The New Journalism Presents a Transcript of Bill Maher's Thoughts on Guns and Civil Liberties

 (As always, thanks to Gizoogle.net for breaking this down for the common man.)

Someone has ta tell Americaz glock nuts ta quit wettin they Army surplus baggy-ass pants bout losin tha Second Amendment.  It aint nuthin but not yo' Second Amendment muthafuckin rights dat is under attack; itz all tha other ones.

It used ta be dat law enforcement couldn't search you without probable cause yo, but now we're becomin a quasi-five-o state where one minute yo ass is home on tha fuckin' down-lowly readin 50 Shadez of Gay, n' suddenly therez a SWAT crew up in yo' livin room wavin guns.  And yo ass is going, "Fuck dat shit, no, Katt Williams lives next door!"

Now, last month, while no one was takin every muthafucka's glocks from anybody, tha Senate voted overwhelmingly ta reauthorize a program where they can collect data on any American playa hater n' hold onto it forever.  They can peep yo' e-mails, yo' texts, yo' Skypes, n' not a peep up tha crowd thatz always biiiatchin bout what tha fuck tha framers intended. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  In fact, tha answer from almost everyone seems ta be, "Oh what tha fuck tha hell, tha airport screeners have already peeped mah ass anyway."

Da Facebizzle generation, especially, don't seem ta care dat Big Brutha knows everythang bout you �" what tha fuck books you read, what tha fuck pornos you watch, yo' Match.com account, yo' other Match.com account when yo ass is feelin a lil freaky n' wanna hook up tha sort of biatch yo' regular Match.com account wouldn't approve of.

Call mah crazy ass oldschool school yo, but I don't want tha fedz Googlin what tha fuck I be Googling.  It aint nuthin but bad enough when Netflix pries tha fuck into mah private life.  "Yo ass watched Da Walkin Dead n' Zombieland.  Yo ass might also like dis rap battle wit Jizzy McCain."

(crew laughter)

I don't want tha posse bustin that, muthafucka!  "Yo ass downlizzleed dis article favorin tha legalization of da sticky-icky-icky.  Yo ass might also like bein incarcerated."

Yo ass know, they always say these programs is just ta catch terrorists.  Da next muthafuckin thang you know, they be rockin em ta shut down tha pot dispensaries.  And dat place was muthafuckin right on mah way home, muthafucka!  Now I gotta go ta Valley Village!

Doesn't every last muthafuckin muthafucka care dat dis is tha freshly smoked up normal, biatch?  I guess not, cuz glock nuts couldn't give a fuckin shit, n' neither do liberals.  When Bush did warrantless wiretapping, oh, he was wipin his thugged-out ass wit tha Constipation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  But when Obizzay do it, oh well, whatever helps Jizzica Chastain find bin Laden, we're phat wit that.

(smatterin of crew applause)

Yeah, both partizzles compete mightily ta step tha fuck up ta be tha pimped outer champion of our freedoms yo, but tha only muthafuckin thang dat still has bipartisan support up in Washington aint givin a shizzle bout privacy.

And when you rap ta tha NRA types, as I like ta do down at mah local moose lodge, they muthafuckin believe dat what tha fuck protects they muthafuckin rights aint laws, and courts, itz dat they gots a gun. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  They be thinkin thatz what tha fuck keeps tha posse from goin too far.  Without guns, Obizzay would become a emperor n' force everyone ta gay marry yo, but he can't cuz a playa up in Kentucky named Skeeter has a .22.

(crew applause)

Except that, you know, while you pimps was buyin glocks ta protect yo' other guns, sittin' up on tha porch there, waitin' fo' Obizzayz Negro Army ta come confiscate yo' weapons n' go all Django Unchained on yo' ass �" thatz when our crazy-ass asses lost all tha shiznit up in tha Bizzle of Rights, bout trials n' juries n' warrants.

Yo ass see, tha Redcoats �" they never wanted yo' gun. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  They wanted yo' liberty.  And thatz why tha Foundin Fathers holla'd you could have tha gun, dumbass, muthafucka!  And now tha only muthafuckin right our crazy-ass asses have left is tha guns, n' left not a god damn thang left ta bust tha glocks ta protect, muthafucka!  We're like a strip club wit a mazillion bouncers n' no strippers!