I was gonna do a wack-ass year-end wrap-up, but I liked Harpo's post a few below, I figured I'd just mimic his shit, and that way when I don't do shit to update, I can blame it on his lazy ass. He's Mexican, so we're lucky we even got one post out of his overweight half-drunk ass.
The quarterback position is one of great import in the NFL, and the Redskins have ran through starting QBs like '80s rappers ran through "Bruce Jenner" name drops when talking about running up into hoes, which was slang for sticking your dick inside them back in those days. We are full of hype and promise at this position, i I guess, with Jason Campbell on top of the depth chart. He seems like he could be good one day, but he also seemed adept at tossing stupid interceptions at the very end of games during possible game-winning drives, stuck in reverse Montana mode. He is young though, and a former high ass draft pick that we probably traded like 17 draft picks to the Denver Broncos to get, so they'll stick with him. I am down with that, although if he was a franchise superstar in the making, you would expect him to have delivered more after a year-and-a-half of starts than more promise. I wonder what his progression stat would look like in Madden. Maybe he can learn shit, and he seems like a nice enough dude, but who knows? The great excuse for him is that this past year was the first one in his entire post high school career where he had the same offensive coordinator two years in a row. I don't give a fuck personally. Throw a touchdown you overpaid motherfucker. (It should be noted the previous two quarterbacks drafted in the first round by the Redskins were Patrick Ramsey and Heath Shuler. Both of those went pretty well I'd say, if having your jersey replicas hanging unsold in Goodwills for $3 is a sign of pretty well.)
The aging wonder Todd Collins stepped up and made some great plays to help the Skins ride the Sean Taylor R.I.P. Heaven Needed a Hard-Hitting Safety & The NFL Needed a Sentimental Storyline Express into a sucky ass performance against Seattle in the playoffs. It has been well documented that Collins hadn't started a game since he played with Jim Kelly and Bronco Nagurski. Here's the thing about Collins - he has goat eyes, sort of poking away from each other. I'm sure this gives him superior field vision, but you can't trust goat eyes. Trust me, I've had goats. They are foul, unpredictable, asshole-by-nature creatures. You give them straw to sleep on and hay to eat and they eat all the straw and drag the hay into the rain to ruin it with mold and feces, then head smash you in the knee in anger for having allowed them to do something so fucking stupid. And when you punch them, their flat heads cushion the blow, they shake their head back and forth hilariously, and then get up on their hindlegs to do a dance of further head smash threatening. Then when you're not looking, they start eating one of your dreadlocks. Assholes. Collins had a great performance and made ESPN Sportscenter highlight feature clips galore, but fuck man, he basically came to the Redskins with Al Saunders, who he's had some sort of nefarious latently homosexual relationship for seven straight years, so he knew the offense. He's a free agent now, and I'm sure some other team may be retarded enough to throw money at him as if he's an undiscovered gem to be exploited, when in actuality he's an old dude who's been allowed one playbook for seven years, so he's competent. Also, I don't think there are more than one Dan Snyder owning teams in the NFL, so I doubt anyone else will throw giant money at him. Snyder will probably trade a second round draft pick to another team to re-sign Collins on his own. Which means a guy that was old and ugly who was our reliable back-up will, next year, be another twelve months older and uglier and holding the clipboard again, waiting for Campbell to get crumbled again during haphazard scrambles, to lead us to mediocrity.
Mark Brunell is the third string quarterback. If this old crippled conservative fuckface is still a Redskin by August I will be surprised. I never liked Brunell, as he was an old fuckface when he came here nine years ago. He also has grand designs on being a Republican Senator from Florida one day. Who the fuck thinks about shit like that? Like what kind of an asshole do you have to be in real life to be in your 30s and think, "Hey, I'm gonna be a Senator one day." No for-real laid back dudes think like that, no straight up bros who know the deal think like that. Fuck Mark Brunell. I hope his kids have godless mulatto babies who never register vote because voting is for sucks.
The Redskins also have some guy named Sam Hollenbach on their roster at QB, but I think he's one of those imaginary dudes created by the Madden computer who would've played in NFL Europa, but since that's gone, they just work at Applebees as a bartender and are Redskins only as practice squad members, which means they get to help the team practice, wash the uniforms, and they get free second tier seats to home games. Plus all the throwback Heath Shuler jerseys they want.
I imagine the Skins will stick with Campbell, which you kind of have to at this point, and he will be whatever it is he be's again. Collins will make an exorbitantly unnecessary amount of money to stand around holding a clipboard on the sideline, probably doing sudokus. And I'm sure since Brunell is supposed to make three million dollars as a useless cripple, they'll drop him and sign some other retarded washed-up quarterback to "compete" for the back-up job... like Damon Huard or Koy Detmer or some shithead like that. And we will again lead the NFC in pre-season "promise".
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