Monday, November 1, 2010

2010 Bears Bye-Week Brainstorming Bonanza, Part One

Lake Forest, Illinois: After a shaky start with a deceiving 4-3 record, the Chicago Bears head into an off-week with the future filled with uncertainty. Deep within the recesses of Halas Hall, head coach Lovie Smith and the rest of the Bears' brain trust are seeking ways to salvage the season, and in the process, perhaps save their very professional careers...

Head Coach Lovie Smith: Well, gentlemen, I feel that we're close, and we're not quite there yet, but we're getting better. Our first order of business is the running game. The fans and media have been complaining that we simply haven't been running the ball often enough. What plan do we have in place to fix this, Mike?

Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz: Well, it's simple, really. All we have to do is tell them that we plan to run the ball more, and the problem goes away.

Lovie: But are we going to do anything differently within the running game itself? Have you come up with some new plays, or are you going to let Taylor have the ball more often?

Martz: Oh sweet Christ, no! Are you mad!? That's not part of the plan. The only way to fix the problems we've been having in the running game is to run more passing plays. It all pretty obvious, really: If you no longer actually have a running game, then there's no way the running game can be a problem anymore! Genius!

Special Teams Coach Dave Toub: Well, um... Not to be speaking out of turn here or anything, but do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, Jay's been getting killed out there lately, and it's really starting to have an effect on him. If anything, we should try figuring out a way to run the ball more, maybe get both backs involved, and -

Martz: SILENCE! Who are you, a lowly special teams coach, to question the brilliance of my plan? My offensive strategies won a Super Bowl!

Toub: With the 49ers or the Lions?

Martz: (silently seethes with intense, furious rage)

Toub: Look, I'm not trying to start any trouble here, all I'm saying is that if we're going to start winning games for reasons other than the referees or the other team being the Cowboys, we're going to have actually start doing things differently than the way we do them now. We need to run the ball more, shorten up the pass routes, make the blocking schemes a little simpler for all the first and second-year linemen we have out there, maybe try and get Olsen involved a little more - He is pretty much our biggest receiving threat, you know.

Martz: But... He's a tight end. I will not have my system, my glorious device of genius, sullied by one such as he. Listen to me: you're a special teams coach. All you know about are slow, white linebackers and wide receivers who can't catch. Your phase of the game is like the Special Olympics of football, where all the club-footed retards slam into each other, and the brain-dead fools in the stands give them an A for effort. You don't know about the things I know about. You don't know offense. You don't know about tight ends. Filthy, dirty tight ends with their... hands, and their faces. Their horrible, mongrel Satanic faces. If it were up to me, they would all be killed. And if anything, we need to make the pass routes longer! We should have Cutler taking fourteen step drops to throw his perfect spirals into the hands of my receivers who will catch the ball 178 yards down field! Huge passing plays, momentous passes that will shock and awe all who see them! When Cutler completes his first one-thousand yard pass, it will be a forever-standing monument to my glory, and finally, the world will know that I'm right! And if I'm right, it only means one thing: You're wrong. Fuck you, Toub.

Lovie: Alright now, we all just need to settle down here, before things get out of hand. Let's just move on to the defense for a minute. Personally, I think the defense has been outstanding, and the boys have been making a lot of big plays out there. What do you think, coach?

Defensive Coordinator Rod Marinelli: Personally, I think the defense has been outstanding, and the boys have been making a lot of big plays out there.

Lovie: Well, that's excellent. I know from what I've seen out there, the linebacker play has been exceptional.

Marinelli: From what I've seen out there, the linebacker play has been exceptional.

Lovie: Well, alright. I guess that about wraps it up for the defense, if there aren't any problems on that side of the ball.

Marinelli: That about wraps it up for the defense. There aren't any problems on that side of the ball.

Toub: Seriously? That's it? I mean, I know they're doing alright, but you heard what that Seattle receiver was saying after they beat us, didn't you? Our defense is too predictable, and the other teams know it now. We've got to come up with some new schemes, maybe play a little more physical with the corner backs, like lining them up closer to the line, or -

Lovie: Oh... Oh, no.... Oh no, we mustn't do that... No, no, no...

Marinelli: No. We mustn't do that.

Toub: What? I don't see what the harm is in throwing the offense something they've never seen us do before. All I'm saying is that we might -

General Manager Jerry Angelo: Uh... Seriously, Toub. This isn't a good idea. If you keep heading in the direction I think you're heading, we're all going to have nothing but trouble.

Lovie: No. Mustn't head in that direction. Any direction but that. No...

Toub: I'm just trying to help! All I was gonna say is that maybe - just maybe, we should think about...

Angelo: Oh dear sweet lord, not again...

Toub: ...maybe running something other than the same old Tampa Two defense.


Angelo: Oh god damn it, Toub. God fucking damn it.

Toub: What the hell is he talking about!? Precious!?

Lovie: No, master! Musn't do it! Mustn't hurt the Precious! AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Marinelli: Mustn't hurt the precious. Argh.

Angelo: Jesus fucking Christ, Toub! Now you've done it! He'll be like this for hours! Why do you always pull this bullshit? First with Martz, and now with Coach Smith! All you ever do is cause trouble!

Toub: Oh come on! Despite what those two maniacs will tell you, there's nothing wrong with making an adjustment every now and then.

Marinelli: Nothing wrong with making an.... ad... just... m... ment? ERROR! ERROR! WORD NOT FOUND! ERROR! ERROR! WORD NOT FOUND! DOES NOT COMPUTE! WORD NOT FRRRaarrblwjekrfhsjcxkjbngvjbngv *pop*

Angelo: Uh. Oh, that's nothing, nothing to see there. Just, uhhh... Let's just not pay any attention to that at all, and uhh... So, Brett Favre's dick, am I right?

Toub: What the holy fuck is that? Is he dead!? Is that tape coming out of his back!? What in the name of Holy God have you done!?

Lovie: MY PRECCIIIOOOOUSSSSSS! (runs to the corner of the room and begins rocking back and forth in the fetal position, quietly sobbing)

Angelo: Well, that's uh... You see... Look, Coach Marinelli's going to be going offline - uh, I mean taking a leave of absence for a while. Actually knew this was coming. Totally knew it was going to happen. For real. In fact, I'd like you to meet our new interim defensive coordinator!

(Angelo jumps up from the table and quickly sprints into the next room. While he's away, the other coaches marvel at what they can only assume is the ghastly, open-eyed corpse of Rod Marinelli, until Coach Toub reaches under his shirt and removes what proves to be a broken, unraveled cassette tape with the words "COVER 2 DEFENCE" (sic) written on it. But before they can react to this discovery, Jerry Angelo runs back in, and produces to the astonished coaches a large parrot.)

Angelo: And here is is! This is Sancho, a gold and blue Macaw that we've painstakingly trained to execute Lovie Smith's defensive commands to utmost perfection!


Angelo: That's right, Coach Sancho! (gives him a cracker) Oh, that's a good little defensive coordinator! Oh yes, he is!

Toub: What the fuck, Angelo? Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

Angelo: Oh, don't be so hasty to judge Coach Sancho! He knows everything Marinelli knew and more! and look at him, he's adorable. And blue and gold is really close to blue and orange, so it totally works!




Neil said...

You are the wind beneath my wings, dear friend.

Andrew TSKS said...

Excellent, excellent work. I commend you.

Whiouxsie said...

That was laugh out loud funny, excellent stuff.