Redskins 3-3 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Week Six Recap

(America, land of the free, home of the redskins)

Another game down the drain, and though it was disappointing and kind of like fighting off your older uncle holding you in a cobra clutch, where you knew you were fucked the whole time but you just tried to hang in there long enough to feel good about yourself. And you do, so it is a win, sort of, because you did not choke the fuck out and start tapping on your arm, yelling “UNCLE!” like a bitch all quick-like like you did last year.
Because of this, I have not downgraded my positive/negatives from five-up/two-down, because shit man, Peyton Manning is like a hillbilly cyborg. I was so wishing that motherfucker would take a helmet-to-helmet braincrusher from the Meat and Potatoes defense, but it did not happen. It was a loss, but it was a primetime nationwide loss where they showed theyselves well enough, so I’m not gonna hate right this minute.
Here is the positive/negatives rankings for this game…
FIFTH DEGREE POSITIVE: LB Lorenzo Alexander. The very obvious identify shift of this team under Mike Shanahan is the blue collar mentality – dudes who come from bullshit or weren’t supposed to be where they are, with a giant chip on their shoulders, scratching and clawing their way onto a roster and into prominence. I would guess you see more actual starting line-up roster members involved in the Redskins special teams packages than you see most other places. And what makes Lorenzo Alexander so great is he came in at the end of Joe Gibbs 2.0 run, and was exactly that blue collar type – playing offensive line, defensive line, special teams, dude even played that weird H-back thing that was kind of a TE but kind of a FB. So as you build a new team and instill in the ENTIRE FUCKING ROSTER this blue collar mentality, when you have a hardscrabble dude like Alexander in the line-up, who has earned his all six figures on his yearly paycheck, five tasks per figure, it puts that fear of slack into the minds of the young bucks. The most amazing thing to me tonight was seeing Alexander’s face and pertinent biographical info on the screen, and he’s got 4 years experience? Holy fuck, it feels like that dude has been around forever, and he’s only 27.
FOURTH DEGREE POSITIVE: LB Chris Wilson. As I figure out who the fuck to write about in this each week, I have a notebook that I write down players names and draw an up arrow or down arrow or double sideways arrow, and I’ll double arrow it on big plays or add one when they kick ass or suck shit, and that’s how I initially take notes during a game, in between drinking beers like a hopeless degenerate and making sure dogs have not eaten more chickens in my yard. The past two weeks, my very first note for both games has been an all caps CHRIS WILSON with a two upwards pointing arrows, because on both opening kick-offs the past two weeks, Wilson has motherfucking out-the-gate crunched the kickoff returner inside the 20. That type of shit, albeit off the ESPN highlight radar, sets the tone, establishes the energy, and can make the difference. It also fits right into that whole blue collar fight for what you get fuck the ordained mentality that I really really REALLY want to believe this Skins team is starting to take on.
THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: LB Brian Orakpo. Holmes was “under the weather” and still was a force, causing a Peyton Manning fumble that helped keep the game close deep into the 4th quarter. Once the Skins make the full adjustment to the 3-4 and have a block clogger in the middle (where you at Haynesworth?) to where Orakpo is not so discreetly held all the time, or he learns a couple tweaks to his outside pass rush game, dude is seriously gonna be a fucking monster in this game. Thinking about a defense built around him and Laron Landry makes my football dick hard as fuck. And built around sounds too football dorky. Even a crappy ass defense with those two dudes in the mix is gonna be word ‘em up fuck yeah to watch.
SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: RB Ryan Torain. Cris Collinsworth was all too quick to point out how Torain got a little greedy, trying to make his own cutbacks instead of following the play a few times, and that might be why we didn’t see so much of the All-Torain Vehicle at the end of the game, with rookie Keiland Williams showing and proving well in end of the line time. Still though, Torain is a big, rambling dude who seems tackle-resistant. He ain’t gonna bust out an 83-yard TD sprint, but he will fight his way through for 8 yards. Shit man, he’s exactly what you expect from a Mike Shanahantastic offense, and I’m fine by that. It will be nice to have C.P. back and them have an actual two-RB backfield to choose from, with very different styles, although both smashmouthish. You know… it’s almost like somebody was trying to build something for once.
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: CB Phillip Buchanon. I have not been impressed at all with Old Man Bukes this year, but that last bonafide possession by the Colts the Skins had to stop to get the ball back for Donovan McNabb to either overthrow a pass or toss an INT on, Buchanon was clutch as fuck, and as veteran savvy as those preseason magazines that write up the corny blurbs for every player would have you believe he would be. He’s mostly been notable for stupid penalties, but hell, he made himself worthwhile on that one series alone for a quarter of the season at least. Now hopefully he can make some more shit like that happen.
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: T Trent Williams. The rookie has gotten some holding calls, including one key call in this Colts game, but the kid is busted up injury-wise and toughs it out and often times is left alone on the left tackle side of things and holds his own. He’s swag as fuck. He’s still learning how to circumvent the rules to be great, but the Skins have a solid foundation for that with former LT and penalty-master Chris Samuels involved with the team as a coach/intern type, and with the Shanahan Standard Crackback Dirtdog Blocking Schemes to run with. I fully expect Trent Williams to be the most awesome motherfucker ever in five years time.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: CB Carlos Rogers. Two INTs in his hand and out, and now it looks like he’s poisoned Kareem Moore as well. I don’t give a fuck how decent a corner he is, he’s got to start making those catches. Or at the very least, if he can’t catch a goddamned football to save his life, give up on even trying and just swat that shit to the turf, flex like, “Yeah motherfucker, don’t bring that shit in my house!” maybe even incorporating the Dikembe Mutombo finger wave, and eliminated that butterfingers bullshit from your PR completely. Because seriously, this dude can not catch a football.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: DT Albert Haynesworth. So Albert was deactivated because his half-brother died in a motorcycle accident where he was speeding. Whatever man, I understand that. Push the limits. Dude gets time off for that, but I thought that was last week? He finally got back and was still inactive, which whatever, at this point, to be honest, I’d rather they just not play the guy at all, and do the best with what they have. It’s that blue collar shit like I spoke of up above – find you a hard-working motherfucker and let him earn his spot. For the lazy fucks who just want to get paid, let ‘em sit there and keep on waiting to get paid again. But what brought this up for me during the game was there was no Haynesworth on the sidelines or anything, and then they do a camera shot to a luxury box with Big Albert and some skanky, scrawny ass chick all rubbing on his leg, leaned over. Now remember this is Albert Haynesworth who just got divorced and was dealing with legal shit with his ex-wife, and also got sued for abandonment by a stripper who he got pregnant as well (not to mention other various lawsuits and legal entanglements holmes gets into). But once the camera angle had been on them long enough for them to notice the TV screens in the luxury box, the chick pulls off of Albert and straightens her coat out across her lap like her dad just caught them in the living room making out, her looking over to her other side all of a sudden, to strike up a conversation with whoever happened to be over there, probably her girlfriend who she brought along who hadn’t had a word said to her for half an hour. And Big Albert Haynesworth just sat there, all leaned back, didn’t move a muscle, no matter how bad it looked. That’s Lord Albert Haynesworth, right there. If they could trade him before Tuesday’s trading deadline for a 6th round pick and a 12-pack of Leinenkugel’s, I’d do that shit in a heartbeat.

Season-to-date totals: LB Brian Orakpo (+13), LB Lorenzo Alexander (+12), LB London Fletcher (+10), S Laron Landry (+9), WR Anthony Armstrong (+7), RB Ryan Torain (+7), TE Chris Cooley (+5), PR Brandon Banks (+5), RB Clinton Portis (+4), LB Chris Wilson (+4), K Graham Gano (+3), GM Bruce Allen (+3), S Kareem Moore (+2), DE Philip Daniels (+2), P Hunter Smith (+1), head coach Mike Shanahan (+1), QB Donovan McNabb (+1), CB Phillip Buchanon (+1), T Trent Williams (even), WR Santana Moss (even), fan Raven Mack (-1), WR Malcolm Kelly (-1), P Josh Bidwell (-2), CB DeAngelo Hall (-3), CB Carlos Rogers (-4), owner Dan Snyder (-4), T Stephon Heyer (-7), and DT Albert Haynesworth (-7).