Redskins 1-1 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Week Two Recap

(since some chump mcinternet dude thought last week's graphic was racist, here is some pro-black shit for you this week)

Look, losing in overtime was painful as fuck, especially when we were sitting on a 17-point lead in the third quarter. But if did not fill with bloated excitement after barely beating the Cowboys last weekend, I shall not puncture myself with drastic cynicism after barely losing to the Texans this weekend. We will keep the positives/negatives at the same point, and just go with it. This team really hasn’t established its identity yet anyways. Last week, the offense was non-existent, and the defense scored the lone touchdown and eked out the win. This week, the defense looked like a limp dick in the final stages, and the offense actually was pretty goddamned awesome, other than the fact we don’t have anyone to run the ball. Goddamn I love me some Clinton Portis, but they should’ve found someone far younger to be his back-up. Larry Johnson looks fucking stupid when he’s on the field.
Anyways, let’s jump into the individuals who stood out or up during this game…

FIFTH DEGREE POSITIVE: TE Chris Cooley. I have mentioned him both weeks yet overlooked him in actual positives thus far this season, and it has to stop now. I actually yell “coooooooooooollllley” in the comfort of my own home when he gets the ball. And he had a few great ones yesterday. Actually, with him and Fred Davis, if Davis can learn to block half as well as Cooley, I’d say just run a double TE set all the time. Cooley is the man, and that guy that makes you proud to be a fan of your team. I want to drink beer with that dude and listen to the Scorpions and troll craigslist MF4M postings together.

FOURTH DEGREE POSITIVE: S Laron Landry. Everyone is on the “Laron Landry is the New Monster!” kick in Redskins fan land, but let us make note of how he blew a couple of coverages yesterday (if judging by the directions Carlos Rogers’ was rolling his eyes). Still though, man I hate to say this, but blowing coverages but also spearing QBs and generally instilling fear across the entire football field in the opposition’s offense, it’s like that first year Sean Taylor turned the corner and started to break out. It makes me excited to see what Landry does, and also has me hoping he does not try to fight off armed intruders with a samurai sword, though that is pretty gangsta.

THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: GM Bruce Allen. Every time I play Madden football the past five years, at home I wear the burgundy jerseys and gold pants like from my youth, and on the road, if I have to, I wear the white jerseys and burgundy pants like Gibbs era greatness. This is what they will be wearing this year, because of Bruce Allen’s influence. You see, when Bruce Allen was a kid, he hung out in the Redskins locker room when his dad – George Allen – was the coach. It was those memories that floated back to these uniforms. Why is this so awesome? Because most of Dan Snyder’s ownership era of the Redskins has been a weak ass attempt to recreate that Joe Gibbs era that made Snyder such a huge mark for the team. Bruce Allen is going the fuck back beyond that, basically subconsciously instilling in the team, through their uniforms, a “screw the Gibbs era, let’s make a new one motherfucker, this shit is bigger than all that!” attitude. Because seriously, Snyder needs to stop worrying about that shit and get the fuck out of the way. Plus, the burgundy and gold looks tight as fuck, with those striped socks. And finally those ridiculous yellow shoes that guys like Portis or Landry wear actually look good with the outfit. Makes me sad Fred Smoot’s not around to pimp it.

SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: WR Anthony Armstrong. Finally, a young WR actually breaking out during a game. Fuck you Malcolm Kelly, and good luck Devin Thomas on special teams. Play your role, and earn something motherfucker. Armstrong looks like he could really blossom into a serious threat alongside our 48-year-old other WRs.

FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: QB Donovan McNabb. There is something about Donovan McNabb that makes me not feel comfortable at all, even with how well he did yesterday. I don’t know, he seems too simple-minded and casual on the sidelines, and looks sort of dimwitted standing around. I sort of see why Eagles fans gave him such a hard time now. There’s just something about the dude. Still though, he had a great game, so I’ll tacitly give him a little bit of daps, though I’ll be quick to condemn the fuck out of him if he screws up. That’s how I roll… I am a fan.

STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: T Trent Williams. Dude has been solid for a rookie tackle who pretty much got left alone with DeMarcus Ware last week, and held his own (no pun intended). That motherfucker better not have no serious injury though, because I cannot take another year of Stephon Heyer being plugged into the line-up. Stephon Heyer plus more playing time equals hobble-legged Donovan McNabb equals the Rex Gannon era equals fuck fuck fuck fuck. I see the dominoes being set into place, so I really hope that Trent Williams shows back up by next weekend with all his Ozone-photo shoot ready tattoos to block that bullshit right quick. Also, mad props to Trent Williams for switching from #72 to #71, because this is the year of Dexter Manley’s re-emergence as the greatest of Redskin alumni. You really have to watch Dexter’s football show, because it has puppets, Dexter rambling about things, and hot bitches.

FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: Stupid fan Raven Mack. Look, I will not fault Graham Gano for missing that second kick. The kid was clutch last week when rushed out for a kick, and he actually nailed the first kick before they did the whole icing the kicker thing on him, and it actually worked. Fucked up thing was there was a giant Smirnoff ad on the jumbotron screen when Gano missed his second kick. I would not put it past Redskins business fucks to have purposely sold a deal to Smirnoff for whenever this season a kicker was iced by a timeout, regardless of which team it happened to.
Anyways, this is my bad. Usually when I start to waver in my beliefs, I settle myself with a few deep breaths then a few t’ai chi breath count exercises and slam a beer to get myself in proper psychic condition to support my team quickly, and get my energy back out there. We had guests around the house yesterday though, so when I started wavering in my beliefs the second kick would go in, I couldn’t settle myself in time, I still didn’t believe as it went far right. That’s on me. I think maybe I drank too much beer this weekend as I was drinking most of yesterday before the game and all afternoon Saturday smoking around forty pounds of bacon in my back yard. Alcohol, as great as it is, clutters your psychic powers with a cloudy haze, and I was in that haze when I should’ve been like, “FUCK YEAH GANO! YOU GOT THIS SHIT BITCH!” I think I am going to not drink the next few weeks and just get high instead.

SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: CB Carlos Rogers. Rogers finally had a notable interception, and of course he juggled it before he hauled it in. He also was part of some Laron Landry/Carlos Rogers confusion a few times that led to near TDs or eventual TDs or first downs or whatever. So for all the transgressions of the Redskins secondary, I sacrifice Carlos Rogers to this spot. I know it was Reed Doughty who was made to look like he was wearing concrete cleats as Andre Johnson hauled in the tying TD pass at the end of the fourth quarter, but how can you fault Reed Doughty? He is a simple legally deaf white guy, and there is absolutely no reason you should expect him to even be playing in the NFL. He’s got more of a CFL pedigree, if even that. Blaming him would be like kicking a three-legged dog with mange. But Carlos Rogers, this guy has been nothing but potential for what feels like 9 years. And he was clamoring for a new contract before the season began. That dude needs to step the fuck up more than just bobblecepting an errant pass from Matt Schaub because Schaub was a-feared Laron Landry was going to rupture his spleen.

Next week, we go to St. Louis to play the Rams. Conventional fandom says, “HOORAY! We should win that one easily!” I know that conventional fandom is bullshit and ruins everything good about a football team. I just hope somehow in these rumblings that we are going to maybe acquire Vincent Jackson, somebody gets confused in the Redskins front office, and we come back from St. Louis with Stephen Jackson, so that we have an actual RB to help our offense.

Season-to-date totals: LB London Fletcher (+9), LB Brian Orakpo (+8), S Laron Landry (+5), TE Chris Cooley (+5), WR Anthony Armstrong (+4), RB Clinton Portis (+4), K Graham Gano (+3), GM Bruce Allen (+3), WR Santana Moss (+2), head coach Mike Shanahan (+1), QB Donovan McNabb (+1), T Trent Williams (even), fan Raven Mack (-1), WR Malcolm Kelly (-1), DT Albert Haynesworth (-1), CB Carlos Rogers (-2), P Josh Bidwell (-2), and owner Dan Snyder (-2).