2010 WEEK MINUS THREE: Discouragement.

IT BEGINS.

(Also, why is Josh Beekman headed the other way? Did he leave the oven on or something?)

So. A week or so ago, it was time to just cancel the season because of the Bears' terrible offensive line. They paved the way for absolutely no running game and the crucifixion of Caleb Hanie, and shit was awful. But you know, that first game wasn't a normal situation. Ron Rivera is the defensive coordinator there, and if you've forgotten, he had the same job with the Bears before Lovie Smith went all retardo on us and fired him and any other worthwhile coach we had at the time, so he could hire random dudes he used to hang out with instead. Well, I guess this stuck in Rivera's craw pretty bad, because instead of the normal "just keep it simple and don't show anything that can be used against us in game films during the real season" defense that the preseason normally has, that fucker cried havoc and blitzed the shit out of a team that was determined to stay vanilla regardless. So I'm willing now to allow for the possibility that the Chargers game was a fluke. And in Saturday's imaginary home opener against the Raiders, I got a burst of hope and a ray of sunshine into my world when Matt Forte busted out with an 89-yard touchdown run.

And then, Chris Williams gave up four sacks.

He gave up four sacks. In two quarters. To Kamerion Wimbley, of all people, a man whose main claim to fame right now is that he somehow managed to be disappointing for three years in Cleveland, a football town so downtrodden that a player simply making it to the huddle without tripping over his own feet fills the crowd with hope for their new future All-Pro. And you know, if it was anyone other than Williams, it would be almost okay. I mean, Olin Kreutz is a hundred years old, Roberto Garza and Lance Louis probably wouldn't end up on most other teams' final rosters, and Frank Omiyale is just lucky to not have died last season in a bizarre incident where he missed his block so hard that it broke his own neck and killed him on the field. But Williams was supposed to be the dude, probably the only lineman I had any hope for this year. The first round pick, the Chosen One, the dude who wiped out Jared Allen in that second Vikings game last year. And now, he's giving up four sacks in one half of one game to a dude who only had six and a half in sixteen full games last year. And I know, preseason is meaningless, but Jesus, it's not like the coaches go, "hey Chris, just let 'em go by a few times, so they'll think you're soft when the real games start." This is a severe problem, and dark times are ahead if Holmes can't get it together. For the love of God, don't make me have to watch Todd Collins start a game this year.

OTHER CRAP:

Matt Forte - That dude had an 89-yard run, and according to the Bears radio dude, that would have been the longest regular-season run in Bears history. So even with the non-help he's been getting up front, I'm actually hopeful that he's returned to '08 form, or maybe even better, and things might not be so awful as the were last year. But shit, if I'm gonna be optimistic, I'm gonna go all the way with it. Check it - Right now, Forte is averaging 12.9 yards per carry. What's that you say? Most of his yards came on one run? Well, SHUT UP. Shut your dirty mouth, little man. I'm not going to dress you down anymore, out of respect for your father. We're done. But yeah, 12.9 yards per carry. Seriously. So think about this: He ran the ball 258 times last year, and that means that at his current pace, he's set to rush for over three-thousand yards this season alone. I have seen the future, and his name is Matt Forte.

And he's come back to our time to kill John Connor.

Dan LeFevour - Jesus Flipping Shit, this dude is like my ultimate terror of the 2010 season. Because there is an ever-so-slight chance that this dude will make the team, and with a five-man version of the Three Stooges up front blocking, (maybe a bad example, as the traditional Stooge lineup with Shemp and both Joes added would probably kind of own) there's a pretty good chance that he'd actually get on the field at some point, once Jay Cutler, Caleb Hanie, and scrap-heap pickup Todd Collins all had too many bones sticking through their skin to keep playing. But this guy LeFevour, man, this guy right here is terrible, and if he keeps getting any worse, he'll be the first NFL player to ever have more incomplete passes than total pass attempts. Terrible. But I guess it is somehow encouraging that Jerry Angelo's small-school total reach draft picks are happening in later rounds now. But even after only wasting a sixth-round pick on this dude, it is pretty disappointing, after months of hearing how this dude was just like Tim Tebow, but without the hype since he didn't go to Florida or whatever.
And man, on the subject of that guy, I'm still not completely sold on the idea of him as this complete golden boy, doe-eyed Christ-child-in-cleats that they picture him as. Because what with every other sports blog besides this one being staffed by thirty-six year-old virgins, the entire internet filled up with pictures of that dude's girlfriend when her existence became known, and for real, nobody as pure of heart and clean of mind as that dude supposedly is would have a ladyfriend who had been that heavily implanted. There ain't nobody who ever had a plastic surgeon on speed dial that ever waited until marriage, so that means one of two things: Either Tim Tebow isn't the Christian Soldier he's supposed to be, and we're just counting down the days until his underground baby-prostitute ring gets exposed, or he really is that saintly, and one of these days, that harlot is going to break his heart. His pure, innocent, big, meaty, delicious heart.
But yeah, anyway, Dan LeFevour sucks bad enough that it made me feel good about the team picking up Todd Collins. Roll that around in your head for a while.

Julius Peppers - Ohhhhhh shiiiiiitttt, son. All offseason, we've been hearing coaches, teammates and team insiders (whatever that means) going on and on about this dude being pretty much unstoppable, and you had to take that with a grain of salt, since he was usually going up against dudes who back up dudes who make up what might be the league's worst offensive line. But Saturday, against actual starters for an actual NFL team that might be seriously contending for second or third place in their division, he looked like this might be the an extremly rare case of a Bears' offseason power move not ending in bitter disappointment. I know, getting my hopes up will jinx the shit out everything, but god dammit, I am pretty much dying to be positive about this potential disaster of a year, at this point. So I am fully throwing my support behind Julius Peppers and his ongoing war against quarterbacks, running backs, the weak, and all else who oppose him. For although His wrath is terrible, it is all we can do to stand behind our cruel master, lest it be directed at us. Because the path of the nonbeliever is the path of pain, and indeed pain shall be the purification of all who oppose His might. For He is the Überklaw, and this world and all its spoils shall soon belong to Him. ALL HAIL ÜBERKLAW! ALL HAIL ÜBERKLAW! ALL HAIL ÜBERKLAW!