Thursday, October 15, 2009

Dan Snyder's Fantasy Coaching Search

It is obvious to anyone at all that Jim Zorn is coaching on borrowed time, maybe till the end of the year, but more likely up until the day after the Redskins Monday night game against the Eagles right before their bye week. And of course all the big name coaches in want of a job are being tossed about, nonsensically for the most part, so let me walk you through this whole ordeal of egocentric head coaching candidates.
MIKE SHANAHAN - Apparently has been contacted multiple times by Mr. Snyder already and turned down the possibility of the job twice. Personally, I hate Mike Shanahan, and would hate to see that overrated piece of shit coach here. But he wouldn't anyways, as he wants to do it all again, like in Denver, and that wouldn't happen in D.C. Shanahan, for as full of shit as he is, is not stupid enough to think Dan Snyder wouldn't be all up in his way all the damned time.
BILL COWHER - Look, here is the deal with Bill Cowher. He is a happy motherfucker kicking it in North Cackalack with his family. The Carolina Panthers are basically the Steelers South, in philosophy and organization. Bill Cowher will not coach anywhere until the Panthers have a bad enough year to justify John Fox getting canned, to make room for Cowher. John Fox is a crafty ass dude though, so you may see Cowher on the boring as hell CBS pregame show for a few more years.
MIKE HOLMGREN - The Football Walrus, honestly, of all the famous people bandied about, could probably do the best job, as much as I hate to admit that. He made obscure ass Seattle halfway decent, which is on some Moses of Football level type shit right there. Also, let us not forget before he came to Green Bay, they were reminiscing over the late '60s for like 25 years. But Holmgren too is a little too smart to take a job where he's not going to have ultimate say in who is hired and who is not. On top of that, Zorny is his boy, and he's not gonna step over his boy's charred corpse to take a high-paying yet pretty shitty job, especially when someone else is probably out there waiting to hire him with a much better situation.
ANY HIGH PROFILE HOT SHOT COORDINATOR - They'd be a fool to take this job as their first gig, much like Jim Zorn was. It's a guaranteed loss, and two years at best under Snyder's meddling eyeballs does not make for the best coach's pension once no one else will hire you.
ANY HIGH PROFILE COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH - They'd be a fool to take this job as their first gig, much like Steve Spurrier was. It's a guaranteed loss, and two years at best under Snyder's meddling eyeballs does not make for the best resume highlights once you go back to the college coaching ranks.
JON GRUDEN - He proved in Oakland that he will eat shit from an owner. He also probably doesn't give a fuck if Snyder and Cerrato make all the player choices for him, as Gruden is one of the few dudes out there retarded enough to think he can swing in and whip a bunch of pansies into football fighting shape. In fact, he probably can convince himself that Washington would be a far superior job to Tampa Bay because Dan Snyder wants to waste money on expensive talent, and the missing ingredient all along has just been the proper intense coaching attitude. All of this is probably why the internet is telling me that, now, even though Zorny is still coach, Chucky is the leading candidate for a job that's not even available. And of course, the standard operating procedure is to have an interim coach and offseason regime change, but with the Monday night game coming right before the Redskins bye week, and Gruden cockily sitting in the Monday Night Football booth, do not be surprised at all if, once the Redskins lose by like 45 points to the Eagles on the road, that Snyder walks down to the sidelines with the dwindling last seconds left and take Zorny's headset in dramatic fashion, and during a post-game sideline interview with whatever slut covers ESPN NFL games now, Snyder announces Gruden as their new head coach, effective immediately.

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