(Still) Not Dead Yet

Scene from the classic cinematic comedy, "Monty Python And The 49ers' Playoff Chances

Well, it took a mere 14 weeks, but the 49ers finally played a complete game last Sunday, pushing the Seattle Seahawks down into the mud and stealing their bicycle with a mighty shove and an emasculating "haw haw" as they pedaled off to the tune of 40-21. It was, dismal disappointment that this season has been, heartwarming to see the 49ers actually put right what went so pants-shittingly wrong in week 1 and beat Seattle as they should be beaten every week (although, can't that be said about all four teams in that adorable short bus we call the 2010 NFC West?). Week 1, in Seattle, was where this presumptive division champion season and return to kinda-sorta-not-really glory was supposed to start and where it all started to go up in smoke, and unfortunately, the rightness of beating Seattle in week 14 does not undo all the wrong that started with losing to Seattle way back in September. But hey, when Vernon Davis runs over people for 50 yards and a TD, Brian Westbrook runs past people for 62 yards and TD, Josh Morgan runs through people for 12 yards and a TD, and just about everyone in the secondary picked off Matt Hasselback at least once, and damn it all, even Alex Smith only got booed for throwing an incomplete pass a couple times (and not at all after the first quarter), well, it just feels GOOD to watch your team beat the ass of somebody else's team, even if it does hint at What Might Have Been But No Longer Can Be.

Well, no, not quite that. But these days, merely getting into the playoffs would be nice.

But, like the infamous Backdoor Cover which strikes fear into the heart of every NFL gambler (for entertainment purposes only), I can't help but think Too Little, Too Late. Even this win puts the 49ers at 5-8, which means even the best case scenario of winning out -- or "run the table" as goes the pre-written line football players like to recite when getting through that annoying post game press conference as quickly as possible and move on to soothing the pain in their body via a bathtub of ice or perhaps a hooker or two, depending on what position they play -- even in that best case scenario, the 49ers still can NOT have a winning season (although they can make the playoffs. LOL. Seriously folks, find yourself a West rooting interest. Adopt an NFC West team as your second team today; it WILL make football more amusing for you, guaranteed).

But they most likely won't, because the 49ers would have to play two good games in a row. They would have to do so in the span of Four Days. And because the second good game in a row in a span of four days would have to come against the Chargers. They play the Chargers. In San Diego. You know, the team with THIS GUY on it:

No, Philip, smugly taunting someone by pointing your finger and shouting
"SCOREBOARD!" doesn't work when you do it to the referee.

on their home field.

Now let me say, I don't like Thursday games. Thanksgiving is one thing, that's cool, because that's the result of a tradition that evolved organically. Non-Thanksgiving Thursday Games are a cynical attempt at manufacturing a fake tradition in the hopes that we fans, who already spend 100s of dollars on tickets and jerseys and parking will spend even MORE money on football buy buying the NFL's own special little in-house non-stop commercial er I mean television network which I'm sure has full journalistic license to publicize and cover important newsworthy events even if they don't fit the message of The NFL Brand or, horror of horrors, actually reflect poorly on it. Also, the teams that have to play in these Thursday games are completely fucked out of half a week of practice and, perhaps more importantly, time to recover physically from the pain of actually playing football. There's a REASON football is once a week and has so many fewer games than our other major sports. 82 games like basketball? 162 games like baseball? Players would DIE. Like, all the time. "P.U.P.: Deceased" would show up on EVERY injury report. Jay Glazer would have to read the names of special teams gunners In Memoriam on FOX's stupid pregame show like George Stephanopolous does for servicemen on Face the Nation or Meet The Press or whatever ABC's version of that is. Brett Favre's recently ended streak would be even MORE impressive and people would be even LESS inclined to shut up about it. In other words, it would be a horrible world that no sane mind would ever want to live in. Sunday to Thursday is right on the cusp of playing Football at a Basketball rate, and having two teams do it ONCE every year is quite enough.

So I have plenty of legit reasons to object to my team of choice being scheduled for a Thursday game, and can point out that the fact it plays into all their weaknesses as an inconsistent/bad team (short week, on the road, injuries, they're trying the whole Alex Smith thing again, the other team's actually GOOD, blah blah blahbbity blah) are purely coincidental, and/or they could just as easily lose this game on Sunday, why make them play it now?

But of course, I will tune in tomorrow night, and I will hope they win, because, hey, what else am I going to do, get my Christmas shopping done early? HAH.

Besides, win or lose, at least Philip Rivers won't be making cocky
faces like this after MISTER PATRICK WILLIS introduces himself.
Seriously though, don't you just want to punch that face?