It has taken me a while to get around to writing this week’s game’s recap, not because I am on suicide watch because the Redskins lost to the Lions, or am up in arms over alleged QB controversies. Really, I’m just out of whack. I kinda went on a heavy bender to start the weekend, and realized all the drunken talk and antics and near fights with punk asses and trying to fuck MMA chicks from West Virginia, it was all things I had seen and done before. I am not one to keep going down the same goddamned road, over and over, so I’ve been thinking perhaps it’s time to quit drinking. This is the same way I thought when I quit smoking weed one time, and quit doing LSD years ago, and quit fucking trannies in college. You just get to a point where the novelty of a penis to suck and vagina to fuck on the same person gets repetitive and unexciting. That’s life. We, as humans, must be open to these realizations and make the necessary changes to keep our dicks hard for life.
Anyways, the quitting drinking as well as catching some virus while standing around for 19 hours to let my kids see the President live in person last weekend to start my binge, it’s got me fevering the past two days, cuddling under the comforter for warmth, taking wild lettuce tincture to try and sleep a peaceful sleep without these demon dreams of being caught by secret service pygmies on a viking ship sailing in an ocean, but my GPS course-tracking bullshit software is showing me we are going on a giant spiral, at the beginning of some sort of vortex into our death, and I am trying to reason with the secret service pygmies in their black suits, but they are not hearing it, thinking I’m trying to trick them into putting down one of their dart guns, which one of them told me is tipped off with autism-tainted vaccine, but works on adults and not just unsuspecting babies.
The game itself was what I expected. Seriously, I knew going in they would lose to the Lions; it made perfect sense. And when this team was 1-2, I told myself and all my drunk friends, if we were 3-5 at the bye week, we’d be lucky. And essentially we have been very very lucky. But when you rely on luck to win games, eventually it turns on you. Calls don’t go your way and balls don’t bounce into your hands. So I dropped the positive/negative to 3/4, because there’s more to not like on this team than like. But if you didn’t know that coming into this season, then you were duped by Dan Snyder yet again, to really even think we were only one or two pieces away from playoffs. Lololol. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to be a sad sack hopeless wretched of the turf lot like the Lions fans, who always assume the worst is right behind the next TV timeout, even though the game is blacked out locally, than to be a Redskins fan who so desperately wants to be a Super Bowl contender again that every year we naively believe the media lies that we are better then last year, only to come crumbling back to earth as another Dan Snyder sand castle of a franchise is crushed under the weight of real football. Oh well, here are the positive/negative ratings for this past Lions game…
THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: PR/KR Brandon Banks. In a game that looked more like a Madden football punt drill than anything else for the first half, it only makes sense that a special teamer would get my highest rating. And that little speed ninja B-Double was already on my favorite of the game list before he ran that kickoff back. Seriously, for like four years I’ve been bitching about how EVERY OTHER NFL TEAM IN THE PAST 10 YEARS takes a flyer either late in the draft or as an unrestricted college free agent in camp on a WR/CB/RB/S who can fucking fly down the field after catching a punt or kickoff. They finally do it, and we have our first legitimate return man since Brian Mitchell who does not subscribe to the Antwan Randle El/Santana Moss “19 yards sideways and 4 yards forewards is kinda like a 20 yard average, right?” mentality of returning punts.
SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: Radio Man Sam Huff. My newfound sobriety had me outside building towers from scrap metal all Sunday morning after chopping an acre of wood and building plastic covers for the arugula and winter spinach gardens, so I listened at the radio call for the first half. Nothing makes a terrible game more enjoyable than Sam Huff’s hilarious punch-drunk senility and Sonny Jurgensen’s self-righteous old schoolisms. Nothing. Sad thing is Mr. Jurgensen is in cahoots with Dan Snyder, and you can kinda see that Sonny has little patience for Sam Huff this year, even more so than usual, and they are setting up retirement for Huff come season’s end. Fuck that. Sam Huff, even senile and not understanding the rules anymore, is still better than anything out there. Unless they get Dexter Manley to replace him. I can live with that.
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: DT Albert Haynesworth. You know, the past two weeks, Albert Haynesworth has shown up at times and been a dominant force. Shit, last week he got a sack by tossing the offensive lineman into Jay Cutler. I hope to see more of this beastly play from the rich dude with 9 paternity suits to settle, because this defense is more smoke-and-mirrors than the meat-and-potatoes I was talking about a few weeks ago.
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: CB DeAngelo Hall. I fully expected Hall to completely fuck up after having that monster game against Chicago, but he still snagged a key INT. Calvin Johnson did run wild for 3 TDs, but still, Hall kinda halfway did okay, sometimes. I fully expected his ego to take over everything from his waist up, and cause him to fall on his face like he was playing in rain, but he did not. And honestly, Hall is one of the better open field tacklers the Redskins have in the secondary, which is probably not so much a compliment to him as a giant fucking problem for the rest of the team.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: Head Coach Mike Shanahan. I am not going to throw Shanahan under the bus for McNabb benching brouhaha like the rest of the world. Mike Shanahan is a man with a mouth that looks like an anus, and you do not grow elderly looking like that without knowing how to put a plan in motion. I think the thing people need to remember is this team fucking sucks. There is no real offensive line, nor defensive line appropriate to the 3-4 in place. I mean, we’ve had platoons of two at two separate starting O-line positions DURING GAMES for more than half of the half-season. That is not a foundation on which QB uprightliness is built upon. Still Shanahan gets Zorn Eyes from time to time, and that freaks me the fuck out. I never really liked Shanahan before, usually libeling him as a chronic child molester, but he is the coach of my favorite team, so now I have to pretend to get along with him. And I hope he is as good as he is explained to be and thinks he is. Although at the same time, in the past fifteen years, I’ve seen a lot of things Redskins-related that tend to think a lot higher of themselves than they show theyselves to be, so we shall see.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: QB Donovan McNabb. Donovan McNabb should thank his goddamned gods, whoever they may be, that the comically terrible Rex Grossman is his back-up. Because McNabb has sucked this season. And yeah, part of that is the O-line, and thankfully McNabb is not gimped out completely so he can bounce around a little and make things happen sometimes. But McNabb also regularly overthrows long passes and misses short passes and looks like he’s not quite focused when, you know, it’s a 2-minute drill or something and you need to be focuses. Really, it’s hard to fault McNabb, because he comes across at this point like that one token black guy in a college frat, like the one Brother in Theta Chi, who has his pick of the pussy but is well-spoken enough to be a successful lacrosse player and impress others enough in a button-down shirt that the older racist white men consider him “one of the good ones.” McNabb is not mired in negro thuggery or wanting to be in rap videos. He’s a dude who wears polo shirts and docksides and knows where you can find the best sushi at, not a football beast. Still though, holmes has left me wanting something more during most games this year.
THIRD DEGREE NEGATIVE: OC Kyle Shanahan. I am not blaming Papa Mike for the Donovan McNabb nonsense, so much as his boy Kyle. This is because the entire reason Rex Grossman is here in D.C. is because he was the back-up last year in Houston under Kyle Shanahan’s vaunted offense. (Remember that crazy offense in Houston that had that awesome playoff run and was tearing defenses straight the fuck up? Yeah, me neither.) Rex Grossman getting run out onto the field to be ménage-a-raped by a pair of unemployed crackhead Lions D-linemen to cough up the ball into the netherworld and allow Ndonkeykong Suh get a glorious “rumbling, bumbling, stumbling” TD return to make himself believe he is the NFL elite (and this shit is 90% psychological anyways), shit man, anybody who has ever watched a Rex Grossman game could’ve called that. Maybe not that perfect, but something along those lines. It’s scientific. But Kyle Shanahan has that coach’s ego, kinda like a woman, where they think they can take something completely fucked and broken and fix it into something perfectly fine for everybody else to be jealous of. Well fuck you Kyle Shanahan. Rex Grossman is so goddamned stupid and sucky it has you looking over Jamarcus Russell’s fat ass in a Tuesday tryout.
FOURTH DEGREE NEGATIVE: owner Dan Snyder. And really, would any of the QBs be as bad as they are if it wasn’t for them playing for a team that didn’t really draft any offensive or defensive linemen for years, and the ones they did pick were not good. Would a guy like Anthony Armstrong out of the Intense Football League make the roster if any of the 7 receivers drafted had not been busts or cripples or both? And yet after propping #5 up in front of the Redskins media this past April, Mr. Snyder was all too quick to bust out his “all the pieces are in place, are you in?” ad campaign to sell club box seats, even though there’s allegedly a 39-year waiting list for season tickets. Man fuck you Dan Snyder. During this relaxing bye week, it is important for Redskins fans everywhere to remember what a giant fucking pox you have been on our lives, so that once we move into November where we tend to play our last meaningful games of the football year, we can properly direct our hatred not at Albert Haynesworth or Donovan McNabb or Mike Shanahan, but at your fucking little-dicked powermongering idiotic fat kid from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure ass, who stole our awesome burgundy and gold bike, and ruined it. RUINED IT!
Season-to-date totals: LB Brian Orakpo (+13), LB Lorenzo Alexander (+12), LB London Fletcher (+11), S Laron Landry (+9), TE Chris Cooley (+8), PR Brandon Banks (+8), WR Anthony Armstrong (+7), RB Ryan Torain (+7), RB Clinton Portis (+4), LB Chris Wilson (+4), K Graham Gano (+3), GM Bruce Allen (+3), radio man Sam Huff (+2), LB Rocky McIntosh (+2), S Kareem Moore (+2), DE Philip Daniels (+2), CB DeAngelo Hall (+1), P Hunter Smith (+1), CB Phillip Buchanon (+1), head coach Mike Shanahan (even), T Trent Williams (even), WR Santana Moss (even), DC Jim Haslet (-1), fan Raven Mack (-1), WR Malcolm Kelly (-1), S Reed Doughty (-2), P Josh Bidwell (-2), OC Kyle Shanahan (-3), QB Donovan McNabb (-4), CB Carlos Rogers (-4), DT Albert Haynesworth (-6), T Stephon Heyer (-7), and owner Dan Snyder (-8).
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