Week 13: God damn it

There is so much to complain about here, but for now, I'll just keep it to one particular play. It's pretty much agreed on that the Vikings' goal line stand was the turning point in the game, (with an assist from Charles Tillman on the next play) where it changed from the Bears running away with the easy win to the Bears getting their shit pushed in on national television. But of the four failed plays from the one-yard line, the third was the one that struck me as the dumbest. Third and goal, fullback Jason Davis up the middle for no gain. Now, here's the thing with that play: It's a play that's been tried all year in short-yardage situations with regular starter Jason McKie, and it seemingly has failed every single time. So here is the question I'd like to ask Ron Turner, Lovie Smith, or whoever it was that made that call: If a play never works against any team, ever, with your terrible starting fullback, why would you run it with his just-recently-snagged-off-someone's-practice squad injury replacement? If it never works with an established NFL starter, how could it ever work with a guy who's one bad practice rep away from mopping up at Denny's? If it never works against any pair of defensive tackles you've ever tried it on so far, how could it ever have a Chinaman's chance in hell of working against the god-damned Williams Wall? Seriously, the interior of the Vikings' defensive line is made up of two 9,000 pound dudes who just got busted for pills to hide their steroid use, and they're probably the best DT pair in the league. Shit, they have a name together. Have you ever played defensive tackle? Do you know how hard it is to build a brand at such a position the way they have? And you're going to give the ball to a guy who's barely even a pro football player - on his first-ever regular-season carry, no less - against those two? If you thought that was a good idea, the question I am asking is not so much whether you were smoking crack, how much of it you had smoked, or who you bought the crack from; the question is what was the crack you had been smoking laced with? Jesus fuck.

Other than that, here's what we've learned so far:

- Nathan Vasher is pretty much done. Vash played out of his mind from '04 to '06 and got a huge contract as a result "before they notcied the typo," as Tommie Harris would say. But after that, injuries killed him last year, and this year's trip to IR was more of a mercy-killing after a season of just plain shitty play that saw him lose the starting job to Corey Graham at one point. With Graham in the mix and the faint hope that Zack Bowman can play a whole season next year the way he played the one game this year, there's not much of a reason to keep him on the payroll next year, outside of whatever the cap hit would be. Kind of a bummer, as I always liked the dude, with that 108-yard field goal return against the Niners maybe being my favorite play ever. At least I didn't blow the $70+ I considered spending on a jersey of his in 2006, I suppose.

- Also on his last legs: Dusty Dvoracek. Three NFL seasons, three trips to injured reserve. Just damn. He might get another shot next year simply due to the fact that they don't have to pay him much, but if he makes it out of the preseason alive, he better appear in 16 games and play flat-out balls nasty the whole time. But judging by the way he was always in a cast or on crutches when I used to see him around town as a college player, that ain't very likely to happen.

- This game probably cost Kyle Orton squillions of dollars and put at least two or three first round bust quarterbacks on the team agenda for the years to come. Same as it ever was, third verse, same as the first, etc.

- Adrian Peterson (The Viking, not the Bear; A.D., not A.P.) is a beast of a man who runs with blind, seething hatred in his heart, and it hurts me to not be able to love him.

- Bob Babich's "mug" defense explained: Walk the linebackers up to the line of scrimmage in the gaps between the defensive linemen, to all do the kind of blitz-faking thing that we used to get yelled at by coaches for doing too much in high school. Then, at the snap, make them all backpedal furiously to get back in the general vicinity of where they should have already been, leaving them on their heels as the running back blows past them and makes his way toward the safety, who is lined up sixty-five yards off the line of scrimmage. He is lined up back there to provide support against the mythological "big play" for the cornerbacks, who are both roughly forty-eight yards off the line of scrimmage. Repeat this until a touchdown is scored by the offense, followed by Lovie Smith staring at the scoreboard high above, with a slack-jawed look of astonishment.

- Gus Frerotte serves both as a reminder that the Bears can make any quarterback look like a star and that you can still make it in this world if you look like a more conservative Tom G. Warrior.

- Matt Forte is the real real, and had a fairly badass game against a fairly badass defensive line, as well as his own team's inability to block or pass. It's just too bad that it looks like they're putting him on the Neal Anderson fast-track to being a dried up husk of his former self by the age of 29. I mean, Forte's on pace for 394 touches this year, which is probably right around the number that some nerds with calculators and an almanac figured out was the instant-death number for a back. Get this dude some help. Like perhaps from your three backup running backs.

- Mike Brown is STILL not out for the year.