NFL 2012 Week 5: NFC North & West (1st Quarter)

I failed to update the NFLuminati Index last weekend when it was the turn of the NFC South and East, and have flailed this week with the NFC North and West, as two of the stupid Westeros teams have already played in some sort of abomination against “professional” football played on an amateur night upon amateur elitist networks not available to the common man who culls his television signals from the sky with divining rods. Fuck you NFL.


I doubt anyone noticed the absence of my posting the lists, as this blog is sometimes mistaken for a Detroit Lions blog, which partially is due to the wonderful work of Neil, who does the Lord’s work there is no denying. I sometimes dream we will be this generation’s HST/Zeta, but also I know that is stupid because we will be this generations me and Neil. Oddly enough I had a memory the other day that when I was in high school I did this weird comic thing called Birdman & Neil, which was a bearded hippie viking dude called Birdman and a stickman named Neil – and they did battle with evil police lieutenants and the first President Bush, all in the name of being high and free. I sort of realized that comic was prophecy apparently, and while that makes me happy, I also wish I had prophesied vast wealth as well, although wealth is a trick of the devil. You may have noticed the weird World Series of Poker post this week. Some shady fake robot emailed me asking if they could make a guest post for $200. I of course said yes. After harassing, they finally paid me, and then my wife was like, “Our electric bill is at cut off two days ago,” and I used the money to literally pay my electricity bill. We live in a culture where the oils of dead animals from ancient ages turn lights on inside my house magically. Isn’t that crazy? Anyways, I did not split the money with Neil like I had planned. So I worked a larger hustle with the robot scam casino demonoid thing, and did a second post at Armchair Linebacker’s brother site called Baseball Feelings, to hopefully get more money, and then be square with Neil, in my soul. I know he would not give a fuck, or he would at least claim to not give a fuck, but I felt wrong in my soul. And of course, after multiple harassings, I have not received my second payment from the robot PR department for some sketchy online poker casino.

The point here is my soul is one thing and money is another. My soul has trouble navigating money, as money is still an abstraction to me. I am too deeply powered by ancient molecules that do not recognize your modern “civilized” abstractions. It can’t be helped. But this line of introspective thinking by my white quartz rock viking altar in the fields behind my compound made me realize that’s what’s missing with the NFL in me now, and why I can move away from it. There is no soul left. Even in the past decades, the soul was low, and the money abstraction was a powerful prism for the entire industry to be seen. But there was still soul. It really seems Roger Goodell has killed it, choked the last little bit of life out of it. I guess it is time to start putting my energies to outlaw goat football even more strongly. I don’t know.

But nonetheless, I figured I would come here this morning and share the NFLuminati rankings, which were done before last night’s game, for this upcoming weekend of NFL foozballs. Not that you’d care, because I hardly mention the Lions and not until the end. If you are an asshole Lions clinger-on, let me be clear – your team is fucked. You may cling to the false hopes of your euphoric dreams of the past two years, but you are clutching lovingly at a dying whore, choking on a turkey bone lodged deeply in her throat. But we will get to that later. Let us start at the top…

#1: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (3-1, 2nd overall) – The 49ers are the defense on my lone fantasty team, and last weekend they scored me 40 points, ultimately winning my game for me. This is why fantasies are stupid, because they make you fall in love with things you should hate. The 49ers are a vile franchise, and this feel-goody aspect to them makes me uncomfortable. So I wish ill upon them all.

#2: ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-0, 3rd overall) – As you can see from my NFLuminati index score, they were still ranked only 3rd, and below the 49ers still. So them losing last night was not as shocking to me as it was to all the assholes being like, “CAN YOU BELIEVE THE CARDINALS ARE THE BEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL? THIS IS AMAZING!” No, it’s not. It’s the new NFL where dumb unexplainable and ultimately unmaintainable bullshit happens regularly. Talk to me in week 15, but even then what you think won’t matter. See Green Bay Packers 2011.

#3: CHICAGO BEARS (3-1, 7th overall) – Did you know Jay Cutler gets his powers from smoking cigarettes? Not normal cigs but organic tobacco grown by Sioux Indian shaman in secret fields buried underneath of Mount Rushmore, where the sunlight enters through the nostrils of white overlords of America. Jay Cutler looks smug, but he is tapped into some really dark native American black magic. This is going to make the Bears fairly amazing at times this year, but not completely, as Brian Urlacher is a cocksucker state trooper wannabe from New Mexico who is uncomfortable with magic shit, and really hates Indians to boot. This year’s Bears team is basically Urlacher and Cutler wrestling psychically for the soul of Julius Peppers, to see who controls the team’s destiny. The problem is mostly all Julius Peppers cares about is getting high and having sex with fat asses. A man certainly can’t be faulted for that, but it gets in the way of psychic destinies every time.

#4: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-1, 12th overall) – I still think the rise of the Vikings is a manipulated psychosocial trick to make the name “Christian Ponder” more prominent in time for the Presidential election. Problem is, Mitch Romney is not really a Christian, but a Mormon. Look, I don’t want to get all political, because I honestly could give a fuck if both those dudes’ planes fell out the sky today, but I would rather have a Black Muslim President than a White Mormon President. Sadly, there are no black Muslims running for President, only a mulatto demon puppet and a capital investment cyborg. Who do you hope controls the lifeless predator drones that kill the innocents of faraway lands? Choose wisely, because one day a faraway land will fly ninja assassin robots over America, and these days will not be forgotten.

#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-2, 14th overall) – Once I found out Aaron Rodgers was a Boyz II Men fan, he actually passed Tom Brady on my list of least liked QBs, only behind Peyton Manning at this point. But honestly, if Peyton was wearing the orange alternate jersey of the Broncos in a game against the Packers, I’d probably like him even better than Rodgers. I can’t emphasize how terrible that is for Rodgers. I hate Peyton Manning.

#6: ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-2, 17th overall) – The Rams have already won this week so this record is not entirely true, except I just put it on the internet so now it is true.

#7: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-2, 19th overall) – They have the worst uniforms ever now. In fact, those new Nike collars on the jerseys are horrible, horrible things. Have you noticed? Also fuck Nike for giving Oregon 17,000 uniform combinations, making that seem cool, and then every other college is like, “Hey, we should do the same!” but then they have to pay for it. Colleges who win 7 games a year if they are lucky spend more money on embroidering names on the backs of 12 different types of jerseys each fall than I make in a year. You may say, “Well Raven Mack, perhaps you should have chosen your career path more wisely.” But I say to you, I did choose wisely, and the path has not yet unfolded, and don’t come crying to me in the comments section when my menageries of wild corvids are pecking the thoughts from your brains once the wifi power grids have failed you.

#8: DETROIT LIONS (1-3, 26th overall) – I was hoping to build up to mocking you Lions fans in a mean-spirited way here at the end, but I can’t do it. I feel bad for you. You bought it. The NFL demon lords gave you brief hope, just to keep you strung along, after shaming you with the embarrassment of 0-16. And here you are, thinking “We can turn it around! Great things have been built!” And yet the truth is there. Matthew Stafford is no better than 14 other mid-level QBs in the NFL, who can be awesome one week, and then horrible the next, and mostly mediocre the following three. And without a single viable option around him, for as great as he is, Calvin Johnson is impotent, not even as great as Barry Sanders, as he can’t touch the ball as often as Sanders did. Megatron could be Randy Moss famous as a great WR, but instead he will be Larry Fitzgerald anonymous, and then fifteen years from now he’ll get into the Hall of Fame on his third try, and we’ll remember him well. Or maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he is Art Monked and lives into his 50s before getting to wear that gaudy yellow jacket. Who the fuck knows? I know this though – your Lions are doomed, by the league, and you were played for fools. And I feel sorry for you, because I know that game, and have been played for a fool for many years myself. I know how stupid you feel, even if you’re still not ready to admit it.