The Redskins Sunday night victory over the Cowboys was not exactly something to watch over and over again as a classic Redskins moment, but still, it was a brutally painful win over the most hated of all rivals on the grand stage of Sunday night football, so I complain not even a little bit. The team looked good as fuck, stylishly, in the burgundy and gold combo that they haven't kicked since the late '70s when I was a little asshole in a rural Virginia shithole called Rice and all we had was a black-and-white TV. No shit, those days existed. That old school shit looked good in living color on my new-fangled bullshit that takes up half the living room nowadays, and I made my dogs want to bite me I was being so crazy at the end of both halves. Still though, nothing really blew me away or made me feel like I should start clearing my Sundays in January off the calendar or anything, so I remain tight on the metascience scale of 5 degrees positive/2 degrees negative - ever hopeful, yet wary of the normal Snyder era smoke-and-mirror illusions of grandeur. But here's this week metaphysical analysizing...
FIFTH DEGREE POSITIVE: LB Brian Orakpo. Sitting on the couch, I told my wife that is she were to get me a Redskins jersey, I'd want it to be a #98. She won't though, because we used up her birthday tattoo money from this past year to pay two months' worth of electric bills before a cutoff. This means we are a broke ass family, juggling and struggling and barely keeping it all together. When I see some dude wearing one of those authentic jerseys with the stitched letters and numbers and all, I think to myself hateful thoughts and hope for class war/race war/end times to explode across America. Although I do hope they keep having the NFL even after western civilization disintegrates. It would actually probably be better with less regulation from corporate overlords.
Regarding Orakpo, although he did not paralyze Tony Romo as I would have wanted, he made Alex Barron look like a chump the entire game, which is why holmes was called for holding at the end of the game. That was as much Orakpo being awesome as it was Barron being a piece of shit pro offensive lineman.
FOURTH DEGREE POSITIVE: LB London Fletcher. The old man is still hustling, and sets the tone on defense on every play. If even a little of Fletcher's attitude was miraculously dripped into Albert Haynesworth's DNA, you'd have a super beast defensive player of the decade. Instead we have an overpaid malcontent, standard for the Snyder era, which makes me really question how they accidentally not only brought London Fletcher in as a free agent, but have kept him around for so long. It doesn't follow the normal modus operandi.
THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: K Graham Gano. Kickers are weird, superstitious faggots usually. For the Redskins to act like they were gonna punt and then hustle the kicker out there on that 49 yard kick, and then have the guy actually make it, that's clutch for this team. Usually any time they show a graphic like Teams With Most Kickers or Starting QBs or Head Coaches since 1999 or 1997 or whatever, the Redskins are always at the top, probably because all of those things require making sound football decisions and sticking with them.
SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: WR Santana Moss. I have taken Santana Moss for granted forever, mostly because he annoys me with his celebrating all the time, and he's short as fuck. I do not like superstar pro athletes to be half a foot shorter than me. It does not compute. Still, Moss was getting open every time he needed to on Sunday night, and helped keep many ultimately fruitless drives going, which ate up just enough clock for us to eke out the victory in the end.
I ran out of room without finding a place for Clinton Portis, so I'll make mention of him here with his U. of Miami brother Santana. Portis may not have made a lot of noise yards-wise, but that dude is a brutarian in the backfield. You don't see too many smashmouth RBs. It makes me sad that the previous regime did not see fit to draft a speedy young back to fall under the wing and tutelage of both Portis and FB Mike Sellers. Having half insane veteran dudes like that to bring a guy up, to teach him how to punch LBs in the face, how to pick out wacky sunglasses for TV appearances, how to get strippers to have abortions without paternity suits, how to be the consummate NFL professional in the year 2010, that would be a passing of the torch you could be proud of. This also is a sign of the ultimate weakness of this 2010 Redskins team - that no matter how great a miracle worker Mike Shanahan is, he's not exactly cooking dinner with a well-stocked pantry.
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: S Laron Landry. Landry suffers from Santana Mossosis (celebrating too much, and even for shit that really isn't all that special, like stopping a guy after an 8 yard gain). But he was a headhunter out there and is looking to concuss motherfuckers every single snap. With the new concussion rules in the NFL, this will be invaluable through the course of the year.
Still though, watching Landry lurk and attempt to decapitate people, it makes me pine for the days of Sean Taylor. That guy was a true headhunter, and didn't need to flex afterwards. The little birds flying around the other dude's head on screen were all the flexing he needed. I almost feel bad for Landry having to play in Taylor's shadow, because no matter how great he ends up being in this new Jim Haslet defense, he will never be the Manimal that Sean Taylor was.
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: QB Donovan McNabb. There has never been a more medium QB, ever. They did a sideline shot of McNabb one time, and he looked like he was either stoned or about to fall asleep in algebra class or something. And they held the camera shot for like five seconds, and dude never even blinked, just sat there slouched like a Robert Crumb drawing come to life. They need to get McNabb addicted to cocaine and white women or something, draw some adrenaline out of this dude.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: WR Malcolm Kelly. Seeing Dez Bryant's influence on the Cowboys offense his first game in the NFL reminded me of just what a useless piece of shit Malcolm Kelly has been. I do not understand why he was put on IR for the year. Three years in, nothing to show for it, just cut the dude and stop signing checks to his stupid ass. I guess maybe he and Trent Williams are homeboys from college though, so maybe they kept him around to be part of Williams' entourage.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: P Josh Bidwell. Worst punter sequence ever was Bidwell flubbing up the snap on a field goal (yeah, it was a little high, but come one man), and then him booting a wonderful barely 37-yard punt out of the Skins own end zone. Is Matt Turk still alive? Wasn't Hunter the Punter supposed to solve our punting woes? Didn't Cerrato actually draft a punter? Fucking punters. Just go sign like three Australian rules football dudes to the practice squad and let them battle it out in drunken fights and super-long football punting contests in the parking lot with Chris Cooley and Clinton Portis chasing them on 4-wheelers until one comes out on top. That can't be worse.
Season-to-date totals: LB London Fletcher (+9), LB Brian Orakpo (+8), RB Clinton Portis (+4), K Graham Gano (+3), WR Santana Moss (+2), WR Anthony Armstrong (+2), head coach Mike Shanahan (+1), S Laron Landry (+1), QB Donovan McNabb (even), WR Malcolm Kelly (-1), DT Albert Haynesworth (-1), P Josh Bidwell (-2), owner Dan Snyder (-2).
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