NFL 2012 Week 12 Full NFLuminati Index

It is Thanksgiving morning here at the Bird Tribe Compound – here is a video of how we do on the Compound – and I’ve already crumbled up the buttermilk cornbread I made yesterday, and added some homegrown sausage from the pigs we raised this past spring, stuffed the giant bird of American exceptionalism to slow roast through the day then carve open and gorge ourselves on. This is our future people, so be aware. It is no ironic coincidence the “Redskins” are playing on Thanksgiving Day this year – we are coming around towards psychic shifts on the Earth ball. But do not be afraid – be thankful for what you have, as my man William DeVaughn used to sang on a Sunday afternoon.

The NFL, as you will see from my write-ups this week, is sort of on the decline, much like America. I’m not sure why that is either. Is it because things aren’t allowed to go the way they want, allegedly protecting players from injury, when in actuality concerning one’s self with future liability? We are not a culture ruled by philosopher-scientists; we are ruled by lawyers. Is it because the game has gotten too glossy? I don’t fuckin’ know man, but I know this is one of the least impressive years of NFL football that I can remember. Still though, there is much to be thankful for, because perhaps I get to pretend the Redskins are good for three hours today. Perhaps…

#1: ATLANTA FALCONS (9-1; up one from last week) – The Falcons barely beat the Cardinals and yet move up past the Texans, who almost tied the Jaguars. Look, this might be the worst most boring year of NFL in recent memory. I would basically say anybody could win the Super Bowl this year. The NFL has successfully made itself like the NBA was ten years ago. Next step towards irrelevancy for the public-at-large is having superstars coordinate their plans free from GMs involvement in the future.

#2: HOUSTON TEXANS (9-1; down one from last week) – The Texans almost lost to the Jaguars in Houston, and the Jaguars were the next-to-worst team in the league going into this past weekend. Let me assure you that is not because you have to throw records out the window during storied, heated AFC South rivalry games like Houston Texans/Jacksonville Jaguars. That is because the NFL is lackluster as fuck

#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (7-2-1; same as last week) – I would say the 49ers, as well as Packers just below, are the two teams that look most Super Bowl-worthy by the eyeball test, similar to how dudes look Presidential, with no bearing on whatever the fuck they are actually doing. It’s why Ron Paul is a kook, and Romney never stood a chance, because that dude look fucked up, from the start. Even Obama didn’t really look Presidential, per se, but he was more so than that little racist goblin John McCain, so he won, and then become Presidential-looking, because it’s a self-perpetuating thing. Same thing happened to George W. Bush, who really was kinda stupid-looking to be President, but Al Gore was so obviously some sort of lizard cyborg thing, he didn’t look Presidential at all. Most of us weren’t certain he was even human. So W. Bush gets elected, become Presidential-looking, and unfortunately Republican party mistakes this to mean stupid-looking fuckers are considered Presidential by the masses. Not so. If I was in charge of the GOP (and I should be, honestly, as I’m a grand ol’ motherfuck), first thing I’d be doing is trying to find some non-retarded looking dudes to put on a short list of Guys We Try Not To Let Do Stupid Shit For Four Years.

Oddly enough, the 49ers have a QB controversy generated by the lamestream media at ESPN. Smith is in, bro, and Harbaugh is Presidential so he ain’t gonna drop Smith like that. Sure, he might find a concussive reason to let Kapernick play another week, but Smith is the man, even if he ain’t.

#4: GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-3; up one from last week) – Is Triple H still injured for the Packers? Will he be back in time for Superbowlmania, or are they gonna push that back until next year’s TV programs?

#5: BALTIMORE RAVENS (8-2; up seven from last week) – The Ravens got a huge(ly boring) win in Pittsburgh, and honestly in a year where the league says, “Who wants to be champion?” and most other teams take a step backwards to de-volunteer themselves ala Three Stooges, the Ravens might end up winning it all by just sort of puttering along at normal pace.

#6: CHICAGO BEARS (7-3; down two from last week) – Remember two weeks ago when everybody was like “ARE THE BEARS THE BEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL?” and I came to you with NFLuminati sciences and was like, “Lol, fuck no, not even close.” Now look at your dumb asses. Still though, I am here again to say, with these sciences, there is no need to freak out. The Bears are still a solid team by the NFL’s shaky 2012 standards. So chill out. We’ll get to see Cutler pout in the January cold of Chicago, puffing on a cigarillo, sneaking off into the locker room for “concussion tests” which are really just blowjobs that his famous model ol’ lady don’t know about.

#7: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (7-3; same as last week) – I hate Bill Belichick because he fucking caused me to put piece of shit Danny Woodhead on my fantasy team, and then he didn’t even use him this past week in a huge stomping of the Colts. So fucking annoying. Danny Woodhead looks like the asshole dude from a restaurant kitchen or construction site who loves white people acceptable rap music, and drives some shitty motorcycle, and talks about some weird extreme sport he does which will eventually be replaced by jiu-jitsu with an extreme MMA bent. Goddammit.

#8: DENVER BRONCOS (7-3; up on from last week) – Here, let me say a thing: even more important to success in Denver this year than Peyton Manning is John Fox. Fox has secretly been one of the greater coaches below the radar in the NFL. He led the Panthers to wild successes beyond their current imagination, and he took fucking Tim Tebow to the playoffs last year. Honestly, I was dwelling on this, and as much as I hate Peyton Manning, he never – not even with Tony Dungy – had a great head coach in Indy. Dungy was always good at doing okay with great, but he never got great out of okay. John Fox gets great out of okay (see Tebow 2011), and fuck man, with Peyton Manning having an actual coach instead of just coaching his own games, the fuckin’ Broncos might actually go to the Super Bowl. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but I think it’s true.

#9: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (6-4; down three from last week) – Fuck everybody who mocked those Steelers uniforms. Every fuckin’ NFL team should have uniforms like that. If I had enough photoshop skills, I’d even make some for you to see. You guys are all fashionable Kardashian pussies for thinking those uniforms are not great (unless you thought they were great, then cool – we should hang).

#10: NEW YORK GIANTS (6-4; down two from last week) – One thing going for the Giants is the NFC East is a wretched piece of shit this year. The other thing going for them is all you have to do is make it to the playoffs, catch fire, and win another trophy. Thus, everything is set up very nicely for them.

#11: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (6-4; same as last week) – As much as I would always like to make fun of the Seahawks, Marshawn Lynch is the most spirit warrior of all spirit warriors left in football, and he is a Seahawk, so I can’t disparage them. Sometimes I go into beast mode too, but usually only when smoking joints dipped in angel dust. Bath salts ain’t got shit on some old school 1979 PCP. I done some gnarly, bloody shit on dust. Woke up in the woods surrounded by four deer carcasses one time, with no recollection of what happened or how I got there. And that was BEFORE I smoked the angel dust.

#12: TENNESSEE TITANS (4-6; up one from last week) – Sorry bros, but I’m just checking out on this blurb and listening to a “Tennessee Jed” from my first Grateful Dead show I ever went to – RFK Stadium in June of 1990. Split a quarter bag of shrooms three ways, and also took three hits of this very visual yin-yang acid. Some things happened. Also from the tone of these blurbs I guess I should be thankful I’m still alive from all the shit I’ve done. WELL FUCK YOU LIFE, I’M NOT THANKFUL FOR SHIT. And quit telling me what to do.

#13: DALLAS COWBOYS (5-5; up three from last week) – Not sure if you know this but the Cowboys are the worst thing on Earth. Worse than the Israeli government. Worse than airborne ebola. If God was real and he showed up at my house and was like, “Yo Raven, I’ll change any one aspect of life in this Universe you live in, just ask,” without hesitating I’d say, “Can you make the Cowboys lose today, like by some terrible ass fumble or something?” And then I’d be like, “Damn, I should’ve wished for a bigger dick.” And then God would go, “Don’t worry Raven, you’re a big enough dick already,” and we’d do a funny look at each other and then the credits would roll.

#14: ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-6; down two from last week) – Still hoping, as has been written about multiple times at ACLB and in my Football Metaphysics book, that the Cardinals are bought by a Mexican drug lord and relocated to Mexico. American football won’t truly be great until the billionaire criminal element involved is fully acknowledged.

#15: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (6-4; same as last week) – Haha, everybody was like, “Andrew Luck is ushering in a new Colts that’s perhaps just as good as Peyton’s Colts” and then the Patriots were like, “lol, fuck yall.” And now we can accept the fact the Colts are really competitive by AFC South standards, which is similar to be the smartest kid in special ed.

#16: DETROIT LIONS (4-6; down two from last week) – I read that Detroit was going to start stop paying workers or some shit. What a fucking shithole. The Lions would do better to embrace that shithole mentality and become the ‘70s Raiders of 2012, instead of trying to be the new Packers or whatever the fuck they are trying to be that is not working. They are dirtbag players on a dirtbag team with a dirtbag coach in a dirtbag city – until they embrace that, they will never get beyond high mediocrity.

#17: NEW YORK JETS (4-6; up four from last week) – Why do you think Rex Ryan is so yoked up to Mark Sanchez still? You think he has his wife use her feet to masturbate Sanchez while he takes pics? I mean Sanchez is an attractive enough guy, I could see a fat-fuck bi-curious dude like Rex Ryan being into that, at least on an experimental level. Poor Tim Tebow, dragged into the den of the devil, and asked to use the third controller on the Wii.

#18: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (6-4; same as last week) – Purple Jesus is the stupidest fucking nickname ever. Everybody knows that DJ Screw is the real Purple Jesus, and to think some beetle-eyed little bitch named Adrian is Purple Jesus is blasphemy. I bet that motherfucker ain’t even done no codeine while listening to Steel Pulse records slowed down before.

#19: BUFFALO BILLS (4-6; up one from last week) – You know what, Buffalo? Chicken wings are fucking stupid. It’s like two bites of meat on about nine bones you have to gnaw at. Adding some gunky hot sauce just makes an already stupid endeavor even messier.

#20: MIAMI DOLPHINS (4-6; down three from last week) – Dolphins are smart as fuck animals, very likely superior to humans which is why they live in the water as mammals and are like, “fuck land, with them bitch asses.” In fact, I’d say most oceanic mammals are probably the highest form of species on Earth. But I bet when they see that logo with one of them in a helmet, they get pissed, and then do those Mariah Carey singing sounds at each other which is them cussing about how we suck, “we” meaning humans. (If any dolphins are reading this, I am sorry for what my people aka people have done to the Earth. Also, can I ride you? Maybe even two of you with one foot on each and shit?)

#21: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (6-4; up one from last week) – The Buccaneers are a trick so don’t get caught up in thinking they are not a trick. However, as I said last week, they are a fantasy blessing, and will probably by wild card contention be forced to play through week 17 at a for-real rate, so my dork lawyer advice to you is pick up some of them Buccaneer bamas for your fantastical foozballs if you are thinking about playoffs and worried your main dude is going to be going half-speed.

#22: CINCINNATI BENGALS (5-5; up one from last week) – You should just go read my blurb for the Bengals from last week, because I was really proud of it.

#23: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (4-6; up one from last week) – The Redskins are my team, still, though I’ve pulled back, and they play on Thanksgiving Day, which seems massively fucked up from a historical perspective. Yesterday my kids were squealing like excited girls about something, so I did it too as a joke, and said, “REDSKINS! SQUEEEEEEEELLL!” and my wife was laughing so hard she had to leave the house, crying and laughing and holding her ruptured intestines. So I have decided I am going to squeal like a schoolgirl at a Beatles concert when good things happen in football games I watch of the Redskins from now on. This ridiculous action will keep me from getting too seriously tied up emotionally in stupid fucking football games I have no control over whatsoever.

#24: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (5-5; up one from last week) – Haha, the Saints are on a run, yes, but they are not good. They still essentially have a non-existent defense that will get manhandled by actual football teams. The fact the NFL is so chock full of lackluster teams should not mistakenly make you think the Saints clawing back up to .500 somehow means they are a potential playoff threat. They are not. Trust me; my science backs this ranking and that deduction.

#25: ST. LOUIS RAMS (3-6-1; down six from last week) – I feel bad for Sam Bradford, always kinda sucking but not quite obviously enough to be freed from the burden of being a potential franchise QB. He just screams “New York Giants back-up QB” to me, and yet he is still tied by the hopes of St. Louis to that number one overall draft spot. One day, my little Cherokee-eyed simpleton, you’ll be able to stand around on the sidelines working on your Sudoku puzzle like you’d want.

#26: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4-6; same as last week) – I am not sure how Norv Turner always manages to last well beyond his obvious usefulness as a head coach and it has to get to these horrible, depressing moments where there is no choice but to realize all hope is lost and the team in question has basically wasted perhaps the best four years of its past fifty with this fucker. Still though, as an avid Norvell hater, it is funny to watch. Also I know a girl who slept with Philip Rivers when he was at N.C. State. He apparently has a really little dick and likes to piss on people sexually.

#27: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (3-7; same as last week) – Sadly though, Andy Reid will probably be fired before Norv Turner. That will make no fucking sense, but with the Eagles hitting their lowest point in 20 years probably, and Philly fans being mutant drunkards who need to feast on the psychic blood of their fallen brothers fairly regularly in order to sustain their cynical hearts, Andy Reid’s fat ass is probably going to get run out of town, probably with insensitive comments made about his dead and drug-addled sons in the process. So be it. That is the world we have built for ourselves.

#28: CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-8; up one from last week) – The Browns would be kind of a cool team to pull for, except for the fact Brandon Weeden is about the most white ass looking motherfucker the NFL has had as a QB since the days of Boomer Esiason and Phil Simms being mistaken for each other by most minorities. What is it with the Browns and white ass QBs like Weeden and Chris Simms and Brady Quinn? Like seriously, what the fuck?

#29: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-7; down one from last week) – Looks like Al Davis died for nothing.

#30: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-9; up one from last week) – I have been trying left and right to think of something clever to say about the Jaguars but I can’t think of one. I even drank a little glass of buttermilk to try and conjure up something. Most buttermilk you get at the store is lowfat, which is fucking stupid because the whole point of buttermilk is for it to be full of healthy fats. Also all the buttermilk is sour because it is not like old school buttermilk that you could drink, and is mostly available nowadays for cooking not drinking. Thus my cup of buttermilk was not that great. This makes me think I need to have some dairy cows, although I guess I already have dairy goats that we’ve yet to breed. I mean, I’ve fucked one of them, but she didn’t get pregnant, which is probably for the best because she’s kind of a cracked out goat, always jumping over the fence, and that personality combined with mine, in a goat-human centaur of some sort, would probably be tough for the world to handle.

#31: CAROLINA PANTHERS (2-8; down one from last week) – Somebody tried to tell me the 2-8 Panthers were not as bad as their record suggests. I was like, “Fool, whoever they was playing ain’t as good as you tried to think.” And then I went rim shopping through back issues of Low Rider magazine from 1992. America made much better rims back then. We’ve lost our fuckin’ way, people!

#32: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-9; same as last week) – The Chiefs are horrible. Beyond horrible. So horrible it is hard to even look at them and say, “Hey, let’s keep this but start over with this instead.” Constant rebuilding they’ve been in for a while now. Fuck it though, that’s the end of this week’s rankings.