Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Introducing the NEW BLOOD!

We here at Armchair Linebacker are committed to providing you with the finest pissing and moaning the internet can provide. After a pep talk from Uncle Raven I decided that there is simply so much more we can be doing here. As a result, I have scoured the globe to assemble a stable of emotionally imbalanced men to share their insights with you. Some of them you will love. Others, you will hate. Yet all of them share one common thread: They didn't want to go through 17 weeks of me bitching at them to contribute to our blog so they gave up immediately. Here they are in no meaningful order

Neil, Detroit Lions Contributor
In a day and age where people are known to talk out of their asses Neil is one of the last remaining straight shooters. He wears his long suffering Lions fandom not as a badge of honor, but rather as a cross, similar to the one his hero Jesus the Christ carried. Unlike Jesus, Neil will never fall victim to a Jew conspiracy. He is simply too sharp for that shit.

LB, Chicago Bears Co-Contributor
The Bears are a smoldering wreck of a former Super Bowl contestant. They feature two quarterbacks who have no business being on an NFL roster. They are coached by a man who is slowly losing his grip on reality. A wreck this size requires the attention of two men. LB has stepped forward to join Mavpa in bringing to life the tragic tale of a franchise in decline. 

PB, San Francisco 49ers Contributor
PB (no relation to LB) is a nice enough guy. He's from Nor Cal, like me. He's an A's fan, like me. He is of Hispanic origin, like, well, like my grandpa. On paper he should be my best friend, and would be were it not for the fact that he is a fucking goddamned 49ers fan. Fuck that guy. While I will no doubt take great joy in the fact that his team is going to be lead to the shitter by local ass hat JT O'Sullivan, at the end of the day he still has a mountain of Super Bowl rings and fond memories to relax on. 

Langsty, Atlanta Falcons Contributor
Langsty is one of God's special people. No, not the kind that Jerry Lewis has a telethon for each year. He is one of those rare individuals who seemingly doesn't give a shit about anything. Including football. He is a Falcons fan out of convenience more than anything, and that's fine. We had some great laughs during the Mike Vick trial and watching Bobby Petrino meltdown. We made jokes about Morton Andersen coming out retirement for the 46th time to kick field goals. And when his team dropped out of contention he simply moved on. He is a fickle whore, and possibly a felon of some sort. His contributing to this blog is part of his state mandated rehabilitation, so we welcome him with open arms.

Cox, Dallas Cowboys Contributor
Ol' Cox is the world's youngest old man. He drives a Prius. He is mild mannered. He goes to bed early (probably). He is a Cowboys fan despite living in Jersey. He has some half assed story about how he became a Cowboys fan, but I'll let him tell you that shit himself. He is an alright dude and I expect great things out of him.

We have a few more offers out there that we're waiting to hear from. Our goal of having at least one contributor for each team is inching closer to reality. As for all the other dudes who write here, well, you know them already, so fuck them. Let us welcome our new brothers in football to our humble abode.

1 comment:

Cox said...

Man I'm in bed at 2 AM every night - I loathe going to bed early.