilfer a pick out of it, even if it's conditional as fuck pick.
This would of course leave us with catastrophe in motion Rex Grossman and some dude with a mullet as our remaining QBs. Which brings me to my second talking point: DO NOT DRAFT A QUARTERBACK, AT ALL. This means not at all. Probably the best thing that has happened this offseason regarding the Redskins is that Cam Newton's draft stock is apparently rising far ahead of our #10 pick. This is good. That was a disaster waiting to happen, basically repeating the Jason Campbell failure, but at like four times the financial burden. Of course, draft stock rising or falling could all be a sleazy agent's sneaky media manipulations, and Newton might still be there at #10. But they should not pick a QB. I will allow for them to do so if they somehow acquire other picks and have drafted a total of 8 other individuals before picking a QB, in either the 5th or 6th round. No 7th round QB is going to do anything but run a practice squad, and really, there's so much broken shit in this team, you're just throwing a young QB behind the wheel of a death machine he can't control if you waste a high pick on it this year. See what you can do with everything else for now, let Rex Grossman completely suck, maybe throw in some free agent retread as well, and wait until next year to see if the QB crop is any better and you actually have something to protect the fucker with.
Which brings me to my third talking point: USE THAT #10 PICK ON THE MOST BEASTLY OF OFFENSIVE LINEMAN YOU CAN FIND. Trent Williams was taken last year, and I like the looks of that dude. If you could throw another mongoloid beast guard next to him on the left side, or find another bookend tackle for the other side of the line, that would be the smartest pair of first draft picks the Redskins have made in decades.
Number four: DO NOT GET STUCK IN A 3-4 DEFENSE. It is the hot trend in the NFL, and what the Redskins want to have going on. But because everybody is moving from the 4-3 to 3-4, players who excel at those key spots in the 3-4 are highly coveted. Thus I propose a radical change to a 2-5 defense, with two monstrous beast DTs as your line, a normal 3 linebacker set with MLB and your two outside LBs. And then you have two roving LB/DE/DT/SS/headhunter types called NOMAD and MONGOL. Honestly, if we could replace him as an OLB, Brian Orakpo would be a great candidate for the MONGOL position. These two guys should be insane, fed whatever angel dust alternative there is available that can sneak through the NFL's drug tests, and not be allowed to have sex during the season, yet held in a house where pornographic images are beamed constantly on all four walls. Ideally, if you could do that constantly, and then like the night before games, all the images cut off, except for one small clear screen of computer generated porn of a woman who looks like the one true love of the MONGOL or NOMAD's life, having sex with whatever QB they are facing the next day. Then all the screens would cut off, complete quiet, and this raging MONGOL or NOMAD, seething until kick-off. After he is brought home after the game, all four walls are beaming pornographic overload again, A Clockwork Orange style. 90% of football is 100% mental.
My fifth draft point: AFTER THE 4TH ROUND, TAKE AT LEAST 2 REALLY FAST DUDES FROM NON-POWER CONFERENCES WHO PLAY RB/WR/DB. These dudes might not ever be shit, but if they can play special teams, perhaps return kicks or punts, then they make themselves valuable enough to see if they are worth a shit. Let them. Brandon Banks and Anthony Armstrong both did great in such capacities last year, and both came in as undrafted free agents. Of course, being we have not actively built a team in like 15 years, lots of Redskins fans are like, "Man, this is awesome, now we can get guys to work around Brandon Banks and Anthony Armstrong!" Fuck that. The moment you are satisfied, that's the moment you are fucked. We should have three Anthony Armstrongs and five Brandon Banks at all times. All fucking times.
Point number six: DRAFT EITHER A SAMOAN OR A WHITE GUY WITH A LAST NAME CONTAINING AT LEAST NINE CONSONANTS. Preferably, we gain a few extra draft picks somehow and can do this twice, but in the later rounds, this is a basic philosophy that will build a hard-nosed, blue collar mentality to your team.
Seventhly: When in doubt about something, or if there is conflict between head coach Mike Shanahan and GM Bruce Allen, give the owner a call and DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT DAN SNYDER THINKS WOULD BE BEST. Hopefully by now, Shanny and Bruce have a good enough working relationship where if they disagree, they'll call up Snyder and ask his opinion, on speaker phone, and like he'll agree with say Bruce Allen, and they'll hang up, and then Bruce will drop his head and go, "Damn Mike, I thought I knew what I was talking about on this one. I guess you're right. We'll go your way." Obviously you have to try to keep it secret you know the boss is a complete dumbass (like the rest of us in America!), but that should be the methods of operation should there be a hung jury on something.
Finally, all I ask is just don't fucking actively ruin my life another spring. At least give me the summer to pretend things could magically turn good again. Please.

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