The Offseason is Terrible and Annoying

The NFL off-season sucks. It's not just because there's no football. It's also because every dumb thing gets picked apart by people obsessed with football who need something to bitch about. That's fine, and as I now blog about all this bullshit, I suppose I should get into the act.

And the issue which has me on edge today is the disturbing trend of players having hangnails. Yeah, that's right. If these scandalous motherfuckers could only stay straight and fly right during the off-season, they wouldn't have to suffer through these horrible and debilitating injuries which leave their hands vulnerable to dropped balls, fumbles and of course the dreaded interception. That's not to mention the toll it takes on their towel snapping abilities in the locker room. I mean there is only so much dancing and observing of a teammate's elephant dong that you can do in the locker room. At some point, you have to be able to use your hands for something, such as the perfect towel snap, and if your hangnails are bothering you, well then you're shit out of luck. So, there you are, sitting in the locker room, panicked and depressed because you can't snap a towel with the force or the dexterity that you need to. And then some ROOKIE comes along and snaps you right in the ass. That shit stings! And the next thing you know, all of your teammates won't look you in the eye because you were abused by a rookie and couldn't retaliate. And all because you had a hangnail. And so then, because you are a starter, morale starts to suffer, and soon enough the guy who's supposed to block for you doesn't do his job because he doesn't respect you. And then you're laying on the turf while the other team celebrates, and all because you failed to keep up proper hygiene on your fingers. A couple weeks later, because you lost the game, the coach gets fired. He goes home and beats his wife. A horrible thing, just horrible, and pretty soon you've got Chris Mortensen hanging out on your door step twenty-four hours a day bugging you about what you think about the whole thing. Meanwhile, that whole debacle, what with pictures of the poor battered wife's bruised face showing up on all the news stations, has caused a revolt in your fanbase. They no longer want to support a team full of degenerates and wife beaters. Your owner, disgusted, vows to clean house, and faster than you can say sex boat, you're released and no other team will give you the time of day, because not only did you lose that crucial game for your team, word has gotten around about how you let a rookie abuse you in the locker room, which has caused everyone to view you as soft. Plus, you have the whole stink of the wife beating issue on you, and even though you never hit anyone, everyone on your poor former team has to deal with the fact that the rest of the sports world views you as a bunch of degenerates. So there you are, without a job, your damn hangnail still killing you, and all you can do is try to ease the pain with the help of your seedy neighbor, Skinny Pete, who offers you some pills to get you through the day. That's all well and good, you're just floating along, but then Skinny Pete tells you that this shit ain't free and soon you've sold everything in your house to pay for your massively inflating drug habit. Skinny Pete tells you that it will all work itself out and because everyone else in your life has abandoned you by now, all you can do is cling to that degenerate and hope he's right. Of course, by this time Skinny Pete has gotten you hooked on heroin or crack and after a few more months go by, the bank decides it might be a good idea to tell you to get the hell out of that nice home of yours for not paying your mortgage. So, now you're homeless, crashing with Skinny Pete and his girlfriend, who smells like cat pee and gave you a detached retina that one time when she was all fucked up on PCP, thus ending whatever tiny hope for a comeback you had left. And now you spend your days getting abused by Skinny Pete and blowing truck drivers underneath overpasses for crack money. And all because you were too busy in the off-season hitting the clubs and fucking whores to keep your fingers free of the dreaded hangnail.

These are strange and terrible months, savage and awful, and we must all be vigilant, lest our gridiron heroes come down with something so terrible as a hangnail. We cannot let them skate through this off-season like the hedonistic millionaires they are. Hangnails in the NFL are an important issue and hopefully we will see an Outside the Lines about it soon. Until then, we've got, what, two months and change until the season officially kicks off? Jesus Christ.