Dart Adams presents The Wild Card Report Day Two

For a change these NFL games air early on Sunday. I was happy because if they both ended up sucking then I had at least 5 hours to try to salvage my day in some way, shape or form. The first game of the day was the NFC matchup of New York Giants vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The last time Tampa Bay even won a playoff game was back when they won the Super Bowl (they won a Super Bowl? Where was I?) and the Giants haven't won a playoff game since they lost a Super Bowl. I immediately realize that we Bostonians are spoiled rotten and that this game deserved a new title. It was no longer the Wild Card Playoff Game...I hereby dubbed it The Ineptitude Bowl.

All of the analysts on both ESPN and Fox said that it was time for Eli Manning to step it up and finally win a playoff game (no shit!). They kept talking about how well he played in the Patriots game in Week 17 (a game he lost for his team with a late interception but whatever) and he should have confidence going into Tampa Bay. The game was going to be in Tampa Bay but it seemed people picked the Bucs just because they were at home and favored. They aren't too great of a team and they've basically taken off the last two weeks to rest up for the playoffs...I don't EVER remember that working in the history of professional sports.

The game started and it was clear from the outset it was going to be an NFC game (you know what I mean). Eli fucked up the first drive and had me yelling at the screen in record time. The Bucs jumped out ahead at the beginning of the 1st quarter but the Giants came back and scored to tie the game at 7-7. Eli looked like he knew what he was doing out there for a change. Then they scored again on a Brandon Jacobs dash to take the lead 14-7.

The Bucs weren't showing me a damn thing out there. The pass defense and pass rush was meh. They couldn't sustain a drive on offense and Garcia was turning the goddamn ball over (things he supposedly never did). I began to wonder who the hell Tampa Bay played that they got to host a playoff game if they're this lame of a squad? They were more affected by the heat than the Giants were...THEY PLAY FOOTBALL IN FLORIDA YEAR ROUND! Some much for home field advantage, huh? Imagine if they played in the snow.

Rather than continue writing about this bullshit game anymore I'll skip to the end. The New York Giants won 24-14 for the right to play the Cowboys in Dallas. As of right now, the Dallas Cowboys are a mixed bag, an unknown quantity. Which team will show up? Will T.O. be at least 75%? Will Tony Romo leave Jessica's ass at home? Considering that they haven't looked like the efficient machine they used to be for a month I'm concerned. Eli Manning finally won a playoff game by going 20-27 with an anemic 185 yards but 2 TD's and no intos. He STILL sucks, though.

The next game was so godawful that I spent much of the second half doing menial tasks to pass the time like cleaning out the refrigerator, changing light bulbs, throwing out old magazines and erasing bill collectors numbers from my phone's caller ID. When the game began they put up Vince Young's stats for the season and they were uglier than Condoleeza Rice's baby pictures. He'd thrown for 9 TD's and 17 INT's...how the fuck did they make the playoffs, then? I know they have a good running game but unless Barry Sanders jumped in a time machine with Gale Sayers and they are now in the Tennessee backfield, this game's gonna suck hard. Word to Karrine Steffans.

From the opening play, my suspicions were clinched. What the fuck was that? This team was clearly not supposed to make the postseason. They are the football version of McGyver. They won games by using aluminum foil, duct tape, gum, Elmer's glue, safety pins and twine. When I watch them play all I can that of are words old White guys use to describe that kid that sits at the end of the bench that never gets any burn.

Words like hard nosed, gumption, will to win, sticktoitiveness, drive, determination, hustle, heart, fire in the belly, etc. All of those things help when you have superior TALENT ON THE FIELD! I'd never heard of anyone on the squad except for Vince and Eric Moulds (who has grey in his beard?). They made a game of it for approximately 3 quarters before the game turned into a classic Roots album (Things Fall Apart) and the San Diego Chargers won this boring and drawn out affair 17-6.

Since both of these games sucked so badly, I felt that neither deserved pictures. Now it's on and the Divison Playoff matchups are set. Hopefully, this will be some compelling football. The Patriots will have to face the Jacksonville Jaguars and their punishing running game. It's all gonna come down to the defense having to force turnovers and the Patriots scoring quickly and early to force them out of their running game. Once Garard is forced to be a pocket passer, it's Assante and Rodney's game.

I'm looking forward to next week.

One.