Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Adventures Of The Great Willie Young: Willius Maximus

An artist's rendering of The Great Willie Young, locked in combat in The Coliseum.

As always, if this is your first glimpse into the exciting world of The Great Willie Young, I would highly, highly recommend that you catch up on his past adventures by clicking the tag titled, naturally, “Willie Young” located at the end of this post. Thank you, and may the force be with you, live long and prosper and party on, dudes. Also, we’re going to need a bigger boat. That’s also a famous line from a movie, just like those other ones. Hey, how about that? Play it again, Sam. That’s another one. Although, actually, funny story: that was never the actual line. The actual line is . . . Jesus, my shock collar just went off. Sorry. No, that wasn’t the line. My shock collar, the one placed upon me by worried scientists, men such as Dave Copernicus and Bob Newton, to keep me from straying from the point just went off, and . . . Jesus! There it goes again.

Today’s tale comes down to us from ancient Rome, where it would seem that a barbarian who went by the name Willius Maximus had become something of a celebrity, a sensation who battled his way into the hearts of Romans both rich and poor through a series of epic showdowns in the Coliseum. Accounts from such noted observers as Ovid and Virgil, which span decades and which make it clear that this Willius Maximus was the Stone Cold Steve Austin of his day, leave no doubt that this infamous gladiator was none other than The Great Willie Young.

It is unknown just how The Great Willie Young found himself battling slaves and bears and tigers and even the stray sasquatch in the Coliseum. There are many different stories. Some of them claim that he was taken prisoner after destroying an entire Roman legion all by himself during a fierce battle in Gaul, but that is likely a silly myth because everyone knows that The Great Willie Young is incapable of being taken prisoner. Others claim that he was tricked by none other than Julius Caesar, who baited The Great Willie Young with the lure of a fine woman and then poisoned him, locked him in a crate reinforced with titanium chains and had him shipped as his personal slave back to Rome. This is also very likely bullshit, both because The Great Willie Young would never trust a white devil like Caesar and because, come on, where in the hell would Julius Caesar find titanium chains? Titanium wasn’t discovered until 1791 by William Gregor. Everyone knows this. Still other accounts say that The Great Willie Young did it all to impress a Roman noble woman, and while this would certainly be in character, it doesn’t quite make sense. I mean, if The Great Willie Young wanted to impress a lady, all he needed to do was show up at her door, smile and say “Hey baby, I’m The Great Willie Young.” The most likely – and logical – explanation can be found in the writings of Virgil, who said (loosely translated from the original Latin):

“Willius Maximus appeared like a great, dark lord, cloaked in fire and majesty, a prince risen from the depths, sent by Jupiter and Neptune to serve as their avatars here on the earthly plane. His eyes are as diamonds, and they shine with the mysteries of the unknown, and in them can be seen the great halls of time, and to stare into them for more than a moment is to invite madness, for mortal man is not meant to understand the great mysteries which lie within.”

In this we can see a hint of The Great Willie Young’s true reason for fighting as a gladiator in the Coliseum: he did it for fun. Indeed, the only way the people of Rome could conceive of a being of pure light such as The Great Willie Young was to imbue him with the majesty of their own gods. The reality of the man was mixed up with the inexorable power of myth, as it so often is with great men and so he lived amongst the people of Rome like some sort of mythical beast, too fantastical to truly know, but with a body made of flesh and blood that they could touch and taste and feel. The vessel which carried his spirit walked before them, day after day, year after year, and they reveled in it, but the spirit itself lived in great halls inaccessible to their mortal beings.

It was in the midst of this that The Great Willie Young found himself ensnared in the turbulent political atmosphere of the time. A gladiator by trade, no one much cared for The Great Willie Young’s political beliefs, which was sad because The Great Willie Young is a brilliant statesman, wise and cunning, and as we have seen, he has spent years in the company of great leaders and even helped rule medieval China for several decades. But to the Roman people, he was just a gladiator – a great gladiator whom they feared and worshipped – but just a gladiator none the less. They simply could not comprehend that a great warrior such as Willius Maximus could also contain a great and brilliant mind, although the greatest warriors are those who understand that the mind is the greatest weapon of all. Next to the flamethrower anyway, because that shit is just cool.

The Great Willie Young knew this and he kept silent as the city broke into rival factions, some supporting the old general Pompeii, and some falling for the lure of the seductive Julius Caesar. The Great Willie Young didn’t much like either man, as he was – and is – a free spirit and had no use for would be tyrants. In this respect, if pressed, The Great Willie Young had to admit to himself that he favored the policies of Pompeii, who was willing to allow the Senate to retain its position of utmost prominence in the Republic. But, Pompeii was also a weak old fool, and The Great Willie Young couldn’t respect this and so he found himself gravitating, as so many did, to the side of Julius Caesar, who was strong and vigorous.

One day, after yet another vicious battle in the Coliseum, one which saw him armbar a grizzly bear into submission, Willius Maximus stood before the adoring crowd and soaked in their cheers. He smiled, mostly because he knew that he would be doing battle later that night with the decency of several of the city’s leading noblewoman, and he bowed his head respectfully to the throng, who cheered and demanded that he finish the grizzly bear, who was groaning in agony on the ground next to him, his giant furry arm broken, his soul shattered. But The Great Willie Young was a man of honor and the grizzly had fought hard and deserved to walk away with his life. And so The Great Willie Young walked away from the bear. The people were disappointed, but they understood and they cheered The Great Willie Young anyway. All except for one man, none other than Pompeii himself, who was a known lover of all things barbaric. He bellowed from his private box and demanded that The Great Willie Young finish the bear, Mortal Kombat style. (Hey, that’s just what Virgil said. It’s not like I’m making this up as I go.)

The Great Willie Young stopped and glared in the direction of Pompeii. The old fool. The Great Willie Young had spent countless nights pleasuring Pompeii’s wife while Pompeii sat in the corner and wept. It was little known that the old man was impotent and he derived a kind of perverse pleasure from watching his own wife fornicate with the leading gladiators of the day. In fact, it was only the night before that he had watched her ride the very grizzly bear who had just been pummeled by Willius Maximus. It is possible that this played into Pompeii’s desire to see the grizzly’s life ended, but that is just conjecture, and since I am a scientist and a historian, it would be irresponsible of me to speculate.

Pompeii glared back at Willius Maximus while his wife whispered to a servant girl that she needed a fresh pair of panties. The Great Willie Young shook his head, refusing to kill the grizzly, and Pompeii immediately ordered his troops to surround Willius Maximus. The crowd began to jeer and The Great Willie Young knew he had no choice but to finish the grizzly. After all, he loved his life, and he knew that if he butchered all of Pompeii’s soldiers, then he would have to go on the run. And so The Great Willie Young, with much sadness, stood over the grizzly bear, who continued to moan with pain. He bent down and whispered in the grizzly’s ear “Forgive me,” and then reached into the bear’s chest and tore out his heart. The crowd roared and Pompeii smiled, smug in his private box.

For several long moments, The Great Willie Young stood in the center of the Coliseum while the bear’s warm, still beating heart pumped its last drops of blood, which spurted onto the ground below. Pompeii stood up and motioned for Willius Maximus to do the honorable thing and eat the beast’s heart. But The Great Willie Young was no barbarian and so instead he cocked back his arm and with a mighty heave, he threw the bear’s heart at Pompeii. The heart hit Pompeii in the chest and exploded all over his wife and servants. Pompeii himself was knocked back twenty feet from the impact of the blow. It was said that from that day forward, his breathing was labored and his chest weak. His doctors officially diagnosed him with bruised lungs but all who were there that day know that The Great Willie Young really bruised Pompeii’s spirit and his will to live.

Immediately, Pompeii’s soldiers descended upon The Great Willie Young, but his majesty was so great that they trembled before him and then en masse fell to their knees and begged his forgiveness. A generous man, The Great Willie Young granted their forgiveness, but not before taking the head off of their captain with a swipe of his mighty hand as a warning to them all. He then held the captain’s head aloft to the cheers of the adoring crowd before punting it into the stands, which damn near caused a riot as the Proletariat all fought one another for such a glorious souvenir.

Triumphant, The Great Willie Young marched out of the Coliseum. He returned to his luxurious estate, given to him as a reward for his dominance in the Coliseum by none other than Julius Caesar. Some would say this was a brazen attempt to win The Great Willie Young’s favor, but wise men, including The Great Willie Young himself, understood that it just made good sense. Of course he was going to favor a man who gifted him with a fine estate, with several slaves of its own, over an impotent old degenerate who ordered him around as if he were a slave himself.

That night was spent in tense anticipation. The Great Willie Young assumed that Pompeii would try to exact his revenge, but the old coward hid himself away in his villa and was said to have bawled like a baby, such was his fear of the might and glory of The Great Willie Young. When morning arrived, and the sun with it, The Great Willie Young sneered with disgust and decided to personally march over to Pompeii’s villa to settle the score once and for all. Also, Pompeii’s old lady was a decent lay and, hey, two birds with one stone, you know?

Upon arriving, The Great Willie Young was met by a fresh faced guard, who immediately pissed himself. The Great Willie Young took the guard’s sword and then kicked the man in the ass and told him to run along. It was said by tribes in the darkest forests of Germania that this man could still be seen running, in fear for his life, as far north as modern day Denmark. Of course, this is preposterous, but it is possible that the man died of exhaustion somewhere in Northern Italy but his spirit kept on running and this is what the Germans saw.

The Great Willie Young then marched into the villa and immediately slew Pompeii’s personal bodyguard with the sword taken from the young soldier at the gate. Pompeii trembled and shook like the scared old bitch that he was and then he dropped to his knees and begged The Great Willie Young for forgiveness. He offered him land, and gold and title too. Finally, he offered The Great Willie Young his wife, but Willie just laughed and said “Damn, Pompeii, I already done wore that ass out.” Pompeii then began sobbing. He fell upon his face, crawled forward and began kissing The Great Willie Young’s noble feet. Willie just shook his head in disgust and said “Motherfucker, you a shameful ass bitch, you know that?” Pompeii blubbered his agreement and The Great Willie Young merely sighed and then grabbed the old fool by the scruff of his neck and hoisted him to his feet.

Pompeii recoiled in fear but The Great Willie Young just set him down, looked him in directly in the eye – which, by the way, took ten years off of Pompeii’s life – and explained to him that he would step aside and haul ass out of town and let Caesar take control of the city. Pompeii began to whine and bitch and moan but The Great Willie Young slapped him, hard, right across the face and Pompeii trembled before The Great Willie Young’s pimp hand. Pompeii knew he had no choice but to agree and so, that very morning, he packed up his household, gathered his soldiers and got the fuck out of town.

It is said that Pompeii’s wife stayed behind and became The Great Willie Young’s live in lover, but let’s face it, The Great Willie Young wasn’t about to let himself get tied down and so it is more likely that he allowed Pompeii’s old lady to, I don’t know, serve as his housekeeper or something. I know that sounds sexist, but don’t blame me, I’m just a humble interpreter of history. Blame Virgil or blame the times that made such a shameful thing possible.

It is also said that when Julius Caesar entered Rome in triumph, he paid a visit to The Great Willie Young and bowed before him, acknowledging his might and splendor. The Great Willie Young was said to have placed his hand on Caesar’s bowed head, which he then pat several times as a sign that he accepted Julius Caesar as titular head of the Roman government. I say titular because the reality was that everyone knew that Caesar was merely the vassal of The Great Willie Young and served at his discretion. Also, titular has the word tit in it, which is kind of funny, and . . . Jesus! That shock collar hurts.

Anyway, this arrangement would have no doubt made Rome a veritable Utopia, but The Great Willie Young soon grew bored and left Rome to make his mark elsewhere. It was said that the people of Rome wept when they learned that he had gone, and it was also said that this allowed Caesar to name himself dictator. Without the strong hand of The Great Willie Young around to keep him in check, Caesar’s ambition grew out of control. But The Great Willie Young cannot be responsible for all of man’s failures. After all, he loves us, and therefore he believes that we must stand on our own sometimes. Unfortunately for Caesar, his inability to remain humble, and his failure to understand the teachings of The Great Willie Young eventually led to his assassination but the people of Rome didn’t care. They were just happy to be rid of that shithead Pompeii, and even today, in the rubble of the Coliseum is inscribed the following, translated from the original latin: “Here is the throne of The Great Willie Young, the true king of Rome, the enemy of tyranny and the liberator of man.” If you don’t believe me, buy a ticket and fly to Rome. Also, how dare you call me a liar? I mean, after all the . . . damn it, I need to have this fucking shock collar removed.


CJ said...

So...the Republic was destroyed because Willie Young got bored. I think I read about this is in Cicero's "Tyranny, Freedom, or Wenching."

In the spirit of Cicero, I will blaspheme: Why can't the Great Willie Young play quarterback?

Hilarious post, as always, although I expected a vomitorium to come into it somehow. Also, the sasquatch in the colosseum was a great image.

Neil said...

The twist ending to Cicero's "Tyranny, Freedom or Wenching" is that it is revealed that Wenching is the truest form of freedom, as it relieves a man from the tyranny of blue balls.

Ahem. Sorry.

Really, though, there was so much I could do with Ancient Rome but I had to restrain myself (Yes, that is me being restrained) otherwise I would have inadvertently written a novel or at least a spec script to sell to HBO.

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