NFL 2012 Week 7: AFC & NFC West (2nd Quarter)

Here, let us go into this new week of the NFL football NFLuminati rankings and analyze from a chaotical perspective those teams what which inhabit the West divisions of our beloved American blue state and National red state Football Conferences. Sometimes I wish there was no inter-conference or inter-divisional play and you only played six straight weeks of your own divisional games to start the year. Then the worst half of each division would be eliminated for the year. That would leave 8 teams in each conference, who would play once against the other 6 teams in their conference but also another home-and-away with their divisional rival who was also still in it. That would be a total of 14 games. Then you eliminated the worst four from each conference, which would leave 8 teams total, who would play all four teams from the opposite conference. All games would count from beginning to end, but like that last third phase would be 3 points per win, and the second part of your conference would be 2 points, and your first 6 divisional games would only be 1 point. After the four games only against the other conference, the top four teams with the most points would be seeded and play a single elimination tournament called the American Bowl and National Bowl and then the Super Bowl. And at halftime during the Super Bowl, instead of some stupid concert, all the owners of teams who did not make it to the second round could fight each other for necklaces they wore featuring their star players, so a tough owner could make his team way fucking better in the 15 minutes of the halftime of the Super Bowl. And then the NFL would be perfect, finally. So yeah, the West division teams. Let us dally through this nonsense…

#1: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (4-2, 2nd overall) – Look, knee-jerk football pundits, I know the 49ers lost at home to a Giants team, but that does not mean you say the 49ers are crap. They are still one of the most forceful teams in the league, and even more so when most teams are more up-and-down than some sort of tasteless reference to oral sex on the back seat of a Greyhound bus. But the 49ers still will manifest their destiny, as they are one of the few up-and-downers with identity. As humans, when caught up in the ebb and flow of emotions, when we also lack self-esteem or sense of self, we are more prone to terrible sudden declines that destroy our world. This is a lot of the NFL right now. However, the 49ers have strong sense of self, and Jim Harbaugh has a huge dick. They will be okay.

#2: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (4-2, 7th overall) – The Seahawks, on the other hand, are a great example of the prone-to-sudden decline pattern. I have Russell Wilson as my back-up fantasy QB (and he’ll have to start this week). Sure, be blew away the Patriots, but mostly he has been inconsistent and questionable. I guess that’s to be expected from a rookie QB. But shit man, the Seahawks are 4-2, and people are getting caught up in “the possibilities” when really they are just benefitting from Beast Mode by osmosis. Beast Mode is a tricky demon though, and it will fail you. Trust me, I am half-beast myself, trying to contain that side of my soul by carving alexandrine quatrains into tree stumps as a hobby. But I know Beast Mode, and it gets so wrapped up in itself being Beastly at times that it completely forgets the rules of civilization, thus ignoring a key civilized man’s law, and then fucking over the successful application of Beast Mode, a the man’s law enforcers then reprimand Beast for Beastly. Essentially that is the psychic tap dance of the NFL, and the Beasts have been losing that dance for a long minute, which is why Marshawn Lynch is so fucking great. Too bad about the new Nike uniforms being so ugly though.

#3: ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-2, 8th overall) – By my patented NFLuminati scoring system, the Cardinals are actually the 8th best team in the NFL right now. What that should tell you is the NFL is a horrid festering product where any team can beat any other team any given day of the week, literally now that they play games on almost every day of the week.

#4: DENVER BRONCOS (3-3, 9th overall) – Peyton Manning and his cripple-neck had himself a miraculous comeback against the most worst head coach in the history of the NFL, who somehow still has a job even though he has done nothing but never succeed in prominent times where success seemed inevitable. And you motherfuckers still act like this shit ain’t fake. That Broncos/Chargers game was like Hulk Hogan grimacing at the Iron Sheik’s cobra clutch then jumping up and winning the belt. Complete and utter bullshit, and the perfect lead-in to “NEVER COUNT OUT OL’ PEYTON MANNING” memes galore the next day. Man, fuck the NFL sometimes. Sad thing is some team from the AFC West will have to make the playoffs, so that’ll probably be the Broncos and fucking Peyton fucking Manning. But hopefully somebody will paralyze him. And I know in today’s internet age, people say inflammatory things to be inflammatory, but I can guarantee you, I would not feel even a quibble of doubt if Peyton Manning were paralyzed. Only problem is he is rich so he’d get some sort of Hemi-powered Stephen Hawking wheelchair and end up coaching the Colts or some asshole team like the Browns to multiple Super Bowl titles.

#5: ST. LOUIS RAMS (3-3, 14th overall) – I think of all the NFL teams, the Rams are the ones I’d like to ride around in a donk with, getting blunted as fuck, scoping out jogging ass bitches wearing those black legging/tights things that chicks be just wearing like regular pants nowadays. I’m not complaining at all, just noticing, often and regularly.

#6: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (3-3, 24th overall) – Hahaha, oh man, somehow even when everybody on earth knows the Chargers are fucked and are gonna screw up and be exactly what we all know Norv Turner and Philip Rivers are gonna be, they find a way to convince us that maybe it won’t go that way somehow. And then it goes EXACTLY that way. It is like laughing at that same joke you’ve busted your gut at nine times already – you can’t really lose your shit any more, but you still take great joy in the joke continuing, and you also feel the inner-glow of glee from the length of joy the running joke has given you. I might actually be sad when Norv Turner is finally fired, just because that’s probably it for Norv Turner – Head Coach. Such a thing has brought so many lulz to so many otherwise sad souls for such a long period of time, it seems a shame that it has to end.

#7: OAKLAND RAIDERS (1-4, 25th overall) – I would like to say that even though they are not a good team, I fully support the Oakland Raiders. Raiders fans are my people, and them almost beating the Falcons (who are #1 on this NFLuminati list right now) was a great moment, but also further proof inside my paranoid mind of the actual truth of the NFLuminati effect, as the Raiders are a storied team in black, and the Falcons are a new school imposter, whose history in black is not even a full part of their history as a team. So essentially the Raiders game was close enough but still a loss to give the Falcons the false rub of Raiders black fear, to make our collective minds think, “You know, maybe these Falcons are real. I mean, John Abraham was almost like Jack Tatum there for a couple plays.” But he wasn’t, and they’re not. The NFL is manipulating your consciousness. The Falcons suck, and Jack Tatum’s ghost would paralyze Tom Brady and smile for eternity were he a ghost, which he is not as he is fucking 71 virgins in Valhalla as we speak. I know this because I talked to his personal assistant through a thrift store Ouija board last weekend. Also of note is that apparently when Orientals go to Heaven, they become personal assistants for the rest of us. But that is their idea of Heaven, so it’s cool. The only slaves in Heaven are apparently those who like to be slaves. I asked the personal assistant through Ouija board if perhaps this was the result of psychological conditioning, that would make people desire slavery against their own personal benefit because they had been demeaned into such a position, or manipulated to think such a way. The personal assistant bolted on me though, and then the next person medium on the other end of the Ouija board didn’t want to answer my questions about such sociopolitical issues, as they just wanted to know if Beyonce still had a fat ass or not. It was uncomfortable answering Us Weekly type shit to the beyond, so I took my hands off the little dialer doohickey and broke the connection to the other world.

#8: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-5, 31st overall) – Be patient, because the Chiefs have all the makings of eventually being the worst team in football this year. Thus far, everything has broken just right to make such a thing happen, and the soap opera can only get better. The great thing is there is no Andrew Luck to reward them for their poor effort this year.