Manifest Westiny

Look, I am no naïve idiot. There is no such thing as a moral victory because ultimately morality is a made up fairy tale of emotion containment much like God and Science. So fuck feeling good about the Redskins losing to the Colts, and fuck feeling stoked about 3-3. I am a fan and will not be happy until we stomp through teams, 16-0, and concuss so many people out each and every game that the other teams actually refuse to play against us in the playoffs until the NFL changes the rules to make us not the most awesome fucking thing ever because the world is made of pussies and the Redskins are the only Real Men left. I mean, that’s the goal for all of us, isn’t it?
But yes, I did not feel so terribly depressed after the game. I did not want to kick my dog or wake up my wife to argue over something trivial. I was all like, “Well, we lost, but we were playing the cyborg hillbilly Manning, and were able to at least confuse his rapid computations enough so that he had to speed up his processing faster than ever before, and a few breaks a different way and we would have won.” I can at least feel good about this team’s overall direction psychologically, as opposed to most recent years where after games I would drive around with my .22 Magnum sitting on the passenger seat, swerving through unpainted back roads, looking for people wearing Cowboys gear to pistol whip for living in rural Virginia and being a cocksucking Cowboys fan. (Side note: I never wrote about getting in an actual fistfight a few weeks back with a construction worker whose hard hat was one of those mock football helmet styles of the Cowboys. Not much came of it really – after I hit him with a piece of pipe from behind and he didn’t go down completely, we sort of clutched and punched, which never gives you enough open space to get a good solid ‘bow in on somebody, and then his construction worker friends broke it up, but they are construction workers so nobody wanted to press charges or even call the cops, and a dent in the back of his head was probably equivalent to him tearing up my nice yellow dress shirt and me having to go back to work like that. After the Cowboys self-imploded, I never felt like writing about it.)
Anyways, when you look at the NFL standings in one of those windows with like 39 different categories of W-L stats, there is one very beautiful sight, even if it is after a 3-3 overall record and we are floating in the bottom half of the NFC East with those aforementioned cocksucking Cowboys – it is a big fat 2-0 in the divisional record column. And when one beady-eyed Michael Landon Shanahan came into D.C., the first thing he emphasized to his locker room was kicking the asses of divisional rivals first, everything else second. The very simple thinking behind this is you fuck up your rivals and punk them out, you naturally will be near the top of your division once the smoke clears, thus, you stand a good chance at the playoffs, even if you are a somewhat flawed team. This is a philosophy common amongst the West division teams and allows the Chargers to not really try too hard most of the regular season or the 49ers to be 1-5, and both still legitimate playoff threats. You do not have to beat the league, just your division.
So with this in mind, let us review the NFC East division, and where this somewhat flawed and even steven 3-3 Redskins team stacks up to them – one-on-one.
THE COWBOYS – Well, even if it was on a holding call at the end of the game, we beat them once this year, and they are fucking ridiculous. Like seriously, the wheels have completely come off that Super Bowl bandwagon. They have two penalties for excessive celebrations and only one win. They seem to be stuck in the normal Redskins mode of “we have the talent, more than anybody, so we should be winning, but I do not know why we are not, most likely it is us just not letting ourselves win because dude, we’re totally more awesome than everybody else so we can’t possibly keep losing.” It is great to see that mentality so deeply entrenched in Dallas, and also that Jerry Jones has the same risk in finding an actual philosophy-shifting head coach that Dan Snyder had – namely they are both overbearing dickheads who will interfere at any opportunity they can. So, for this year at least, I will write the Cowboys off as a non-credible threat, even though they’ve only played one division game thus far, and that was on the road.
THE EAGLES – Also lost to us, but at home, in a physical ass-kicking Meat and Potatoes game that we barely won. Still though, scoreboard you drunk fucking philly degenerates. Plus we killed Mike Vick for a few weeks, which creates more QB controversy for Chinese buffet master Andy Reid to be all, “I’m a happy man, I got 2 good quarterbacks, and my son hasn’t done crack for three months straight!” I am not afeared of this Eagles team, especially when we stole one from them on the road, although they have a grand tradition of stealing ones from us at Jack Kent Cooke Stadium as well.
THE GIANTS – This is the conundrum, because Tom Coughlin has been a practitioner of this “fuck the world, beat up your division” mentality for a number of years in NYC by way of NJ. And they haven’t had a divisional game yet this year, yet have broken off a positive 4-2 record even though they’ve played mediocrely with a few flashes of destroying motherfuckers (poor poor Jay Cutler… he finally comes back from getting brain damaged by the Giants, and has to look across the field at Laron Landry drooling down his face mumbling war chants while staring intently like a red laser sight on a sniper rifle). The true key to the Redskins season will be to use what they learned trying to keep up with the cyborg hillbilly Manning brother of last week, and use him beating them as motivation, so that when they face the non-cyborg big city hick Manning against the Giants, we can paralyze him with a couple of well-placed $25,000 fine hits on that ass. This is key. Being he does not have the cyborg implants in his brain like his older “brother,” jarring hits will, you know, jar him, which etymologically means like you put a brain in a jar and shook it around. That’s not good for brains, but it is good for defenses.
And let’s be honest, what with the hard hits being the trend of the moment in NFL babbletalk, being able to legitimately give opposing players concussions is going to be a valuable commodity on any defense. This makes Laron Landry a key player this year, although his increasing reputation will probably start to draw him unnecessary fines in the coming weeks. But the simple fact of the matter is, as hodgepodge as this Redskins team is, Mike Shanahan has already dumped a few precocious draft picks and kept on some high profile blue collar “what’s that guy doing in the NFL”ers and given this team a Punch-a-Motherfucker-in-the-Jaw mentality, just barely. It is a good start. And we are really just a couple of punches to that motherfucker named Eli Manning’s jaw from taking a shaky stance atop the NFC East. From there, you make the appropriate changes to your flawed team to maintain that spot, simply against the three divisional rivals – the cocksuckers from Dallas and the degenerate common law wifebeaters from Philadelphia and that team from New Jersey whose fanbase sweats Italian sausage grease – and then fuck the rest of the league, you’re set.
Of course, we have two roads games against the sub-par NFC North coming up, which in a righted world, we would simply chloroform and skullfuck both the Bears and the Lions, but the NFL wants parity and encourages equality so that pussy franchises are allowed to have equal footing with teams made of Real Men. So in two weeks, I may be riding around looking to drunkenly pistol whip people, yet again.