Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Jim Fassell? What the fuck...
You know, I have a newfound respect for how great Joe Gibbs actually did in his four-year stint, seeing Dan Snyder screw it all the fuck up in two-and-a-half weeks. I mean, we didn't win any Super Bowls, but Gibbs had me believing Dan Snyder was a rock solid owner who just wanted to win there for a couple of years. But now, with Gibbs out of the way, Snyder can go back to the meddling micro-managing piece of shit he is.
Thank God he gave Vinny Cerrato a new title as Executive whatever the fuck plus the dude I sit around laughing with over martinis and we have dinner with our wives but at night when I'm in the executive washroom it is Vinnny I think of as I masturbate my short rich man's feeble penis frantically. I mean, what better person to have a position of personnel authority greater than he already had than Cerrato. His resume is impeccable. He was the guy illegally paying players that caused Lou Holtz to get forced out of Notre Dame during their last true glory period. And he helped mismanage the salary cap situation in San Francisco well enough to completely undo the 20 years of greatness Bill Walsh had built up there. So I can see why Dan Snyder trusts his opinion so well to give him more power over the Redskins franchise. It makes even greater sense since he's still not actually a General Manager, but part of a triumvirate of dudes playing fantasy football with high-priced free agents along with Snyder and the head coach. Of course this also ruined Gregg Williams chances of becoming coach because Cerrato and him don't get along. I can see this though. Gregg Williams is a no-nonsense guy who did some straight up bro shit like have the team field 10 players on defense after Sean Taylor's murder, and won over the team with such straight uptitudes. Cerrato is a hookfaced fuckwad who has basically ridden Dan Snyder's jockstrap and moneyclip the past 9 years like a little cartoon dog running around a bigger dog going, "Yeah boss, that's right boss, you should get Deion boss, he's great boss, Bruce Smith boss, he's all-time sack leader boss, Adam Archuleta's great boss, you're right boss, Steve Spurrier will bring a much better spirit than Schottenheimer boss, what'dya wanna do now boss? Let's go fly your plane to Randle El's house boss and give him seventeen canvas bags with giant dollar bill signs boss. That's all we need boss and it's another Lombardi Trophy."
This leads us to Jim Fassell, who has been leaked as the next head coach and it might even be announced by the time the four of you get around to reading this. Jim Fassell. The illustrious Jim Fassell who got run out of New York after leading the Giants to a consistently underachieving middle-of-the-pack, but sometimes making the playoffs to lose ridiculously at some point, like blowing a 21 point lead against the 49ers. Oh yeah, after that though Fassell got signed on as offensive coordinator in Baltimore with his buddy Brian Billick, but he got fired from that too because he sucked, by his own good friend. So yeah, I'm sure he'll instill in the Redskins a much deeper mediocrity than they already have. Wilbon said in the Wash. Post today that you can pretty much pencil them in for 8-8 every year and you'd be close to perfect. I'd go ahead and drop that to 6-10 now that Fassell's on board.
I mean fuck, what would it have hurt to give Gregg Williams the one year that was left on Gibbs' contract, just to ride out what came together in the wake of Sean Taylor's death this year. Snyder has no qualms about firing a dude after a year, so if it didn't work at all, fuck it, cut Gregg Williams loose, but give this that has blossomed a chance to bear fruit. Don't just piss in his face after four interviews where you must've been looking for any reason to not hire him to bring in Fassel. I imagine they dug deep too, like, "Gregg, do you like hard boiled eggs in potato salad, because I hate them. Hard boiled eggs are not appetizing Gregg. How do you feel about hard boiled eggs in potato salad? What about spicy mustard?" One fucking year, that's all I ask for as a fan, and all the players wanted.
And now let's look at the dominos... Williams bolts because he's turned down other offers to stay here as the heir apparent to Gibbs, only to get shit on by Snyder. They are rumored to be trying to get Rex Ryan, who can't be all bad since he's Buddy Ryan's son, but he also isn't Gregg Williams, who I've grown to trust and admire as a Redskins fan. Skins are already reportedly talking to Jim Zorn - the Seahawks QB coach - to come in and replace Al Saunders as head of the offense. I mean, I had problems with Al Saunders, but at least he had a proven game plan that could be tailored eventually you'd hope to Jason Campbell a little better. Jim Zorn? Come the fuck on. You want to impress me and develop Jason Campbell with an offense led by aging and injured skill position players and an underling coach for an oftentime inept Seahawks offense?
What about the players? Every team leader who spoke up in the days after Gibbs resigned all said the same thing - hire Gregg Williams. Now I'm not one to think players make the decisions on a sports team, but after this past year and how the team gelled in a way almost no salary cap era football team has ever gelled in the NFL before, how the fuck do you ignore what THEY ALL FUCKING SAY to bring in some retread lacking any proven tread?
Sean Taylor's death was a blow against the Redskins, not only because of the incident, but they lost a defensive horse that would've been there for a while. But the Redskins team became the Redskins family and did some pretty good things to end the season on a positive note. It's that old cliche - a galvanizing event. Except now Snyder strips that all away. Chris Cooley and Chris Samuels - the Redskins lone Pro Bowlers this year - just announced they'd be wearing #21 jerseys in the game in Hawaii, in honor of Taylor. The players are still honoring their fallen teammate, and ownership has already moved on. That's gonna kill player loyalty. If you were Clinton Portis, why the fuck would you want to restructure your contract now to make salary cap room after what Snyder's done, basically pissing on the team effort in the wake of Sean Taylor's murder? I'd get on the little man's private plane and say, "Fuck you, either pay me or cut me." Which is what we're going to move back to - check cashers instead of Redskins who believe in the Redskins way, which somehow, through all his aging shortcomings, Joe Gibbs had them believing in again. Had me believing in it again, that even with Snyder as owner, we were moving in a grand direction.
Fuck drinking the Kool-Aid all supposed dedicated fans are supposed to drink. I was a Redskins fan as a kid the same time Dan Snyder was. He's only 8 or so years older than me, so I don't have to respect him as an owner of the Redskins. I love them as much as he does, and I've never done anything to fuck them up like he has, from the moment he dropped the name Jack Kent Cooke Stadium, even though Cooke built that thing largely with his own money. Fuck a Dan Snyder because I realize he is young, and wealthy as fuck, which means he has things I don't - like health insurance and a longer lifespan due to a more sheltered life from regular dude overdue bill stress that eats up stupid fucks like me. This means Snyder will, in all likelihood, be the owner of the Redskins for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE. And he has done nothing but fuck up the Redskins from within his entire time as Napoleon Biznesssuit, Team President. So fuck him. I am an agreeable and easy-to-get-along-with guy for the most part, and I hate wishing ill on anybody, but I have no problem saying I would not shed a tear and in fact would probably be stoked if his helicopter crashed into the Potomac. I am not the type to say something like that lightly, so if it happens tomorrow, I'm not going to be all, "Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" Because I'm not. I'm sorry that little fucker ever bought the Redskins, because now, through a lifelong obligation to my sports team, I have to think to myself how much he sucks, how much Fassel sucks, but still root for the Redskins, against every reasonable molecule in my body. There is no free agency with a true football fan - I live and die with the Redskins, and will suffer a long slow death for the rest of my life on this planet most likely. Hopefully my kids will inherit a better owner.
Rest in peace #21 - it should've been Snyder.