NFL 2012 Week 6: AFC & NFC South (2nd Quarter)

Here, I am busy at work being forced to do actual work stuff, so I will blaze through this like whatever. We enter the second quarter of the NFL season and my NFLuminati analysis. This time through, I break them down geographically, and the geographic direction with the lowest composite record right now in the NFL is the South divisions. That may seem odd as the only two unbeaten teams left (and #1 and #2 on the NFLuminati Index right now) are from the South divisions. But the rest of both of those divisions are a vast collection of turds, with only one other team even being at .500 right now. But let me save such analytics for the teams at hand…

#1: ATLANTA FALCONS (5-0, 1st overall) – The Falcons as well as the Texans are bearing false flags upon us all right now, to make us think they are legitimate contenders. But within the NFLuminati context, neither are. The Falcons are closer, with a longer tradition, and multiple playoff appearances, though Matty Ryan and Mike Smith still lack a playoff win. I could see the Falcons getting the rub of postseason success this year, perhaps even getting to the Super Bowl to lose to a more prominent team historically, but also there are some prominent historical teams in the NFC who would deserve that slot. The Falcons might be champs in a year or two, but they’ll have to show some merchandising skills and marketability in this postseason first, before that’s allowed to happen. As it stands though, with such a weak ass division, they will run up a ridiculous record most likely, with 13 or more wins seeming very likely at this point. So fantasy owners enjoy the Falcons, but Falcons fans, do not start to think it real because it will mean nothing come January of 2013.

#2: HOUSTON TEXANS (5-0, 2nd overall) – The Texans are the most false of flags that has ever been born. With Super Mario gone and now Brian Cushing on IR, the Texans will come unraveled in a realistic sense. The thing is, the AFC South is a fairly lackluster beast at this point, so even as they unravel, they should be able to stumble to dominance and a solid record which will probably allow them a first round bye in the AFC playoffs. And perhaps they repeat last year where they win a playoff game at home to start things off, just in the divisional round instead of the wild card round. But you put a team that doesn’t even seem real like the Texans, built upon false hopes and broken dreams, and they will be crushed in the light of the AFC championship. Or perhaps they are allowed to be crushed in the Super Bowl and try to spark passion in the state of Texas for pro football without a silver star. Who knows? But I know this – they ain’t winning no fucking Super Bowl, so get that out of your silly head now.

#3: TENNESSEE TITANS (1-4, 18th overall) – The Titans are not only horrible, but they are horrible without any real set direction forward. Mike Munchak has sort of done a bunch of stuff, but also none of it is sticking out because there’s so much detritus left from the past. Is Jake Locker healthy? What the fuck is up with Chris Johnson? Can anybody replace the douchebag swagger of Cortland Finnegan? Does anybody care in Tennessee about football anymore, pro or college? Why is this world all twisted over upon itself in such a crazy manner? Were the Mayans right? What the fuck yall?

#4: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2-2, 22nd overall) – Andrew Luck is the perfect goober-faced fuckwad for idiot Indiana people to love. I have done extensive research on American states, from the back seats of Greyhound buses, from overhead hot air balloon tours, from crawling through the intricate network of gutters that lie underneath 74% of America, and from lengthy discussions with global elite at corporate retreats in southern West Virginia where we are “reborn” through golden silk cushions meant to replicate our mothers’ wombs, and all of this has given me a deep understanding of how truly good living is in the different states. Indiana is the worst, barely edging out Maryland, and the two of them are far ahead of the distant third worst state of Connecticut. But Indiana and to a lesser extent Maryland are such shithole soul sucks that even saying Connecticut is #3 is not really fair to Connecticut. There should be like 9 more numbers in between to show the space. Maryland is a tightly packed weird little state full of old world flavors and D.C. suburbanism and other bullshit, so I can understand how shit would ferment there. But Indiana is a giant rural expanse. That should be the breeding ground of greatness. Instead the most ignorant, half-assed, disgusting people on earth – not just America, but the entirety of earth – have come to blossom all over that land. It’s sad, and pathetic, and makes me want to fight people because it’s wrong and one should always be motivated to fight wrong when it becomes evident.

#5: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-4, 23rd overall) – I do not care what happens with the Jaguars this year because it will just be more fuel for the Insane Wrath of (Shahid) Khan that will explode into lulz come the offseason, as well as the impending years ahead. It’s gonna be so great.

#6: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (1-3, 24th overall) – I was sad to see that Los Zetas leader Heriberto Lazcano was allegedly murdered by the Mexican Navy, because I had always hoped he would buy the Bucaneers and start calling them the Los Bucaneros. It is interesting that cables were leaked showing the American CIA has some sort of arrangement with the Sinaloa Cartel for bringing drugs into America and stifling other cartels. Not long after a CIA operative was killed in Mexico, the Navy suddenly finds and kills Lazcano, leader of the Zetas. I was heartened to see armed commandos were able to steal his body from the funeral home though, as most of those Zetas worship Santa Muerte so I am hoping this secret Civil War going on turns into zombies fighting CIA agents, in Mexico. When that happens, there is only one thing that can save us at that point. Do you know what that is? Ninjas. The 1980s taught me that. That is why I’ve dug out all my old ninja books, to re-learn my mental training and conditioning. Your best weapon against your worst enemy is inside his own mind. Peace.

#7: CAROLINA PANTHERS (1-4, 30th overall) – Remember when everybody was laughing at the Panthers for drafting Cam Newton because he wouldn’t translate to the NFL? And then remember when he was wildly successful statistically and led the Panthers to a 6-10 record, and that was supposed to be awesome? And remember how that all came crashing back to earth the following year, and everybody turned on Cam Newton and he started to seem pouty and angry? All of this is to show that Cam Newton is basically the new Michael Vick, but only like at one-quarter the status. On one hand, that means no dogfighting circles, but on the other hand that also means no playoff appearances. Stupid Panthers.

#8: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-4, 32nd overall) – Even with a win the Saints are the worst team in the league on the NFLuminati scale. They have been made the goat for Sheriff Goodell’s legal positioning against concussion liability. Drew Brees’ scar is actually where a microchip was planted into his brain, and he is a secret operative for the NFL who was meant to make the world happy with a post-Katrina New Orleans Super Bowl win, and now he’ll just kind of peter away his elder years as a really awesome QB for other younger QBs to make their name beating in football contests engineered to seem “classic”. See Aaron Rodgers last year, and Matt Ryan next year, for reference, although perhaps you cannot remote view the future like me. Take more B6 for starters, but not too much, because more than 300mg a day can be detrimental in the long-term. Also, do not use the activated B6 because the slow release into your bloodstream is fine enough. That’s a good first step towards remote viewing, is to start encouraging lucid dreaming. Learning to break the conscious/unconscious barrier can be difficult, and involves some complicated mental training, so I won’t get into that right now, but the B6 supplements are a solid first step. As well as magnesium, and eleuthro root powder. I take two tablespoons of eleuthro root powder and chia seeds every day in a bowl of homemade granola with a couple fat spoonfuls of active yogurt I buy from the Afghan market in town. But eleuthro root powder is a slow-working adaptagen, and you are probably just thinking, “I want to time travel, NOW” and not actually willing to put in the work necessary. Fickle fucking modern humans – no wonder you are confined to your simple three dimensions.