Washington Redskins 2011 Wrap-Up: The Offensive Edition

I had talked to my man Will the Thrill thru the electronic mailboxes about how shitty things ended for the Skins, and wanted to do a position by position rundown of looking back and ahead and shit, but just don’t have the heart for it, especially when I need to be working on these fuckin’ short stories for a collection to come out for real not internetted. But hey, I just drank a double dose of Tazo Awake tea, am briefly amped, so let’s run thru this like two crank aficionados who hadn’t seen each other since community college ten years ago (doing offense this time)…

QUARTERBACKING: Came into the year with the Cannon of Sex and Mormon MacGruber and the world was all “lololol” at us. Internally, we wondered what the fuck was up with the Shanahans, but drank the Kool-Aid on Grossman, if for no other reason than we had no choice. He sucked, so they put in Beck, because we were like, “maybe that dude actually is good, even though he’s never seemed like it.” He wasn’t, so back came Grossman who we begrudgingly loved briefly, all the way through the 15th week of the season when some people were actually like, “Yo, we could’ve had a shot to make the playoffs if Grossman had played those weeks when stupid Beck played.” But then Rex did what Rex does and sucked it up enough against the Vikings and Eagles to close out the season with a healthy splash of Redskinreality. Talk was heavy of Robert Griffin III coming, but with that Leinart/Sanchez 3.0 dude saying he was staying in college to have threesomes with Polynesian chicks, that means Griffin will probably be gone before we pick 6th. Talk was Skins would trade up potentially, maybe even for Andrew Luck (so as to turn him into Ryan Leaf I guess), but then Matt Flynn had one good game in a somewhat who gives a fuck game, so now the Redskins will probably trade 17 draft picks in a sign-and-trade for him. What they should do is keep Grossman, draft either Griffin or Luck (whichever falls to second QB, meaning hopefully Griffin) even if it means trading up, and let Grossman run this thing next year as well until he is so godawful (again) that he has to be replaced by the rookie. I mean fuck it, it’s not like they’ll actually be good next year either, so we should just be looking for improvement. Right?

RUNNING BACKS: Tim Hightower was brought in and was okay I guess, but a really nice dude who doesn’t scare white people. Roy Helu and Evan Royster the rookie dudes both looked very good, which gives hope that maybe Shanahan’s not a complete retard at his advanced age. “Rugged” Ryan Torain became expendable. And the Darrell Young dude really started to shine in a FB role. They will probably stay pat with this ensemble, fleshing it out with some other draft pick next year. Personally, I’m not entirely sold on Hightower (outside of him being super nice, so my apologies to you if you read this bro, even though I went to VCU so fuck U of R), but whatever man. Let this thing we have ride next year, fill it out with some other shit. I would throw a couple of other rookies into the rotation though because I don’t trust none of this. I want to love Roy Helu and dream he could be the Polynesian John Riggins, but I also fear he could be next year’s Ryan Torain.

WIDE RECEIVER TYPE DUDES: Man, don’t even know what to say. We had the most hodgepodge collection of a Madden game fantasy draft where you forgot to draft WRs until the 6th round ever. I’ve had enough of Santana Moss and would not feel sad if he went away forever. I mean he’s been serviceable, and we will always have him and Mark Brunell against the Cowboys on MNF. But I’d like to hope we turn into an actual good football team again and we can fondly look back on guys like Moss and Clinton Portis as dudes who entertained us during the suck years. Jabar Gaffney was good I guess, but it’s not like he’s breaking open shit any time soon. Second-tier retreads are not what championship teams are made of. I had hoped more from the rookie trio of Leonard Hankerson and Niles Paul and Aldrick Robinson, and Hankerson and Paul showed some promise. But you know what? Counting on them to develop next year would be as stupid as counting on Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas to develop in their second year, except Kelly/Thomas were 2nd round hypejobs while Hankerson/Paul were later round “bargains”, thus it would be even stupider. In other words, get me a fucking WR, please. I guess there’s that fast dude with the Steelers who everybody wants to throw money at, so I would imagine that’s right up Snyder’s anushole. But dude, remember Randle El? C’mon.

TIGHT ENDS: At one point, this was considered a strong spot, where people were like, “Let’s trade Chris Cooley because Fred Davis is so awesome!” Then Chris Cooley’s knee proved to be as limp as his penis in that famous picture, and Fred Davis proved to be stupid as fuck in getting busted for weed smoking after already getting busted for weed smoking, meaning next time he’s gone for a whole year. Considering I think the dude’s only been here for three, and has already been popped that many times, and every NFL player ever gets high like crazy but only the stupid ones get busted, it seems highly unlikely he does not fuck up again. Logan Paulsen was awesome as the longhaired potential viking warrior as the third TE, but once he actually had to play, not so awesome. Some dude are born roster fillers and look great with bad tattoos and long hair on the sidelines. That is Logan Paulsen. He should learn long-snapping. Most likely the Skins will piss me off with whatever they do with Cooley, because I’ll be sad if he goes and bummed if he stays. In all honesty, he is the one dude I feel an obligation to as a fan, and though he wants to stay here in DC, he really deserves to have that second run in a city of his choice to give his career some spectrum. I’d suggest Denver, because he’d fit in great with his do-anything mentality, and it would be close to his Utah home. As for Fred Davis, I imagine the Skins will sign him to a new-deal and he will never do anything near as good as this year ever again, basically becoming our offensive Rocky McIntosh. But they will think whatever they do is perfect, and be like, “We have Fred Davis who is about to breakout as one of the great TEs in the league like Jimmy Graham or those Patriot dudes except for the fact Davis has been playing longer than all of them and yet to develop into anything near as awesome. And Logan Paulsen got some quality experience last year when everybody else was crippled or drug suspended. So we feel really deep at tight end.”

OFFENSIVE LINEMEN: Oh man, Trent Williams was a #4 overall pick, and got hisself suspended as well for weed. Next time and he’s gone for a full year, which is odd because dude has only been in the NFL for two years, and been injured for part of that. Basically what I am saying is fuck him. Give him next year to either get it or get the fuck out. Seriously. Fuck patience for unfulfilled potential because one thing that’s become painfully clear in the last decade is nobody reaches their full potential – ever – in Washington. They are going to play below their potential somehow if they are known, and perhaps a little over it if they are unknown, which leads to a consistent mediocrity. Actually you know what? Fuck Trent Williams. I’d trade that dude for like a 5th round draft pick to like the Cardinals or some shit, just to send a message to everybody else that you do not give a fuck anymore and you will only bring in players who are insanely dedicated to whatever it is Mike Shanahan thinks football is in 2012. Also, Jammal Brown sucks. I know he’s started a bunch of games and is a veteran presence, but that dude sucks, and few guys on this team have caused me to attempt to break things in my house like he has this season, far more than a guy not from a prominent face time position on TV should be causing. As for the no-name later round dudes who finished out the season, they were respectable. Nothing I’d build around or count on for the future, but a good foundation. If one of the top two draft picks we have next year, and the year after that, as well as the one after that, is not spent on an O-Lineman, then we have learned nothing. Get two good dudes to flesh out the no-names, who usually develop into good dudes as well when surrounded by a lynchpin like that, and we might be better than many think. The real problem is Williams though, as he is supposed to be that lynchpin but has not shown the ability to be that, but we are financially and psychically committed to him for the time being. Which again points toward next year being a hold pattern year to see what happens.

COORDINATOR: Kyle Shanahan is not so good at coordinating an offense, and not even a third as good as he thinks he is. He is a young dude who feels his system can be implemented anyhow, and yet he has no real tangible proof to back this up. But he is also the head coach’s son. Hopefully Redskins highest-ups will feel out making Daddy Shanahan fire his son, but if ol’ Mike doesn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t push the issue. You really have to give Daddy Shanahan next year to sink or swim, either show notable improvement or hit the road you old fucking anus-mouthed Jon Benet Ramsey ritualistic child sex murder accomplice. So I wouldn’t push the issue of firing Kyle. But if you can get away with it, I’d get away with it, and try to bring somebody else in with at least a fucking ounce of humility.

OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR: I don’t know, I guess Roy Helu, for lack of anyone else I feel comfortable picking. And even that I don’t wanna pick. Or fuck it, let’s just say Will Montgomery, starting C who bounced around the line but was the one solid dude there. Yeah, I choo-choo-choose him. The Center. That’s a sign of a powerful offense, isn’t it?