2011 All ACLB Team Linebackers

NEIL: LAMARR WOODLEY, LONDON FLETCHER, DAVID HARRIS, & JAMES HARRISON
Like I said, versatility is important, and it is with that in mind that I have compiled the perfect squadron of linebackers. We’ll start with LaMarr Woodley. Obviously, he is awesome. He is the Steelers designated quarterback assassin and he is damn good at it. But even more than that, people tend to forget that before he was terrorizing chickenhearted QBs with the Steelers as a linebacker, he was running down cowards and filthy degenerates like Brady Quinn as a defensive end for the Michigan Wolverines.
I know, I know, half of you are rolling your eyes and saying “Another Michigan dude? Come on, Neil . . .” but fuck that. I can’t help it if that is where champions and noble warriors are bred. But leaving my affinity for the maize and blue aside, doesn’t LaMarr Woodley make perfect sense in the context of what I have already laid out for you? I mean, he’s obviously awesome – the trail of dead and dying quarterbacks strung out behind him should tell you that – but he’s also incredibly versatile. If I need to, I can slide him up to defensive end, with The Great Willie Young on the other side, and Haloti Ngata and The House of Spears in the middle. Fuck you, squidmen, you aren’t gonna outmaneuver me.
And yes, I will admit that his maize and blue heart plays a part in my decision to add him to this team, but how dare you judge me for that. After all, when the shit gets bad I need my dudes by my side. I need men I am comfortable with, who are grown from the same soil that produced whatever the hell it is that I am. I grew up as a Son of Schembechler. I understand what lives inside of LaMarr Woodley’s soul. So, the real question you must ask yourself is how could I not pick him for this team? Search your heart and do not begrudge me my prejudices, for they are rooted in purity and light and they just may well be what ends up saving our entire species from the onslaught of the horrible squidmen.
London Fletcher is on this team because he is only, like, 5’2” or something and yet he has been awesome for over a decade. Fuck your 6’4” monsters with hearts of tin. I want this ferocious midget with a heart of fire and gold with me in the trenches. I am sure Raven can say much more than London Fletcher than I can and so I will let him say most of it. I’m sure he’ll pick London Fletcher. I’m positive. That’s how awesome he is.
David Harris is yet another Michigan Man and before you pelt me with garbage, consider the fact that he is the heart of everything good about the New York Jets. I know, I know, I have bitched long and hard about the Jets and I have already shamefully broken my vow twice over not to include any of those shitheads on my team, but fuck that, I see this as rescuing my boys, not rewarding the vile filth of Rex Ryan and company. Look at it this way: I am taking them away from the Jets, thus weakening the few things that prop up their bullshit kingdom. Rex Ryan is a fat fraud. He is a loudmouth who pretends to be a pirate, but when the time comes to swarm the enemy, his anus seizes up and he punts on 4th and 1 from the enemy’s 33. The only redeeming thing about this asshole is his foot fetish. The one thing everyone gives him shit for is the only thing I admire about him. So, the dude wants to fuck his wife and maybe suck on her toes? Big deal. I commend him for finding his old worn out wife beautiful. That’s true love. He’s not running whores or filming himself pissing on Jets cheerleaders or sexting dong pictures to everyone with long, blond hair and a nice chest (You don’t even wanna know about the pics Brett Favre probably sent to Clay Matthews, Jr.) No, all he’s doing is worshipping his wife and good for him.
But still, that is the only thing I find commendable about him. Everything else is bullshit. He talks and talks and talks but his team is never gonna win shit. That’s because deep down, Rex Ryan is a pussy who won’t let it all ride when he needs to. He’ll punt and then he’ll act like he won the Super Bowl because he beat Bill Belichick, and really that’s the whole problem with Rex Ryan. He creates these stupid melodramatic feuds that in the end are utterly meaningless. His team achieved an emotional high after beating the Patriots, and hey that’s cool. The only problem is that they still had a few games left to play. Oops. Rex Ryan’s job – his whole fucking point – is to make sure his team is ready to win when it matters the most. Did it matter against the Patriots? Absolutely. But it mattered even more the week after that and they couldn’t get it done. Why? Because they had already played their Super Bowl, only it wasn’t theirs, it was Rex Ryan’s. He beat Belichick and everyone supped on his balls that night, but what good did that do the team? Did it mean that they made it any farther than the year before? Nope. And that’s why Rex Ryan will never win shit. Because all he wants to do is prove infantile little points. He isn’t focused on the big goal. He’s just focused on measuring his dick.
And don’t even get me started on Mark Sanchez. That dipshit would be the quarterback for a 4-12 team if he didn’t have David Harris propping him up. Mark Sanchez had the shittiest completion percentage of any starting quarterback in the league. But . . . but . . . he wins big games! Fuck that. He’s there in big games. He’s present, just like the hot dog vendor. Good for him. David Harris wins big games. David Harris is the dude who lets jackoffs like Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez lap up the spotlight. He is the one toiling, propping up their false empire. The Jets know this. That is why they slapped the franchise tag on him. They need to keep him in indentured servitude because without him, they are just a dumb fucking zoo, full of stupid noise and disgusting monkey shit. Take him away and you just have Rex Ryan talking empty shit and Handsome Mark shaming the good name of Joe Namath. David Harris is on this team because he deserves it, because he goes to war every day even though he is surrounded by shitheads and loudmouth idiots. He props them up because he can’t not. He lets them have their glory because it’s not about them. It’s about him throwing every inch of his being into war. It’s about him fighting for a cause that’s bigger than Rex Ryan or Mark Sanchez. It’s about winning and it’s about being the goddamn best. That’s all David Harris cares about. You don’t see him playing the clown and acting the fool for all the New York media to jack off over. You just see him making plays and winning games. He is like the sun. It rises and it sets and you always know it’s there, even when you can’t see it. He will be with you until the end.
That leaves one spot left to fill, and I decided to go with James Harrison. I could have gone with Ernie Sims here, and I was tempted to pick the Lizard King because hey, the dude has a monkey and a fucking zoo in his own home. I love that dude. But he’s also kind of a crappy football player and when the squidmen come, I can’t have some dude who just wants to feed his iguana and then overruns a ball carrier and lets them score. Sorry, Ernie, but fuck that. I also could have probably picked Ray Lewis. That would have been the cliché pick here, you know? Seems like he’s crazy, possibly once stabbed a dude, blah blah blah, but there is something off about Ray Lewis. The whole crazy thing kinda feels like a bit of a front. It’s like he’s covering for something. I bet he’d talk mad shit to the squid people and then when the shit was going down you’d find him sneaking off to hide in his gold plated bathroom. Is he a warrior? Yeah, when it comes to simulated combat but I think in a real fight he would bitch out. Maybe he’s capable of stabbing a dude. Maybe not. I don’t know. But if he is, I bet it would be a quick shanking while his boys held the dude’s arms. To me that kinda sums Ray Lewis up, but fuck him, he’s not on this team so I’m not going to spend any more time on him than that.
So why James Harrison? Well, obviously he’s a damn fine player, but he’s also a player that came from nothing. He was just some piece of shit scrub coming out of college, training camp fodder who would bounce around for a couple of years before realizing that his destiny was to manage a Home Depot back home in Ohio, but fuck that bullshit. James Harrison wasn’t having that. Instead, he refused to say die and he fought and he fought and he fought until he became one of the most feared players in the whole NFL. That’s heart right there. That’s evidence of the warrior spirit which is so key to the makeup of this team.
And the reason why James Harrison is so feared is because he doesn’t mind hurting a motherfucker. Fine him all you want. He doesn’t give a shit. He’ll cut Sheriff Goodell a check right now and then he’ll piss in Pereira’s lizard face. Fuck your rules. James Harrison is there to win and the only way he can win is to intimidate the fuck out of the other guy and the only way he can do that is by hurting him. It is basic and it is brutal and the white bread NFL pansies might condemn him for that shit, but he is the real deal, out there on the front lines, destroying himself and others like some modern day gladiator for his freedom. He doesn’t care about the NFL or being a role model. He cares about cutting off the heads of his enemies, tossing them into the crowd and screaming “Are you not entertained!” He isn’t going to be afraid of either a squidman or some asshole fascist come to drag me away. He is not afraid of Roger Goodell and his goosestepping minions and so I feel confident that when the time comes, James Harrison will stand with me and he will fight to the bitter end because fuck everything else, sometimes that’s all that’s left. And that’s what this damn team is all about.



RAVEN: LONDON FLETCHER, LOFA TATUPU, JAMES HARRISON, & CLAY MATTHEWS JR.
I have flailed on maintaining the immediacy of what we are doing, mostly because I don't really care about football anymore. We started this right after the Super Bowl I think and now it's almost draft time, and I find it harder and harder to care about what happens to the Redskins. I kind of hope they just cancel football completely and it goes away. Which brings me to putting London Fletcher on my LB squad. Dude is too good to have had to deal with this Redskins bullshit, but I think it comes from being a Division III player who is considered undersized at his position. He's got low self-esteem like a fat chick, so he'll put up with an abusive team situation because hey, at least someone wants him. He is the best MLB in pro football as far as I am concerned. A few years from now, even more so than now, the MLB will be considered the QB of the defense, with the same elevated status, and they will look back at today's players for guys who made it such a thing, and London Fletcher will be considered one of the greats at making that transition. He is a coach on the field, and the day he retires or gets run out of Washington will be a really shitty one, because you don't just replace dudes like that.
Lofa Tatupu is a Samoan, and he is the son of Mosi Tatupu, who was the first Samoan football player of note for most of us. I have a Samoan fetish, to the point I have used India ink and sewing needles to tattoo little Samoan tribal designs up and down my dick. Thus Lofa is on the team because, even as a second undersized MLB type, fuck it, I want smart and crazy.
Speaking of crazy, if you do not put James Harrison on your LB squad of all-stars, you are a goddamned fool. Dude concusses motherfuckers. I know being considerate of neurological impairment is a buzz meme in NFL circles right now, in sports circles in general, but as long as football is allowed to truly be football, having a beast of a man who knocks the sensibilities and common logic out of opposing players will always be a plus.
And being I'm gonna round out the predominant races, might as well throw Clay Matthews Jr. in as our resident whiteboy, with the long hair and boyish smile who would get all the pussy that is afraid of being a groupie for all the other man-beasts on my All-Pro team. I actually like Matthews, and he almost made me overcome may irrational hatred of Aaron Rodgers to root for the Packers in the Super Bowl. In fact, he did. Somehow I was rooting for the crackhead guy who tried to kill my youngest sister in the Super Bowl. I am ashamed, yes, but that's what sports does to you. This is why sports is so highly encouraged in our American society - to compromise our morals and weaken our will to resist that which we know is wrong.


TOMORROW: Cornerbacks (plus some bonus James Harrison being awesome pictures below)