A mockery of a MOCK DRAFT

We here at Armchair Linebacker play by one simple rule: WRITE ABOUT YOUR OWN TEAM, ASSHOLE. Most of us can deal with that. When someone can't accept that rule they leave, headed off to parts unknown so they can continue to poison others with their paragraphs. I am about to break our golden rule, and I can only hope that my brothers here will forgive me...

The NFL Draft used to be a good way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Now it has become an enormous, hideous tranny-on-tranny gang bang. You have self proclaimed experts who worship fake sciences like punter formulas that literally trip over themselves while scrambling to their computer to update their mock drafts because Mel Kiper or some other fuck head has determined that Player A is a good better fit for Team A than Player B is but they still might take Player C because it fills a need. Enough already. This is the only mock draft you'll ever need to read. I've done none of the thinking for you because, honestly, you shouldn't be thinking about it in the first place. We have literally no clue how any of these guys are going to turn out so let's all shut the hell up about it already.

#1
ST. LOUIS RAMS- SOME ASSHOLE

As evidenced by them drafting in the #1 spot, the Rams are a shitty team with lots of shitty players. They need good players. They'll draft SOMEONE in this spot and he may or may not be good. But one thing will be certain: he will be really rich.

#2
DETROIT LIONS- SOME ASSHOLE

Detroit only finished one spot higher than the Rams, which is evidence that they also are a shitty team. To avoid drafting in this spot again next year they will need to get better players at positions on the team. They can draft one of many positions because they have many positions of need.

#3
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS- SOME ASSHOLE
Tampa Bay is a team that used to be good but is now shitty. They want to be good again. They want to draft a player that will help them be good again. They are several players away from returning to the playoffs, so they really would like to draft one of those players in this spot.

#4
WASHINGTON REDSKINS- SOME ASSHOLE WHO PROBABLY ISN'T A QB
Like Tampa Bay, the Redskins were good at one time. Now they are not. They need help. They probably won't draft a QB because they just traded for one. They want to be good again.

#5
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Chiefs haven't been good lately. They're looking to get better. They'll pick someone here who they think can help them do that.

#6
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Seahawks have a new coach. He wants to win. They'll draft someone who their scouts and GM think will contribute to that.

#7
CLEVELAND BROWNS- SOME ASSHOLE
There used to be a team in Cleveland called "THE BROWNS". They played there for a hella long time. Their owner was a dick, so he moved them to Baltimore and changed their name to "THE RAVENS". The NFL gave Cleveland a brand new team that they named "THE BROWNS". The new version of "THE BROWNS" sucks and needs better players. They'll pick one here.

#8
OAKLAND RAIDERS- SOME ASSHOLE WHO RUNS FAST
Oakland is run by an old, old man who is crazy. He drafts whoever the dark spirits that keep his 2,000 year old body alive tell him to draft. Usually it's someone who runs fast and isn't good at football or is a really fat and throws a football really far.

#9
BUFFALO BILLS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Bills used to lose the Super Bowl each year. Now they can't even count on that. They need to draft someone who will help them get back to the glory days.

#10
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS- SOME ASSHOLE, PROBABLY TIM TEBOW
The Jaguars fans hate the team and love Tim Tebow. He may or may not end up being a good football player. Some people say he will. However, others say he won't. In the end he might or might not pan out. One thing you can absolutely bank on: The Jags will pick SOMEONE in this spot.

#11
DENVER BRONCOS (VIA CHICAGO BEARS)- SOME ASSHOLE
Last year, the Broncos got this pick by trading a QB with diabetes to the Bears. The Bears lost more games than they won last year, so the pick ended up in this spot. The Broncos aren't good right now and will look to make their team better by drafting someone here.

#12
MIAMI DOLPHINS- SOME ASSHOLE
After not being good for a while the Dolphins got better for a year, then got worse again. They want to get back to where they were that one year where they were better. This pick might or might not help them do just that.

#13
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS- SOME ASSHOLE
Ever since they stopped winning Super Bowls, the 49ers have been trying to get back to winning Super Bowls. They need to draft someone here who can help them win Super Bowls.

#14
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (VIA DENVER BRONCOS)- SOME OTHER ASSHOLE
The Broncos traded this pick the Seahawks, so now the Seahawks will use that pick to select a player that their new coach thinks can help them win. Did I mention they have a new coach?

#15
NEW YORK GIANTS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Giants didn't make the playoffs last year. Now they want to go back to the playoffs. They need to select a player who will help them go back to the playoffs.

#16
TENNESSEE TITANS- SOME ASSHOLE
Last year the Titans started out really shitty so they switched QBs and ended up only kinda shitty. They need to draft someone who will make them even less shitty.

#17
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (VIA CAROLINA PANTHERS)- SOME OTHER ASSHOLE
The Panthers were supposed to pick here, but a previous trade obligated them to give that pick to the 49ers. They will draft another player here.

#18
PITTSBURGH STEELERS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Steelers have an asshole already playing QB, but he's been behaving like an asshole quite a bit and they may look to draft another asshole to play QB. Or maybe they'll draft an asshole to play another position. Who knows?


#19
ATLANTA FALCONS- SOME ASSHOLE
There is much debate about this pick. Mel Kiper Jr. thinks they'll take one specific asshole, while Todd McShay thinks they'll take another asshole who fits their needs more. I, personally, think they're going to draft a third, less heralded asshole in this spot.

#20
HOUSTON TEXANS- SOME ASSHOLE
Years ago the Houston Texans weren't a team. Now they are, and they're drafting in this spot. They want to go to the playoffs because that's what teams are supposed to do. Look for them to pick the player that they think gives them the best chance to do just that.

#21
CINCINNATI BENGALS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Bengals made the playoffs but were out in the first round. They want to do better than that and need to find another asshole to plug into their vast collection of assholes and try to get over the hump.

#22
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Patriots have a long, rich history of drafting assholes. They pride themselves on their homegrown assholes, and their asshole head coach has a penchant for drafting the perfect assholes to execute their asshole game plan.

#23
GREEN BAY PACKERS- SOME ASSHOLE
For years the Packers were held hostage by an aging asshole QB. He now plays for their division rival, and the asshole they replaced him with is a good player. They need to surround that asshole with other assholes so they can win playoff games.

#24
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES- SOME ASSHOLE
The Eagles traded their long time franchise asshole QB in order to go with a young, hot shot asshole QB. The Eagles asshole fans are nervous about what this pick is going to be used on as they have a need for assholes pretty much across the board.

#25
BALTIMORE RAVENS- SOME ASSHOLE
It's going to be interesting to see what Baltimore does here. Last year they drafted an asshole who had a movie made about him. This year they might look to address other needs.

#26
ARIZONA CARDINALS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Cards are in a state of flux as their asshole QB and field general finally hung up his cleats. Their heir apparent asshole now has to prove that's he's for real and not just another failed asshole to come out of renowned asshole factory, U.S.C.

#27
DALLAS COWBOYS- SOME ASSHOLE
The Cowboys have a really big stadium and are owned by a cantankerous old asshole who runs every aspect of the team. He has very specific things he looks into before drafting an asshole and he makes sure that every single asshole who puts on a Cowboys uniform knows what an honor it is to be a Cowboy.

#28
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
The Chargers are coached by a pock faced dip shit, and they manage to win in spite of his ineptitude. The team is put together by a huge douche bag who has made as many bad decisions as he has good ones. There will be a lot of arguing about which asshole the dip shit and douche bag want to draft here, but something tells me the dip shit won't get his way. Everyone knows that douche bag trumps dip shit.

#29
NEW YORK JETS
The J-E-T-S were lead last year by a young asshole QB who didn't know he was too young to take his team to the AFC Championship Game last year. They added an asshole WR to their offensive attack and will probably spend this pick filling a need for an asshole elsewhere.

#30
MINNESOTA VIKINGS- SOME ASSHOLE
Last year the Vikings made a bold gamble by hinging their hopes on the arm of an old gray bearded asshole. It almost paid off. They might use this pick to bring in an asshole to take over for him sooner or later.

#31
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS- SOME ASSHOLE
Colts fans and management alike were dismayed when their asshole QB failed to deliver a second Super Bowl win last year. The holes in the team were exposed and the need for fresh assholes at various positions is glaring. The question is this: Can the Colts find an impact asshole this late in the 1st round? It wouldn't be the first time if they did...

#32
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS- SOME LUCKY ASSHOLE
There was a big hurricane that screwed shit up really bad for a bunch of people, so now America loves the Saints. Their merry band of assholes shocked the world by winning the Super Bowl last year and are looking to repeat. Some lucky asshole is going to get to play for the world champs in a city where chicks show their tits and they still sacrifice virgins.