2009 Lions Season Review, Part 8: The Special Teams

Okay, just a quick note before we delve into the pits of hell: I have eaten the bullet and gotten myself a twitter account. God help us all. Anyway, I have shamelessly appropriated this site's name - armchairlb - and if you want, you can check that out and maybe follow me if you have the stomach for it. It will kind of double as my personal account and this blog's account, and I have taken it upon myself to maybe get this place a little more attention. We're a fairly democratic place, but it seems that I have assumed the First Citizen role and as the blog's Julius Caesar I will do my best to make sure everything is awesome and also to conquer the Gauls.

Okay, with all that nonsense out of the way, let's move on to the topic of the day, and that is, of course, the Lions special teams. Hey, wait, come back, it won't be that boring, I promise. Now, I know that the special teams don't exactly seem all that interesting. I mean, it sounds like some sort of sideshow event where they trot out retards to kick field goals at halftime or something. And to be honest with you, sometimes the dudes that play on special teams kind of fit that mold, you know? But fuck it, we are all decent people, and even the slowest and the saddest have a place in our hearts. I mean, we are Lions fans after all. We have no room to look down upon anybody else, no matter how full their heads are with water or no matter how much they look like Sloth from The Goonies. They are all part of our family and so we must honor them even as we weep.

I barely even know what I am gibbering on about so I wouldn't blame you if your eyes have already glazed over and you are dreaming of cake or girls in bikinis or cakes in bikinis. Hell, I don't know what it is you dream of, okay? Anyway, let's just move on before things get out of hand. In any event, the word bikinis should produce some interesting search results from Google. They will likely disturb and confound me, but what the hell, you know? I said I was going to get this place some more attention, and I am nothing if not savvy and true to my word. Bikinis. Butts. Okay, so that's done.

Anyway, I have yet to say anything about football. This is probably confounding since this is a football blog, but we live in strange and terrible times and these things happen. I would apologize, but if you have been here before then you know what to expect, and if you haven't, well . . . welcome, and it gets better. I promise.

Okay, so the special teams. In years past, this meant Jason Hanson and, well . . . Jason Hanson. He has long been the light that has shone brightly over the rest of the special teams, the shining star that made the darkness seem a little more tolerable, the beacon of hope that made us ignore for far too long just how awful the rest of the special teams had become. While he walked in light, the rest of the special teams units walked in the shadows, haunted by a darkness from which they could not escape. His was a doomed heroism, his greatness without thanks or glory. He fought and he blossomed and became great in the midst of a world which offered nothing but rank death. The rest of the world will forget him and forget that greatness because it is tainted by the shadows of terrible failure, but those of us who have dwelled within that shadow will remember him all the more because of it and celebrate that greatness, if only because, for the longest time, it was the only thing that was beautiful in an ugly world.

It occurs to me that the previous paragraph is written in the past tense, as if describing something which has already passed. This was not intentional. I mean, Jason Hanson is still the kicker for the Detroit Lions, but it's hard to ignore the obvious, which is that Hanson's light seems to have dimmed and he has finally - finally - been pulled down by the darkness and the shadows which haunt the world of the Detroit Lions. This is the inevitable byproduct of age, and while inevitable, it still doesn't make it any easier.

You see, for a while now, most Lions fans have been holding their breath, wondering if the next season would be the year when the shadows and the darkness and the creeping dread of old age caught up to Hanson, and every year, we have sighed with relief when he trotted out onto the field like some kicking Terminator and showed that he was still there, fighting the good fight, staying strong and young and awesome. And after a while, I think people just started to assume that it would always be there - that he would always be there - and we wouldn't have to worry about it again.

But then this season started. The irony is that this season was supposed to be about hope, about renewal, about the light finally piercing through the dark storm clouds which have hovered overhead for far too long, and our whole world would finally - finally - catch up to Jason Hanson in all the right ways. We would all be bathed in light and the darkness could go fuck itself.

But in the year of change, the year of light, Jason Hanson finally stumbled and he finally fell and we were all forced to watch as he was captured by the same darkness which has caught everyone else we have ever rooted for on this team. He started missing easy field goals, field goals which he used to be able to make in a coma. I mean, just last year, this dude set the record - the all time NFL record - for most field goals beyond fifty yards in a single season. He was 8/8 from beyond fifty in that horrible year of 0-16, and for the entire season he only missed one field goal, and that one was blocked. Every kick he got off went true through the uprights. So, it was disheartening and maddening and also a little bit cruel to see him missing field goals which, for almost two solid decades, he had owned.

Worse yet was that for the longest time, Lions fans everywhere felt absolutely confident whenever Hanson would trot out onto the field. His presence meant three points. If he missed, it was a shock, but it was also an aberration, and we knew that he would make the next one. This season, that all went away. Whenever Hanson ran out onto the field, we just didn't know what would happen. He might make it, he might not. And even worse, there were times when I was sure that he would miss. That had never happened before and it was a cruel blow to have to bear.

Hanson's final numbers weren't horrible or anything, but they certainly were not up to the standards we have come to expect either. For the season, Hanson hit 21 of 28 field goals, and was only 1 for 4 from beyond 50 yards. Thoroughly ordinary numbers from the one player who, over the many miserable years, we have been able to call extraordinary.

Okay, it is fair to point out that Hanson suffered an injury that caused him to miss most of the preseason and that probably fucked him up in ways that we can't quite understand. But for the first time, Jason Hanson wasn't our Jason Hanson. Perhaps that is unfair - almost certainly, it is - but that is the sad and stark reality of the situation. For years, he was all we had, and when he fell, it felt like that last wall we had between us and the abyss had finally fallen. It was sad. He was the one worthy man during the darkest of days, the one who could stand out in front of it all, bold and without fear of the darkness and keep us all from drowning in that darkness. And he won't be here when that darkness is finally conquered once and for all, and won't be standing when the light rushes in and we all celebrate. He will be forgotten by many, but not by me.

I did not mean this to turn into a eulogy for Hanson. I mean, again, he is still our kicker, you know? But every time I write anything about him now, this is what ends up happening. It is sad, but it also seems terribly, terribly real. I hope that I am wrong - I pray that I am wrong - and that last year was just an aberration, but I don't think that it was.

But wait, there is more to our special teams than just Jason Hanson, even if it doesn't feel like it most of the time. Nick Harris was once again our punter, and once again he was thoroughly adequate. He wasn't horrible, but he wasn't a weapon or anything either, and on a team like the Lions, whose offense has struggled so much to move the ball and whose defense needs all the help it can get, you kind of need a kick ass punter. Harris is not that guy and he wasn't this past season either. He ended up with a final average of 42.9 yards per punt, which is decidedly meh. He is what he is, which is a solid but unspectacular NFL punter and he'll be the guy again this upcoming season.

The kick coverage units have long been a source of horrible agony for Lions fans. This is a byproduct of not having enough decent players to field a reasonably competent unit. It's hard to get the best out of your gunners when they are also starting at linebacker, like a Paris Lenon or an Alex Lewis in years past. If you add into that the general incompetence and boobery of Special Teams coach Stan Kwan, it all adds up to a lot of long returns for the other team while we jump up and down and pull our hair out and mutter weird things about drain cleaner and vampire apes and all that other strange bullshit.

This past season, though, saw some encouraging developments. We'll start with Zack Follett, whose recent escapades with actual Lions in Africa should be seen by all. If Ernie Sims does indeed depart, then I think it's safe to say that Zack Follett may be the man who assumes his throne and becomes king of my heart. Helping matters is the fact that Zack Follett is a born special teams ace, a dude who just wants to run down the field and smash the shit out of some poor fool. I am so happy that this dude ended up sticking with the team, because with him leading the charge - and with Stan Kwan exiled - the kick coverage units promise to be better than they have in a long, long time. Add in role players like Vinny Ciurciu and Jordan Dizon, and you have the outline for a unit which we can all embrace and love as the years go on. I like what's happening here, and given how bad the situation has been for years and years, that is kind of a miracle.

On the other hand, we have the kick returners. Now, once upon a time, our return men were actually the envy of the league. Whether it was Mel Gray or Eddie Drummond or Desmond Howard, we always had dudes who could break one at any time. But then, those dudes faded away, along with Chuck Priefer, our long time awesome Special Teams coach, and we were left with the Aveion Casons of the world, substandard fringe players whose best quality was that they didn't fuck up too badly.

There was some hope that this was changing heading into last season. The Lions drafted both Derrick Williams and Aaron Brown, and each seemed to have the sort of talent that translates well to the return game. And then, before the season started, the Lions traded for Dennis Northcutt, who for years had been a solid punt returner in the NFL. Unfortunately, none of them really did much. Williams, in fact, fumbled way too many kickoffs and punts and the final conclusion reached by many of us was that the Lions needed to return to the drawing board.

It is a frustrating thing, but it appears that the Lions need to once again address the return game, either in the draft or via free agency. Williams looked like a huge bust and Brown, while having game breaking ability, doesn't seem like he is all that comfortable returning kicks. Hell, we even tried bringing in some dude off the street towards the end of the season, and he almost took a fucking safety on a kick return. You remember that shit? It was awful.

As a whole, the special teams look like they are still a work in progress. Some pieces have faded, sadly and inevitably, while others have finally begun to shine. Still others have remained frustratingly inept, and right now, the biggest thing that we have going for us is that Stan Kwan is finally on his way out of town. His replacement, Danny Crossman, formerly of the Carolina Panthers, has had some success in the NFL, but he's also had his share of clunkers, including last year's Panthers unit. I am cautiously optimistic, if only because he has to be better than Kwan. I mean, he just has to be, doesn't he? With Zack Follett leading the way, I will cling to hope, for that is the way of the gentleman.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN FOR THE FUTURE?

Well, Hanson and Harris are the kicker and the punter, respectively. Hanson should rebound. I mean, he just has to, right? I think he is near the end, but he's still good enough to be an above average kicker in the NFL for at least one more season. I mean, some of these dudes kick until they are almost 50. In a league where it wouldn't shock anyone to see some desperate team call up Morten Andersen, I think that Hanson can still hang on for a couple of years. I only hope that they are good years, and not years that make me wonder if we should just put him down.

Harris is Harris and there isn't much to say beyond that, but what I am genuinely excited about - and really, it is a testimony to how little we as Lions fans have to be excited about that this is the case - is that the kick coverage units look like they will finally be something worth cheering about. Not only will they finally have some personality courtesy of Follett, but they will also have a nastiness and an edge that are necessary in order to be effective. They will hit people and they will create a lot of energy and hopefully that is an energy that the defense can build on when they take the field.

We need a kick returner. I don't think there is any doubt about that. No one got the job done last season, and we simply cannot afford to be backed up all the time because no one can run the ball past the twenty yard line on a kick return. I wouldn't mind terribly if the Lions drafted someone in the middle or late rounds who can double as a slot receiver. If this happens, it probably spells the end of Derrick Williams, but such is life.

WHAT I SAID BEFORE THE SEASON

Hanson should be his usually solid self, although I will still be holding my breath, hoping that this isn't the year when he dissolves into thin air like Yoda or some weird bullshit like that. Harris should be able to be safely ignored, and that's a good thing. Hopefully, Figurs finally picks up where Eddie Drummond left off a few years ago, and hopefully the Lions dedication to improving the overall depth of the team pays off in the kick coverage unit.

I am cautiously optimistic that, overall, this part of the team will be pretty good.

GRADE: B. This could plunge catastrophically lower if Hanson does indeed go to the halls of his forefathers and if Figurs shits the bed. But, again, we are optimists and champions in our hearts and so we will not think that way.

FINAL GRADE: D+. Sadly, this was the year that Hanson stumbled and fell, although he didn't dissolve into the air like Yoda, so that's something I suppose. And holy shit, I forgot all about Yamon Figurs, which, you know, kinda explains a lot, don't you think? And even though we are indeed optimists and champions in our hearts, sometimes reality is a cruel motherfucker and he makes fools of us all.