I hate football: Raiders 2009 defensive autopsy

The Raiders defense in 2009 really was in a no win situation. They could go out there and hold the opposition to 10 points and still be assured of losing the game. That's what happens when you have a fat asshole named JaMarcus Russell running plays called in by a fat asshole named Tom Cable. There were some games where the defense played solid games. There were, however, many, MANY more games where they just said LOL, I'M OUT and laid down. While there is a handful of solid players on the d side of the ball they also have some Grand Canyon-sized holes at key positions. I'm going to try and get through this without pulling a Private Pyle and decorating the walls with my brains, but I make no promises...

Unknown fan blowing past Tommy Kelly and Gerard Warren for a 60 yard TD

DEFENSIVE TACKLES
Tommy Kelly and Gerard Warren were over payed pieces of shit last year. Warren, an epic bust in Cleveland who played well enough in Denver to trick Al into thinking he was worth trading for. That was pretty much the end of it. He is a lazy turd who was finally let go this offseason. Think I'm being a bit tough on him? Someone left this kind farewell on his wiki page...

Realistically speaking, he never amounted to anything in the NFL and was a thorn in the side of any fan of a team that wasted a uniform and depth chart position on him.

Tommy Kelly is one of Al's pet projects. Undrafted out of Mississippi State, he earned a spot on the roster as a rotational defensive end. He played his heart out and started getting some real playing time before blowing his knee out in the '07 season. Being that Al Davis rarely identifies anyone with talent, his scarce finds are pretty much made men. Heading into the '08 season Al decided this undrafted defensive end coming off a knee injury should be the highest paid defensive TACKLE in the league. Never mind that fact that he is small for a DT. Never mind the fact that he hadn't really ever PLAYED DT. No, Al found this guy and he was determined to make sure everyone knew just how goddamned good he was. Of course, since becoming incredibly rich he has done precisely dick. Defensive Tackle was the biggest reason why everyone under the sun was able to run on the Raiders last season. Desmond Bryant was a late round pick last year and showed a little bit of talent, but not enough to make me want him to be a starter. William Joseph and retreaded former roid user Chris Cooper will be in camp. DT is a position of need. If Donkey Kong Suh somehow slips to #8 and Al passes on him for Bruce Campbell or another track star posing as a receiver I might have to choke a bitch.

DEFENSIVE ENDS
Richard Seymour is a warrior. A winner. A true pro. In other words, he's too good to be a Raider. And yet he is. This time next year when the Patriots are trying to decide who to take with what will no doubt be a top 5 pick that they got in exchange for Seymour, I'll probably not speak of him in such glowing terms. The fact of the matter is he's the best defensive lineman they have, and outside of Nnamdi, he's the only difference maker they have on the defensive side of the ball. On the other side of the line they liked what they saw in Matt Shaughnessy as a rookie. He has a good motor but he's skinny and gets pushed around a lot. He's fine as a 3rd down pass rusher, but I don't see him being an every down guy any time soon. Trevor Scott started out as a defensive end but ended up playing a lot of OLB as the year went on. He's a good pass rusher, but like Shaughnessy he's one dimensional. I think the Raiders could use him the same way the Bears used to use Mark Anderson back when they were still good. Jay Richardson plays a lot and has his moments. In fact, he's probably more suited to be an every down end than either Shaughnessy or Scott because he's OK at everything but not particularly good at any one aspect. Recently acquired Kamerion Wimberly might see some time at DE but will likely spend most of his time at OLB. DE isn't a position of need, and I pray they don't spend a 1st-3rd rounder on one.

LINEBACKERS
There was a time when Kirk Morrison was the best tackler on the Raiders. Then last season happened. He took a huge step backwards and was only given a 3rd round tender. Captain Kirk just never looked himself last season, and that probably had something to do with the fact that the pair of 300lbs. parking cones playing DT did nothing to so much as slow down opposing running backs before they got to the second level. He catches a lot of flack for not causing fumbles or making huge hits, but that's nothing new. He's not Ray Lewis. There's not a whole hell of a lot of Ray Lewises out there. What he is (or at least WAS) is a solid tackler who commands the respect of his teammates and sets up the defense. Thomas Howard also played like shit last year, for probably the same reason Kirk did. He's among the best coverage linebackers in the league, but last year he was too busy catching up to running backs that he didn't really get the chance to cover anyone. He's the fastest linebacker in the league, so naturally the Raiders don't use him as a pass rusher. He's not a great tackler, but he gets the job done. Ricky Brown is the linebacker version of Tommy Kelly, only without the bat shit crazy contract. Another one of Uncle Al's Undrafted Angels, he's basically on scholarship with the Raiders. He sucks ass. Sam Williams is another Al pick, and he's been a Raider for 73 years. He's never actually done anything and usually fills out a spot on the IR. Slade Norris will get a long look this year. Kamerion Wimberly was acquired for a 4th rounder, and I have high hopes for him. The Raiders pass rush was pathetic last year, and he could go a long way to helping that out. Ike Ekejiuba is special teams ace who could play some LB in a pinch. I wouldn't be upset if they stood pat with the LBs.

SAFETY
At long last Michael Huff started showing some signs of life last season. He finally grabbed the starting free safety spot and didn't let it go. The fact that he took so damned long to get the job away from Hiram Eugene should tell you all you need to know. He's starting to look like he might be a solid starter. Tyvon Branch is an absolute beast at strong safety. He showed a lot of potential as a rookie before blowing out his knee, and he came back last year strong. He made some huge hits and plays much bigger than he really is. I like him. Last year they took the unknown Mike Mitchell in the second round right on the heels of the DHB pick. Other than being used as a blitzer, he did nothing. He was actually alright as a pass rusher, but you don't spend second round picks on a fucking pass rushing safety. He's another on of Al's pet projects, so hopefully his presence will keep Al from falling prey to the siren sound of Taylor Mays 40 time. Safety is not a position of need, so I really REALLY hope they don't draft one early, if at all.

CORNER BACK
Al has been looking for years for corner to pair with Nnamdi Asomugha. He drafted Fabian Washington (over Aaron Rogers, I might add) and watched him do nothing. He drafted shit stain Stanford Routt, who, despite doing NOTHING, was given a 1st and 3rd round tender. It boggles the mind, man. He traded a 2nd rounder for DeAngelo Hall and then payed him a metric shit ton of money for 8 games before cutting his ass. Chris Johnson did OK last year as the other starter, but he's probably best suited as a nickle back. They are currently the only corners on the roster, leading me to believe Al is going to draft one in the 2nd or 3rd. Or he could really throw caution (and a shit load of money) to the wind and take Joe Haden with the 8th pick, which would be retarded. This is all unfair to Nnamdi, who is the best coverage corner in the league. I'm glad he getting paid a ton of money because having to spend his career with this lame excuse for a franchise is despicable.

There was once a time when people feared the Raiders defense. Jack Tatum knocked people into wheel chairs. Rod Martin crippled running backs. Howie Long sacked QBs and then bedded their wives. Mike Haynes and Lester Hayes said FUCK YOUR PASSING GAME. Matt Millen split skulls. Now they've become one huge running gag. Al's antiquated bump and run, cover 0, rush 4 bullshit 4-3 schemes no longer work in the NFL. Yet, out of arrogance, that decrepit old fuck insists that the unqualified meat puppets that "run" his defense do things his way. I would say he's probably going to die soon, but his mom lived to be 101 so we're probably stuck with his wrinkled ass for another 20 years. Fuck my life...