Even if Ingle Martin had not signed with the Titans to be Vince Young's (Peace Be With Him) back up's back up, he would still be able to play professional football. In what has to be one of the worst business ventures since Crystal Pepsi, a group of businessmen and ex-sports types have started the AAFL.
In theory, that should be the "All-American Football League." I say in theory because, based on the rosters and the advertising for the start-up, it is more like the "Absolutely Awful Football League" or the "Amazingly Asinine Football League." Whatever two words start with A and combine to mean "very pointless or bad."
The AAFL is unapologetic in the fact that its sole purpose is to allow washed-up jocks to live in their glory days for a few more snaps. That is all it is there for. The PR campaign and the teams themselves are testaments to this fact, as each team is based on a major university. You have a Tennessee team that plays in Knoxville. You have a Michigan team that (I think) plays in the App State Pavilion in Ann Arbor. You have an Alabama team, etc. You also have a Florida team, so Ingle has a place to go when the Titans cut him during the second week of training camp.
Living in the capitol of the Gator Nation, I have been inundated with AAFL advertising. I went to the mailbox on Monday and found a nice 9x12 AAFL envelope addressed to Dr. Ron Beauregard. The only thing that refers to me as "Dr." is the UF Alumni Association mailing list, so this stupid league is evidently in league with the Univ. Athletic Assoc., which is just par for the course.
When I opened the envelope, I was greeted with an 8x11 glossy photo of a crowd of students bedecked in orange and blue in mid-gator-chomp emblazoned with the words "THE AAFL COMES TO FLORIDA" in 144 point type. In lower case at the bottom, we have "The Fun 'n Gun is Back!" It is as if, by some magical timewarp you, the Gator-maniac can go back to 2000. Before Steve Spurrier threw his visor down and stomped off to RFK. Before Football Genius nearly ran the program into the ground. Before the Great Resurrection. Before all that....you can go back there! It will be just like when you were in school!
Fucking gag. What kind of business plan is that? So I start reading the letter that accompanied this 8x11 photo:
"Dear Ron,
We are writing to you because we hope you love college football as much as we do and because we believe you may be one of the tens of thousands of University of Florida Alumni that have not been able to get good seats at Gator college football games in the fall." (italics theirs)
Jeff Fisher on a bicycle. Are you kidding me? The league's entire marketing scheme is really built on people who have never gotten over their college graduations? I'm instantly picturing 55 year old men with bad toupees trying to fit into their old Steve Spurrier throwback jerseys that they bought before they stopped working out and started hitting the Chinese buffet every other day. You know...the ones who show up at the frat house every homecoming to play beer pong and order the pledges to go streaking across sorority row even though that shit wasn't cool when you they it 25 years ago. Yeah....that is the target demographic of this league. People who are too poor to afford the outrageous athletic association booster dues that you have to pay for the right to enter the lottery to win the right to purchase a ticket. Those folks.
"If we are right, you (like us) have always dreaded this time of year - when the clock on the last bowl game shows 00:00, and the realization hits home that we are staring at almost eight months of weekends without college football.
Did they hire a high school newspaper staff to write this shit? Oh the horrors! No more Gator games? Life is not worth living!
I'll spare you the rest, but it goes on to say that their players all have college degrees and the marching bands will play Gator fight songs while such luminaries as Chris Leak (!!!!!!!???????), Travis McGriff, Chris Doering (straight from the local cable access show hyping his friends gym), Willie Jackson, Judd Davis, and Fred Weary put on the orange and blue and play again. You can also see Rod "He Hate Me" Smart play for Tennessee, and Eric "wasted draft pick" Crouch play for someone who isn't Nebraska. For our coach, we get ex-(insert NFL team) here QB, Shane Matthews. I've bumped into Shane Matthews at Publix twice in the past year and, no, he actually wasn't stocking the bread aisle.
What you can expect to pay for all of this is a mere $53 a game - so for $265 you can watch a bunch of NFL rejects play sub-par football while a faux Gator band plays that Paul Simon song and the guy brings the "Work Em Silly Gators" sign and hangs it off the SE corner of the away end zone.
The people who buy these tickets are the kind of people who went to 9th grade but went back to middle school after hours to try to hit on the 8th graders.
Worst idea in sports history. I'd rather watch the SF Demons play the LA X-Treme.
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