WEEK 12 Semi-Liveblog

Me, right now.

3:16 PM - I had big plans to watch this on the TV and maybe do bloggy things as they happened with the laptop, but no, I have to live in a stupid college town, so after hearing about how Bears vs. Eagles was "america's Game of the Week" all day, the actual game on Tv is the Rams vs. someone else, because of stupid Sam Bradford and Oklahoma fans who think what he does as a Ram is somehow relevant to their stupid probable-Cowboy-fan interests. So I'm left at the desktop PC, listening to the WBBM radio feed while desperately trying to hunt down a way to watch the game through nefarious internet means. Nothing is working so far, so this is looking like it'll just be my reaction to the stupid audio.

FIRST QUARTER:

3:20 - Israel Idonije saks Michael Vick, three and out, fuckers. I think one of the things that's helped the Bears' defense be as good as people have always said they were this year has been letting dudes like Izzy, Henry Melton, and Danieal Manning play one position and stay there, instead of this "oh, this week, we want you to gain 30 pounds and play tackle" crap. Still no TV feed.

3:22 - All the illegal TV-watching sites want you to register and log in now, and fuck that, because I'm not gonna get my name put on some FBI/Roger Goodell watch list. Offsides on Omiyale. Shocker there.

3:23 - Trent Cole beats Omiyale for the Bears' first allowed first sack of the night, possibly one of many. And DeSean Jackson damn near runs back a punt. Shit, man.

3:26 - Eagles driving, but I might have a TV link.

3:27 - I get a TV feed, just in time to watch the Eagles kick a field goal. I have to turn the radio feed off, because the two don't sync up at all, and it's really screwing with me. Not like back in the day when Jeopardy would be on two channels with a 30 second delay, and you could walk into the other room and just nail some question about 14th century France, to the amazement of anyone who didn't know about the other channel. Bears 0, Eagles 3.

3:33 - MATT FORTE

3:34 - Cutler does some needle-threading shit to hit Earl Bennett in the end zone. UP YOURS. EAGLES. Bears 7, Eagles 3.

3:37 - So many Tv timeouts. The feed I'm watching has this "in case the NFL shuts this down, check my Twitter, bla bla bla," message, so I opened that, in case something happened, and man, his picture is on there, and this dude looks like the world's giantest douche. Like I bet he goes to Walmart just for hanging-out purposes, and he wears sunglasses despite being indoors, and he has a cup from McDonalds in his hand the whole time, because in his world, that's what makes you awesome. He probably owns Affliction shirts, or maybe even "MMA Elite" Affliction knockoff shirts.

3:41 - Oh man, Bears are swarming the hell out of Vick right now. Two sacks so far, and when he finally broke away from the would-be third one, he didn't get much from it.

3:46 - Devin Hester = awesome. Chester Taylor = Pretty non-awesome.

3:47 - Cutler to Knox, you bitches. Between the dude who's playing in Asante Samuel's place slipping on this play and Desean Jackson falling down that other time, Soldier Field's shitty turf is the Bears' 12th man today. Bears 14, Eagles 3.

3:50 - They keep pointing out how deep the Bears' safeties are lining up, and that's probably a harbinger of doom for later. Such is my pessimism.

3:53 - Oh wow, in the coordinator showdown, Bears defense vs. Eagles' offense is Rod Marinelli vs. Marty Mornhinweg. So much shame and failure. And that's the first quarter. I just got informed that we're gonna go eat at some point, and food trumps internet sometimes. So I'm gonna publish this now, with possibly more to come.

SECOND QUARTER:

3:56 - First and goal and Julius Peppers didn't bother to murder Michael Vick on that reverse. Shit.

3:59 - After Chris Harris juuuust misses a tipped ball by Urlacher, Dog-Hitler hits Maclin in the end zone. Assholes. Bears 14, Eagles 10.

4:01 - Between Hester, Danieal Manning, Johnny Knox, and like five other dudes, the Bears have the greatest collective of kick returners in the universe.

4:03 - As the announcers talk about how awesome Mike Martz is and how well, the Bears are doing lately on offense, the Bears burn a time out because they couldn't get lined up. The jokes write themselves sometimes.

4:04 - NFL shuts down the stream. Shit. Using backup link. Waiting for god-damned commercial to end. A commercial truly damned by god.

4:07 - Shittier stream located, as Corey Graham conducts himself in an unsportsmanlike manner on a punt. Apparently Cutler was sacked again, and this is starting to look like the 2010 Chicago Bears again.

4:13 - Eagles drive way the hell down field after a few shitty coverages and an uncalled holding penalty on a Danieal Manning safety blitz, but The Uberklaw, having remembered last week what it was like to tackle a quarterback, finally says "fuck this" and sacks Vick for a million-yard loss. Eagles setttle for a field goal. Bears 14, Eagles 13.

4:17 - Third sack of Cutler, after the line literally intentionally opens up to allow an Eagle dude through. I wonder if Cutler owes Olin Kreutz money.

4:18 - Sack #4. I wonder if Cutler killed Kreutz's father. Sweet lord, the Bears have like minus-18 yards this quarter.

4:24 - Remember the thing about the safeties lining up way back? Well, Vick is absolutely butchering the Bears with shorts passes in front of those guys. Goddammit, Rod. I think Manning just did some Arn Anderson "single out a body part and cripple it" shit on LeSean McCoy's arm.

4:28 - TV timeout, and I'm just gonna take this time to say that with the way the Eagles' offense is just driving downfield at will and the way the Bears' offense is bumbling around like a bunch of retarded zombies, the Bears are going to have to run back hella-kickoffs to stay in this one.

4:31 - Oh hey, remember how michael Vick hadn't been picked off this season? CHRIS HARRIS PICKS IT OFF IN THE END ZONE. Eat my shit, you dog-killing cocksucker. Lick my balls. Could have gone for a TD, but Harris is way, way, wayyyy slower than LeSean McCoy.

4:32 - Oh hey, they remembered about the whole offense thing. Bears are in the red zone after a few big passes, and would be a lot closer if Earl's foot had been like one inch the other way. I almost typed "whore offense thing" just now.

4:36 - Suck it, bitches. Earl Bennett scores, just one play after the two suck-ass announcers say the refs made a good call not calling pass interference when the Eagle DB covering Earl basically just blocked, held, and maybe even stabbed him, while never looking for the ball. Cutler is up to three TDs and no picks so far. Nice. Bears 21, Eagles 13.

4:43 - Aaaand Halftime. A good halftime.

4:47 - Real life happening, involving free food. When next we speak, the game may already be over. Such is life.

THIRD QUARTER:

5:00 - Still here, but not for much longer. Bears drive, Olsen scores, Cutler ties career single-game high for TDs. So many Eagles fans are beating their wives right now, but their wives beat their children before the game, so that makes it semi-okay. Bears 28, Eagles 13.

POST GAME:

6:58 - Hahahahaha awesome. Bears 31, Eagles 26.