Some Points I've Been Meaning To Make

I have not posted too often the past six weeks or so, partly because the internet sucks, but partly because what the fuck is there to say. Any sensible Redskins fan could see this 6-2 team was smoke-n-mirrors and this pretty lass of a season was more than expected to pull her skirt up and expose herself as a masturbating transsexual. But I have had plenty of thoughts about the Redskins, and as I have been sick and pretty much shitting dirty water for the past seven days, let me just get right into it.
#1: CLINTON PORTIS IS MOTHERFUCKIN' ALRIGHT IN MY BOOK - I don't give a fuck if he seems like a primadonna and his grammar is not always that grammatical, he is a man. Without the big, bruising body of your normal bruiser of a RB, he bruises. I don't give a fuck if he has missed practice, the dude plays with like half-crippled body, and doesn't take pain shots like most of the degenerate pillhead players in this league do. Seriously, if the Redskins had actually had a good playoff run while he's been here, C.P. would be challenging John Riggins inside my brain for Greatest Redskin Evar.
#2: JOE GIBBS WAS OBVIOUSLY FAR MORE OF A GENIUS THAN EVEN I, AS A DELUSIONAL REDSKINS FAN, REALIZED - For this franchise to go four years under his watch without that much retardation is pretty amazing. I mean, what did it take Snyder, like two weeks to unravel it all after Gibbs retired? And they tricked us into drinking some wacky Jim Zorn Kool-Aid, but now it looks like that might just be a wasted year, YET AGAIN!
#3: FUCK VINNY CERRATTO - Okay, they draft a punter (which nobody does), and he sucks. So we bring in Zorn's zen buddhism buddy from Seattle, who also sucks, but has more experience at it. Cerratto drafts two wide receivers who have equaled half a player's contribution, and a second round tight end whose name I heard during the radio broadcast of a game for the first time today, in Week 15. And he still didn't do shit. Even not drafting has sucked, as they traded a 7th round pick to the Vikings for DE Erasmus James, because of his great potential being a former first-rounder. James occupied a roster spot, on the inactive list all year long, until like a week ago when they finally waived him. So Cerratto basically just pissed away a 7th round draft pick, which really sucks, because out of his 10 picks this past year, that was the only good fucking pick he made (Chris Horton, who is mostly good because of the tutoring by former NFL player James Washington, who hates the Redskins franchise now, even though he collected fat Dan Snyder paychecks a couple of seasons).
#4: A 90,000 SEAT STADIUM IS FUCKING STUPID - Not just because friends I know who finally got season tickets after years of waiting have wonderful views of concrete pillars, but because how much fucking money do you need? When you are counting on 90,000 paying fans and you have run out a shitty assed team like Mr. Snyder has done, there's a good chance many of those 90,000 seats are gonna be obtained by the other side's fans. This has left a mostly empty FedEx Field's lower bowl fill up with road team colors and drunkenly stoked fans mocking the home team as another home loss comes to an end.
#5: I FEEL SORRY FOR LONDON FLETCHER - This guy is a fucking solid football player, as solid as they come, both as a dude you can parade out to the public as being a straight-up bro, but also as a monster on the field. His long career, starting as a Division III undrafted free agent, has been a great one, and it sucks for him it has to end with such a shitty situation. Honestly, if it were up to me, as part of my plan to rebuild after blowing up this shitty team, I'd make him player/coach next year and Defensive Coordinator. I don't believe all that hype that guys have to stay up all night long and sleep on their desk in a dirty sweatshirt to game plan most properly like is the common belief. If he could instill his heart into a defense, which he has a lot of times, they'll be okay, like they have been.
#6: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT JASON CAMPBELL - He is a nice guy, always doing charity work, and I want to like him, but something's not clicking. Perhaps he has been thrown too many times to the turf and been asked not to learn too much, but forget what he already was forced to learn too often. He may be ruined goods at this point. But I'm sure to prove a point, Dan Snyder will give him a $32 million guaranteed contract extension in the off-season.
#7: I DO KNOW ABOUT JIM ZORN - That first game, when his anime hair was pointed up in confusion and he looked severely out of place as an NFL head coach? That was legit. He is in waaaaay over his head, and I feel bad for the guy, because all he was gonna do was be the Offensive Coordinator. But then he goes to a sleepover with Danny and Vinny at Danny's house and ends up beating them both so badly in Madden football on the 70-inch plasma screen, that they make him Head Coach. But what do we do? At this point, Dan Snyder is gaining a young Al Davis's reputation for marrying and divorcing coaches at a ridiculous rate. It doesn't really bear too well on this team to fire Zorn already. We are married to the guy, for better or worse. But he's obviously not cut for the part, and it's only going to get worse.
#8: ISN'T THERE SOME DOWN-ON-HIS-LUCK REAL REDSKIN FAN WHO WANTS TO HELP SAVE THIS FRANCHISE - The economy is in the shitter and dudes offing their families in murder/suicide headlines seem to be on the incline. It seems to me obvious the source of the Redskins futility, and that would be from the top. Dan Snyder is a young young guy by NFL owner standards, and most likely could keep this team in perpetual mediocrity for the rest of my life, as well as many other Skins fans. I would think there has to be some downwardly spiralling soul who could involve a certain rich fucker businessman in his murder/suicide scenario. I don't know how else to make this team good again. Maybe some kids can get mangled at Six Flags and Snyder will have to sell off the team to settle the case. I also used to say if my wife was to ever kick me out, I was gonna live my life out as a penniless hobo. I have become half-hobbled by drunken stunt man injuries at this point in my life, and I don't know how well a hobo's life would jibe with my sore joints and back spasms and shit. So perhaps I have a new Plan B. And when the Redskins lose, I become brooding and difficult, which affects my relationship with my wife. Get it together, Mr. Snyder. It is a very obvious domino effect that you are in charge of.
#9: JOHN MADDEN IS NOT THAT BAD - I have suffered through two Redskins Sunday night games this season since I last posted on this shitty blog, and I have heard the complaints that "John Madden is terrible blah blah blah" upon the AM radios, but you know what? That's wrong. Madden really isn't any different than he's ever been, and I find it entertaining enough. When a motherfucker takes a moment to highlight cholesterol-heavy pork products of a regional variety, I can appreciate that. The real problem with the Sunday Night Football booth is Al Michaels. That guy's ego has obviously caught up with his hype as the greatest play-by-play man ever, because he doesn't really do play-by-play half the time, cracking corny ass jokes and relaying allegedly interesting anecdotes like a suddenly sober born again uncle no one really likes at Thanksgiving dinner. A loud-mouthed sober fucker is not what complements Madden's meanderings best. A soft-spoken drunkard, like Pat Summerall, is your best bet, because the drunkard's mind understands Madden (which is probably why I don't think he sucks), but the soft-spoken nature doesn't create conflict with ol' John's stammerings.
#10: THAT SEAN TAYLOR TRIBUTE WAS FUCKING HOKEY - An obvious cheap ass motivational tactic, poorly executed, and failed since the Redskins still got their ass kicked. That's a shitty thing to do to your team too, Mr. Snyder, to lay that type of burden on their shoulders in front of the fans, and act nonchalant about it, like you're some sort of good samaritan. If you want to be a good samaritan, put your cockboy Cerratto to work helping the D.C. homeless, taking them into halfway houses, letting them play each other in Madden franchise mode, with the winners moving on to play other homeless people who have succeeded similarly. Then one of those guys could be your GM, because anyone who has played like three years of Madden in franchise mode would make a better judge of college talent than Cerratto. (To be honest, I was listening to this ceremony on the radio, and it almost made me cry, which is internet-talk for made me cry. But I had been up two nights straight drinking heavily, so my mental state was susceptible to cheap gimmicks.)
#11: FUCK ALL THESE WIDE RECEIVERS CELEBRATIONS - Santana Moss getting an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for acting like he won the Grammy for best touchdown ever was ridiculous, SINCE THEY WERE LOSING TO A TEAM WITH ONLY 1 WIN AT THAT POINT. I can tell you how every Santana Moss play will end visually. Either he will make a catch and do a very emphatic first down signal, even though he's about half a yard short sometimes, or he will look at the ref frustratedly demanding a pass interference call, because if he did not catch the ball, obviously something interfered with it. Also, I do not understand why Antwan Randle El does the "then the sun came up and dried up all the rain" hand gestures from The Itsy Bitsy Spider every time he catches a ball, nor do I understand why he will run 38 yards sideways, back and forth, to gain three yards on every fucking punt return he has ever done. Also, I do not understand how Vinny Cerratto does not realize that as you draft players, you pretty much take one draft choice every other year or so, and blow it on a questionable wide receiver or defensive back who has ridiculous speed for kick and punt returns. Your top four return men's average age should not be pushing 32.
#12: MAYBE SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT DRAFTING AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN AT SOME POINT - Average length of NFL service of the starters is like 10 years, so no wonder they are breaking down at an alarming rate at the end of the season. Also, Chris Samuels is the most overrated fucker they've had in my lifetime. If there is a penalty on the offensive line, 3 times out of 4 it is him, and two of those 3 times, it's a false start. I briefly convinced myself this year for about three weeks that Chris Samuels was actually great, just a dirty sneaky player, which was why he was so highly touted, and he always jumped the snap or held, so they had to call it every now and then. But after a couple more games of watching him hold his hands in the air with that scared mongoloid look as Jason Campbell crumpled under a blind side pass rush, I realized that no, he does indeed appear to be overrated as fuck.
#13: REDSKINS FANS ARE STUPID - This is in regards to that stupid Vote the Redskins Ticket internet campaign for the Pro Bowl. Shaun Suisham shouldn't even be the top votegetter on the Redskins roster for starting kicker, much less in the whole NFC. The fact that so many fans voted this shows not what great fans we are collectively, but how fucking twisted our priorities have become. What the fuck does it matter if we have 19 Pro Bowlers if they don't even contend for the playoffs? Is there a vote for a new owner somewhere? Can we do one of those useless stupid online petitions? There probably won't ever even be one of those disgruntled fan marches at FedEx Field either, like was seen in Detroit when Matt Millen was stinking up the joint, because everybody will have sold their shitty seats to Eagles fans on Stubhub. (Oh man, talk about degenerate fans invading a stadium. It was only a couple of years ago that Philly fans created so much of a ruckus at FedEx, cops pepper sprayed a bunch of people, and the spray wafted onto the sidelines of the field. With the Redskins pretty much dead at this point, jogging into the offseason at half-speed, and the Eagles coming to town next week, I would expect it to be chaos there. Which is another reason Redskins fans suck. Where are all the drunken degenerates to defend Redskins honor in the crowd? Players feed off fans feed off players, chicken and the egg syndrome. The first thing we can do as fans is to be loud, drunk, and unruly towards anyone in opposing colors. This should include violent and tasteless acts. One thing my high school football coach taught me was if you can't win the game on the field, you better at least win it in the parking lot.
#14: OH MAN, JASON TAYLOR - I don't remember what they traded for this fancy-footed piece of yellowboned shit, but if it was something more than a couple of cases half smokes and some tinfoil wrapped Ben's Chili Bowl chili dogs, it was too much. So in Miami, Parcels says Taylor is out of shape and too concerned about faggot crap like Dancing with the Stars (which oddly enough, is far less gay when Warren Sapp does it, although I never actually watched anything beyond the commercials) and wants to run Taylor off. The Redskins wait until they lose all their defensive ends, most of whom were not top-shelf to begin with, and get backed into a corner, and then trade something godawful I'm sure, to the Dolphins for a guy accused of not having his priorities straight. Jason Taylor goes on to prove those naysayers EXACTLY FUCKING RIGHT by having his worst injury-marred season ever. Again, I am sure Mr. Snyder will reward all of this with a $21 contract extension. By the way, not to go back to the same thing over and over, but probably maybe they should've thought about drafting a defensive linemen towards the top half of the draft. They have some decent low round guys making contributions, but these are the type of guys who should be coming off the bench to spell your studs, not actually, you know, start all 16 games. When stopgap measures are your first order of business, you are already fucked.
#15: CHRIS COOLEY'S BLOG - It is funny by the relative standards of it being a famous dude writing dumb shit. But it's not really that funny or cool, and I love Chris Cooley. You have to know the guy is working with a muzzle, or else he would've said some real shit at some point during this team meltdown. Perhaps if he said what was truly on his mind instead of these little fun mark ass NFL fan stories, it would be a great blog. The selling point of Gilbert Arenas's blog (which I'm assuming is the standard setter for such a thing, especially in D.C.) is that he will say whatever the fuck comes to his mind. You know who needs a blog? Clinton Portis. (Also, if either Tanner or Chris Cooley happen upon this doing ego searches on google, you should hit up your fans for designs for new Chris Cooley gear. That 47 CC logo you use is kinda wack. And any and all criticism of your blog is mostly offset by the fact you got that black Indian dude's tomahawk back to him.)
#16: SONNY JURGENSEN & SAM HUFF ARE THE BESTEST RADIO TEAM GOING - The only selling point for my stupid Sirius satellite radio now (since they dropped the old school rap station when they had their merger with XM so that both companies could only lose half as much money as they were before) is to listen to the home broadcasts of every NFL team (except the Titans for some reason). Having listened to most all of them at one point or another this year (usually multiple points honestly), there is no team better than the old coots in the Redskins booth. Granted, Sam Huff is half senile at this point, but luckily for us the listeners, the half of his brain that is lost to old age is not the hilarious half. Two weeks ago he was talking about some guy punched him or did something dirty like they had just seen on the game, and they were asking Sam what he would've done. Sam basically said, "I wanted to knock his block off. But I didn't see him again. And now he's dead and I'll never get the chance." Sonny, also an old coot, but with the mental acumen of a man half his age, holds it together. They have some play-by-play guy who's basically just there to make sure all the commecial things are said correctly and the gaps in the game are described as Sonny and Sam scoot off into their tangents.
#17: I CAN CUT FIREWOOD NOW - I have been putting off spending Sunday replenishing my firewood stack that went down quick due to the cold weather we've gotten early this year, but with the Redskins fucking terrible and no hope for the future, I can concentrate on cutting wood. I actually had to buy a couple of $50 loads of wood, so technically, in my mind, this shitty team owes me $100.
#18: MIKE SELLERS IS KING-SIZED - I know he fumbled in the end zone today, but still, this guy is one of the few rock solid dudes on this team. I have a friend - a fellow Redskins fan - who is having a son this spring, and he's already been looking at baby-sized jerseys to get the first young one. I would expect most of the star's jerseys will all be on different teams or disgruntled overpaid shitbags in a couple of years, who have either abandoned Washington or their passion for the game. But Mike Sellers is a different type of guy. Even if he is gone, he is a Redskin, or at least what I'd like to imagine being a Redskin is. Fuck, honestly, I guess after ten years of Dan Snyder, the realest true Redskin on the team is Jason Taylor. That's about as true as being a Redskin can be - overrated, making far more money than he should, and not delivering a fucking thing. But you want to have hope and not strap something so cynical on your offspring. You want to be able to tell them about the 3 Super Bowl victories, and give them pride in the burgundy and gold. You want to be able to relate where you were that day you heard the news that Dan Snyder's helicopter tragically wrecked into the icy Potomac River, and how when you were a kid you used to recreate John Riggins jersey-stretching run against the Dolphins in the Super Bowl in your back yard a thousand times over and over. So for the sake of the kids being born to unrepentant Redskins fans like myself, let's pretend Mike Sellers is the true epitome of what being a Redskin is. I am more than content with having three daughters and no sons, since all of them are healthy and beautiful little people. But I think about a son at times, and two things come up that make me glad I never had one - having to make a decision about circumcision (which seems stupid and unnecessary as fuck sure, but I probably wouldn't want my boy to have a funny-looking dick) and imparting in him my emotional attachment to the Washington Redskins. It fucking sucks to have yourself so emotionally involved with something that you have absolutely no control over whatsoever, and it gives you nothing in return other than little playoff appearance bones every four years that amount to nothing substantial. I am sick of this shit. I'd like to pretend I'm gonna take up tai chi stick fighting or something, but I know I'll be watching this bullshit till the miserable end. Even next weekend, if I'm cutting wood, I'll have the truck radio on the game. Fuck.