Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Adventures Of The Great Willie Young: The Real Story Of William Tell

Note: If you haven’t already read them, please take the time to catch up on the previous installments in The Adventures Of The Great Willie Young. You can do this by clicking the tag at the end of this post named Willie Young. Seriously, so much more of this will make sense if you do this. Well, as much sense as it can make anyway.

Today’s tale comes down to us from 14th century Switzerland, where it would seem that a mysterious wanderer took up the cause of Swiss independence, battling the tyrannical forces of the Austrian Hapsburgs. This wanderer is described in various accounts as “an eight foot tall Goliath with the strength of 70 men” and as “the thunder that accompanies the lightning, the wind that shakes the tree-tops, the fire that warms the loins of the lasses at night” and simply as “Black Jesus.”

There can be no doubt then that this wanderer was none other than The Great Willie Young. Indeed, it would seem that after years of fighting evil Chinese monks and Nazi Colonels and Panther Gods in the Everglades, The Great Willie Young picked out a spot in time in a place of idyllic splendor to rest for a while. We know this place as the Swiss Alps, and for a while, The Great Willie Young seemed to enjoy great peace and harmony living amongst the Swiss peasants. Among them, he was as a god, a figure of such greatness that on each Christmas morning, the people would line up and offer him gifts, but since they were so poor, these gifts often took the form of their own wives. The Great Willie Young was never one to turn down a free gift, as much out of respect for the gift giver as anything else, and so he gladly accepted these wives, these milkmaidens and, uh, whatever the hell else it was that medieval Swiss ladies did. And sure enough, every late summer, there would be a spate of new births in the village and the people celebrated the unusually dark skinned children which came to them and they thanked God for the gift of The Great Willie Young.

For it was The Great Willie Young who taught them how to properly hunt, how to properly read and write, and how to properly lay with a woman. Indeed, the poor Swiss were little more than barbarians, Germanic animals with hearts made of confusion and souls of little more worth than a fox or a retarded bear before The Great Willie Young came to civilize them. Thanks to him, they learned the value of clothing (the men, anyway) and of proper grooming (the women, anyway) and they stopped worshipping the sun and the moon and began to worship God, who they said took the form of a man out of respect for The Great Willie Young.

(Note: Historians will refute these claims and will swear that the Swiss were civilized long before the 14th century. As usual, this is because historians are heathens and heretics with an agenda of hate to spread. They have hearts of coal and their souls are withered and useless, vestigial appendages of the humanity which they have long abandoned. So, you can listen to them if you want, but just know that if you do so you are championing the forces of darkness and of hate. Or you can listen to me and my team of scientists, great and noble men like Dave Copernicus and Bob Newton. Are you going to just sit there and spit in Norman Einstein’s face? I thought not. I thought not.)

But with civilization comes self-awareness, and it was through this that the Swiss realized that they had been forced into servitude for far too long, that the big jawed freaks who called themselves the Hapsburgs, inbred retards who resembled monsters from The Hills Have Eyes or Sloth from The Goonies, had viciously ruled them, abusing them at every turn. These simple water-brained idiots would stagger into the villages, some of them riding equally inbred horses, horses that would list from side to side, their legs dragging behind them, their idiot tongues lolling stupidly out of their fucked up mouths, and they would abuse the villagers, whipping them with great chains, using their retard strength to cow the innocent. The villagers would hide themselves away while the Hapsburg mongoloids (technical term taken from the texts of the time – please, do not blame me for this gross insensitivity) ran wild, hooting and hollering like rabid baboons in heat, slaughtering babies and livestock and lopping off the breasts of the women and defiling the men with their terrible, terrible retard penises. (I’m guessing you wouldn’t mind a good ol’ redacting for gross indecency right about now, huh?)

But all that stopped the day that The Great Willie Young rode into town on a steed sired by none other than the noble Pegasus and raised in the Garden of Eden. As was told earlier, The Great Willie Young civilized the poor, beleaguered Swiss, and it wasn’t long before they were appealing to his greatness, begging him to lead them in their struggle for freedom from those awful, godless Hapsburgs. But The Great Willie Young had come to rest and to live, not to fight, and so he told them to use what they had learned from him and to fight back against their retarded oppressors.

The Swiss girded themselves for battle, and they rode upon the Hapsburg castles with pitchforks and swords and spears made from the bones of their slain children. But the Hapsburgs, retarded as they were, had entrusted the defense of their kingdom to mercenaries led by none other than Wu Pei, The Great Willie Young’s old friend and father in law. (Seriously, if you missed the earlier Tales of The Great Willie Young, I suggest catching up. In particular, you might want to check out The Battle of Lepanto and The Great Willie Young’s Chinese Adventures, Parts I and II. ) Naturally, the poor Swiss farmers and villagers were beaten back with great loss of life. When they reported to The Great Willie Young what had happened, they mentioned the presence of a yellow skinned, slant-eyed devil who slaughtered a great many of them with fireballs from his eyes. Right away, The Great Willie Young knew that the Hapsburgs were protected by the might of Wu Pei and he grieved deeply.

The next morning, The Great Willie Young emerged from his home and climbed atop his noble Pegasus sired steed, and like a flash of great, pure light he shot out of the village while the peasants all bowed their heads in worshipful silence. It is said that before any of the Hapsburgs or Wu Pei knew what was happening, The Great Willie Young was upon them, riding in furious anger through their streets, bitch-slapping any fool dumb enough to get in his way.

While the Hapsburgs all cowered in pools of their own urine and gibbered at one another in some idiot pidgin language, Wu Pei emerged from his castle and stood before the rampaging might of The Great Willie Young. And there the two old friends met and out of respect and love for one another, they agreed to speak instead of fight. It is said by annals written by the servants of Wu Pei that the two great immortals disappeared into the castle, where they feasted and made fun of the Hapsburgs. The Great Willie Young asked Wu Pei why he would ever help those degenerates, and Wu Pei simply shrugged and reportedly said “I gots to get paid, motherfucker” to which The Great Willie Young simply nodded in understanding.

It is said that after a night spent with a pair of imported Italian prostitutes, The Great Willie Young and Wu Pei parted company as friends, with the understanding that if they should meet on the field of battle, then they would do the honorable thing and team up and whip everyone’s ass and then rob the Hapsburgs stupid. (Well, more stupid anyway.) But until then, The Great Willie Young would respect Wu Pei’s desire to get paid and Wu Pei would respect The Great Willie Young’s desire to settle down and bone a lot of Swiss chicks.

And this arrangement seemed to work out fairly well. The villagers were still subject to the occasional raid, but it was usually only one or two Hapsburg princes, young retards looking to get their beaks wet (Really, those inbred fools had actual beaks.) These were usually fended off easily by the villagers, who would chase the Hapsburg idiots back to their borders, where they were kept safe by the magic of Wu Pei. And it was in this environment that a somewhat comfortable stalemate occurred. The villagers were still nominally under the control of the Hapsburgs, but for the most part they flourished under the leadership and guidance of The Great Willie Young, who had become their father both metaphorically and literally, as half of the village’s children were rumored to be his.

But all this changed when the Hapsburgs fired Wu Pei after they discovered him raiding theEmperor’s treasury, which, uh, just so happened to be located in the Queen’s pantaloons. (It should be noted that it is rumored that through Wu Pei’s dalliance with the Queen came a child, and that child eventually sired the line that produced none other than Don Juan de Austria, The Great Willie Young’s friend and whoring companion who commanded the Christian forces at The Battle of Lepanto. Man, history sure is tangled!) After chasing him out of the territory, the Hapsburgs brought in a stern asshole by the name of Albrecht Gessler, and named him Vogt – which is basically a military governor – of the Swiss territories. Gessler was a notorious dickhead who immediately raised a pole in the middle of the village, upon which he placed his hat, and demanded that the Swiss people bow down before it. Naturally, The Great Willie Young was piiiiiiiisssssssed.

It was bad enough that the Hapsburgs had dishonored his old friend and father in law, The Somewhat Great Wu Pei, they had now brought in some humorless asshole who was intent on forcing The Great Willie Young’s own children to bow down before a stupid hat. Willie wasn’t having any of that shit and he told Gessler that he could kiss his black ass and walked by the hat without bowing. Gessler, naturally, ordered his men to arrest The Great Willie Young, who, humoring the poor bastards, allowed himself to be cuffed. Why he did this is unknown but some speculate that it was all part of a plan to humiliate Gessler and inspire the Swiss people to rebel against the retard Hapsburgs once and for all.

Gessler was an arrogant prick, though, and he had it in him to humiliate The Great Willie Young and turn him against his people at the same time. He picked a small boy out of the crowd of villagers and made him stand in the town square with an apple on his head. He then handed The Great Willie Young a crossbow and told him to shoot the apple off the boy’s head. It is reported that The Great Willie Young took one look at the boy, bugged out his eyes comically and said “Yo, that’s my son, you asshole.”

Gessler reportedly just laughed and clapped his fiendish hands together and said “Good, good. Not only will you be responsible for shooting this boy in the face, thus proving to these wretched people what a charlatan you are, but you will feel the pain of his death deep in your own foolish heart.”

The Great Willie Young took a deep breath and removed two crossbow bolts. He casually stood in front of his own son – even though he didn’t even know the boy’s name – and he fired a bolt right through the apple on his head, splitting it in two. The crowd roared and Gessler shook with rage.

“How . . . how did you do that?” he demanded, and the Great Willie Young reportedly just shrugged and said “I’m The Great Willie Young, motherfucker. But these fine ass people know me as The Great Willie Tell.”

The crowd erupted once again and Gessler swore in that fucked up but funny way that German people do and then said “Until the end of time, I swear that when people hear the name of William Tell, they will shake with fear, for they will remember what happens when a fool dares to rebel against the authority of a man of God and The Holy Roman Empire!”

The Great Willie Tell was reported to have just laughed, along with all of the villagers, and then said “Motherfucker, when people think of Willie Tell, they gonna think of two things – one, my skill with this here crossbow, and two, my skill with the ladies. Amirite? Amirite?” He then pandered to the crowd, who all roared with approval. The ladies all screamed and a few of them threw their panties at The Great Willie Young, who just smiled and picked them up and stuffed them in his back pocket.

Gessler once again shook with rage. It was then that he noticed for the first time that The Great Willie Young had pulled out the second crossbow bolt. Gessler demanded to know why he had pulled out two bolts when he needed just one. The Great Willie Young responded by saying “If by some chance I missed and split that poor boy’s head open, I was gonna fire this second bolt straight up that skinny white ass of yours.” The crowd roared again, and several of them began to hoot and do that arm pumping thing that the crowd on Arsenio used to do.

Gessler let out a steady stream of German swearwords again and told his men to bind The Great Willie Young and bring him to the castle, where he would no doubt be executed. The people began to boo, but The Great Willie Young just told them all “Chill the fuck out, babies. Daddy’s got this shit.” He calmly allowed himself to be bound and was then taken away by Gessler’s men, who placed him on a ship that would take him across Lake Lucerne to the castle. (By the way, I know I said that The Great Willie Young earlier rode to the castle on his horse, which would seem to be impossible given the fact that he now had to be taken via ship, but let’s not forget that The Great Willie Young’s horse was fathered by Pegasus and could therefore fly. Also, you should be ashamed of yourself for questioning me and by extension The Great Willie Young.)

To the villagers all seemed lost, but just then a great storm rose up even though up until then the day had been sunny and mild. The Great Willie Young looked up from the deck of the ship and he smiled. Gessler’s soldiers began to panic as the storm worsened and The Great Willie Young calmly removed his own bonds while they desperately tended to the ship. He looked up into the eye of the storm and saw the smiling face of his old friend, Wu Pei. The Great Willie Young knew then that his old friend and father in law had returned to help him, just as he knew he would, by conjuring up a great storm. The Great Willie Young extended a mighty fist into the storm and Wu Pei extended a bolt of lightning, which struck The Great Willie Young’s fist. This cosmic fist bump not only cemented the friendship of the two immortals, but it also imbued The Great Willie Young’s fist with the fire of heaven. He proceeded to slay all of Gessler’s men with his Fist of Heavenly Fire and then he took command of the ship as the weather calmed and set sail for Gessler’s castle.

There, The Great Willie Young stormed through the gates, slaying several of the idiot Hapsburgs as he went. He kicked down Gessler’s door and stood before him, seething with righteous rage. It was said that Gessler defecated upon himself and fell to his knees, begging The Great Willie Young for forgiveness. The Great Willie Young reportedly stared straight into Gessler’s eyes and said “The Great Willie Young forgives you.” Gessler was said to have wept with relief. But The Great Willie Young was not finished. He pulled out his crossbow, and said “But the Great Willie Tell ain’t havin’ that shit.” Gessler’s eyes grew wide with fear as The Great Willie Tell raised his crossbow and then Gessler shit himself again as a bolt from the crossbow pierced his skull and exploded his brains all over the castle walls. (It would seem that The Great Willie Young had tipped his crossbow bolts with explosives because he was raw as fuck.)

The Great Willie Young then sailed back to his little Swiss village, where he was met as a conquering hero. There he explained to the awed villagers what had happened and they took heart, for they now knew that they could fight back against their Hapsburg overlords by following the example set by The Great Willie Young. And thus, the movement for Swiss independence was born. The Great Willie Young settled down for a while and fathered many more children, children who would go on to lead the Swiss against the Hapsburgs. But, like always, after a time, The Great Willie Young knew that he would have to move on. He made one last run through the village, boning all of the women and taking the time to finally learn the names of at least a few of his bastard children, before he disappeared in a great storm, a storm that was said to be conjured up by none other than The Somewhat Great Wu Pei. The Great Willie Young was gone, but his example remained. So too did his legend, which spread far and wide, and indeed, the name of William Tell became known throughout the world. And throughout Switzerland, he is remembered as the father of their independence, and as the literal forefather of 85% of their country.


Matt A said...

This is not really related to this post (which was great btw)but your posts the last few days have really been helping me cope with the emotional nut shot that was the last two weeks. I'm on the fence leaning towards checking out for the season due to fear that i can't afford all the jack daniels its going to cost to keep coping with all these heartbreaking losses. Throwing a little humor into the situation is taking the bite off a little bit and helping me focus in on the positives a little bit... thank dude.

Neil said...

Hey man, no problem. We're all in this together.