WEEK FIFTEEN SEMI-LIVEBLOG

Pictured: Long National Nightmare ending.

Once again, here we are, maybe even without me having to leave at halftime. The big stories are numerous: The hammer of a just and benevolent God destroyed the Vikings' stadium, so the game is now on the frozen Tundra of TCF Bank Stadium. This means that both teams will probably suck and become heavily injured. Also, Brett Favre just loves him some danged old football, so he ignored common sense and came back for one more game, which means he probably suck and become heavily injured. Also, the Vikings are starting a white guy with Adrian Peterson out, and the Bears could clinch the division with a win here. Let's do this and retire that old asshole.

FIRST QUARTER:

7:45 PM: They keep calling Favre "the ultimate warrior." I keep waiting for him to start screaming about crashing Hulk Hogan's plane and how queering don't make the world work. But my god, you can seriously hear the rapid breathing and little smacking noises from the announcers jerking off in the booth.

7:46: That was fast. Bear defenders are sliding around like it's human air hockey and are completely useless so far. Favre to Harvin, Bears 0, Vikings 7. Worst part is that I've seen enough games like this to assume that it'll be the Bears' offensive line that's getting pushed around like that in a minute.

7:54: The Bears have actually been non-embarrassing on offense so far, and actually dodged a couple bullets on that batted pass and the Earl Bennett fumble. Switching into full pessimism mode, this is a team that never recovers from things like that. Cutler remains unsacked, but for how long?

7:57: So many TV timeouts, and I guess enough time has passed since Penisgate for Brett Favre Wrangler commercials to air again. Makes sense, I guess, because at least he's actually done something. Dale Earnhart Jr. just sort of last-named his way to stardom. Fuck him.

8:00: Bah. Favre throws a pick, but Peppers jumped offside. Hopefully put the fear into him, though.

8:01 - Hahahaha, fuck you, Vikings. Henry Melton bats it in the air, Peppers intercepts. Bear ball inside the twenty, and FUCK YOU, FAVRE.

8:04: Bear offense starts to blow dicks, three and out, field goal, Robbie Gould. Bears 3, Vikings 7. And I am getting sicker than shit of that "roll Tide" commercial.

8:06: I think reality TV's recent obsession with pawn shop shows with titles based on plays on words involving porn should combine with their recent obsession for shows about little people and just make a show called "Midget Pawn."

8:11: Holy shit, did the Vikings' center think the QB was back in the end zone?

8:14: First and thirty? Fuck you, TOUCHDOWN. Cutler unleashes the dragon for the first time since Mike Martz figured out that the Bears can't block and Johnny Knox doesn't drop it. Bears 10, Vikings 7. I had almost forgotten that the Bears could do shit like that. This team might so legit if they had at least three NFL linemen. Meanwhile, the only way ESPN can praise Cutler is by comparing him to Brett Favre. Shocker.

SECOND QUARTER:

8:24: Chris Harris just SMEARED Toby Gerhart to force the fourth down. Things like that didn't happen with Kevin Payne or Al Afalava or any of the Bears' other recent strong safeties back there. Who, once again, were all playing back there because we traded Chris Harris for Adam Archuleta in 2007. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I think the Vikings might go for it? timeout. Huh. Nope, they punt, and kick it way out of bounds to keep it away from Devin Hester. Vikings fans boo that decision, because Vikings fans are dumb.

8:28: Bears go three-and-out, Corey Graham suplexes punt return dude out of bounds.

8:30: Despite being shoulder-ruined, Favre is doing pretty good so far. I wonder how much Vicodin that took.

8:32: Spoke too soon. FAVRE DOWN. Just seconds after I question out loud why they would pull Julius Peppers off the field on a passing down, Corey Wootton possibly becomes the Bears rookie of the year, casting the One Ring into the Cracks of Doom, and forcing a punt in the process.

8:34: Vikings fans still boo the punter for not kicking it to Hester. Are those people that fucking stupid? did they not watch the Eagles vs. the Giants?

8:39: Gruden or whoever that is just called Roberto Garza "Robert," which reminds me of the dumb whore at Taco Bell who, when we asked for salsa verde was all like "OH YOU MEAN GREEN SAUCE," possibly while putting a Sarah Palin bumper sticker on something. Meanwhile, Bears are driving and Brett Favre has a head injury. Good times.

8:42: Touchdown pass to Devin Hester, and the Bears just marched smooth the fuck down the field in the manner I'm used to seeing teams do to the Bears after last week. Bears 17, Vikings 7. And holy shit, you can just hear the lack of life in the voices of the announcers now that Joe Webb is going to be the dude for the Vikings.

8:45: THE JOE WEBB ERA BEGINS.

8:47: THE JOE WEBB ERA GOES THREE-AND-OUT.

8:50: These idiots are STILL booing the Viking punter dude. Seriously. HE IS DOING THE RIGHT THING, YOU FOOLS. Right after Mike Tirico says something like "maybe the Vikings defense can make a play here," Forte straight-up trucks a dude for a first down. Awesome. Meanwhile, a Viking that I have no specific gripe against gets hurt, forcing a commercial. Poor guy.

8:55: Eric Frampton stops Chester Taylor for a loss. FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE! HAW! Two-minute warning.

8:58: Devin Aromashodu catches a long touchdown to prove that he still exists, but offsetting penalties cancel it out. I'm assuming Aromashodu goes back to the Lovie Smith Doghouse now.

8:59: Thanks to J'Marcus Webb's grabby hands, there'was no touchdown, and now Cutler throws a pick. Fuck.

9:01: Apparently, the uncalled helmet-to-helmet hit on Cutler during the INT has him bleeding on the sideline with trainers checking him out. But he didn't have to be helped off the field, like that pussy Favre.

9:05: The dude Favre is next to on the sideline looks like former WCW wrestler Hugh Morrus. I wonder if that guy is dead yet.

9:07: Joe Webb's Hail Mary toss gets swatted down in the end zone; halftime.

THIRD QUARTER:

9:22: Fuuuuuuuuuck. Hester finally gets the ball and comes 5 yards short of being the NFL's all-time kick return TD leader, like we all figured he'd have done in 2008. Sooo close. Dang.

9:24: Three and out. Shit. Field Goal. Nice. Bears 20, Vikings 7. The illegal stream I'm watching is from some European channel, and I'm occasionally getting bits of the satellite feed that I'm not supposed to be seeing, and one of the announcer dudes was just all, "I was wrong. My math was wrong." Now, I'm wondering what math was wrong. This is going to screw with me for the rest of the night.

9:30: NOW DO YOU SEE WHY HE WAS KICKING OUT OF BOUNDS, YOU DUMBASSES!? Devin Hester runs back the punt, that's number fourteen, that's NFL goddamn history. Hells yeah. Bears 27, Vikings 7. Apparently, in addition to moving into sole possession of first place all-time for total kick return TDs, Hester's tied with Brian Mitchell for first all-time in punt return TDs, too. Maybe they'll kick to him again? If they don't, those idiot fans better not boo the punter. Fools.

9:34: Man, this crowd is DEAD now. It would be sad if it weren't so... delicious.

9:35: Vikings get a huge gain when Percy Harvin pushes off on Major Wright, but falls down in the process, tricking the half-retarded refs into thinking Wright interfered. Stupid refs, but maybe this is payback for the 3,986 weird calls they've made in the Bears' favor this year. Another couple plays and the Vikings are knocking on the door.

9:37: Oh snap, Joe Webb scrambles for the TD. Maybe the Joe Webb era really does begin? Bears 27, Vikings 14. Major Wright is down, further advancing his case as the new Mike Brown. Shit shit shit.

9:41: Okay, NOW, it's 27-14. Damn delayed extra point. Can't kick away from Hester on a kickoff, though.

9:43: Okay, you kick away from Hester by kicking when he's not physically on the field. No matter, though; Danieal Manning makes like a 40 yard return.

9:45: I just realized that Cutler hasn't been sacked yet. Whoa.

9:48: After a drive where Cutler was a fucking SURGEON, Rashied Davis gets the TD, to remind us all that he also still exists. Bears 34, Vikings 14, and this is back to not being much of a game. The double-edged sword of football fan blogging is that it's way less interesting when things are going right, but only a fool would hope for things to go badly for better typing material.

9:54: Joe Webb has a good arm, but he just can't seem to - OH SHIT DID HE JUST PUKE RIGHT THERE ON THE FIELD? I had to have just seen that wrong.

10:01: The Bears march, but it stalls out and they settle for the field goal. Bears 37, Vikings 14. It's seriously getting hard to make this interesting, so here's an Overkill video.



10:04: After a big kick return by Lorenzo Booker, the Vikings are in good shape. The quarter ends, and you can hear Mike Tirico going "jump in, I thought you were going to add something there." I still want to know what math he got wrong.

FOURTH QUARTER

10:08: Toby Gerhart fumbles, Nick Roach recovers. This is getting really close to being over, aside from there being over 10 minutes left to play.

10:12: Wow, the Bears go with the shotgun formation, which is theoretically to protect the QB, but Cutler finally gets sacked. J'Marcus Webb was the guy who allowed it, and seriously, this shocks no one. I still like the idea of drafting a 6'8" 350 pound dude in the seventh round, but he has been awful all year. We seriously need to abandon the "eh, let's just star whoever's left" approach to the offensive line next year.

10:18: Right as I'm about to think of something to type up about Joe Webb not doing too bad for an injured rookie, Chris Harris picks him off. Chris Harris rules.

10:22: Shortly after I bash the dude on the internets, the ESPN announcers are spending like 15 minutes praising J'Marcus Webb, proving that they don't actually watch football. I keep hearing a dude in the crowd going "HOOOOOOOOO" like Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Robbie Gould kicks a field goal, Bears 40, Vikings 14, and holy shit, the Bears NEVER score forty. Like never ever ever. Reality itself has been cloven in twain.

10:33: Seriously, I am barely paying attention to this right now. Be back later with the final score.

10:44: Bears 40, Vikings 14. Division Champions. Bitches.