I had a sign the other day that it was time to start writing about the stupid fucking pro football team called the Washington Redskins the other day. You know those stupid fucking dot matrix design gear that the NFL started busting out in the playoffs last year, that the colors faded Tron-style from dark team shade to the light team shade, that looked stupider than Downs syndrome kids basketball rec league games? Well, I actually saw a half-retarded looking inbred woman in front of me at the grocery store buying chewing menthol chewing tobacco and vienna sausages in barbecue sauce wearing one of those hideous Zubaz 2010 monstrosities of a hoodie in Green Bay Packers style. Her face looked like it was clay and somebody had pinched her mouth forward too far and chipped up her teeth with a chisel after firing the clay into solid shape. Whatever racist mindframe said black people looks like monkeys really underestimated the visual appearance of many lower echelon white folks, who look not only like monkeys, but retarded monkeys at that. But seeing her stupid fucking hoodie while she emitted a vegetable oil/overheated picture tube from a 1989 large size television most people use for furniture nowadays if theys till have one smell, I was like, "Yeah... football."
I am still a Redskins fan, till I die. This will never change. I know our owner is the spoiled rich kid from Pee Wee's Big Adventure after he did PX90 for nine months. I know our new head coach is an alleged child molester with a mouth shaped like a porn anus. I know our $100 milllion free agent saviour from last season is disgruntled, not taking part if team workouts, and being shape shifted into a 3-4 defense that he's not really designed to do well in. But fuck it. I will enjoy each miserable fucking minute.
The big talk is, of course, quarterback. We behold the wonderful and glorious number four overall pick in the upcoming NFL draft, which traditionally has been a great boon to our franchise. How many of those three Lombardi trophies would we have earned if it had not been for the wonderfully high draft picks of Heath Shuler or Desmond Howard or Michael Westbrook or Lavar Arrington or Chris Samuels or Patrick Ramsey or Sean Taylor or Laron Landry or Carlos Rogers? The answer is three, because none of those fuckers ever helped us be successful to the necessary extent. To be fair, Sean Taylor just experienced his tragic demise about 20 years earlier than most NFL athletes, thus negating any chance he had for on-the-field glory. And Chris Samuels false started his way into our heart with his steady attendance to work and crookneck smile. And I guess Landry and Rogers can magically be worth a shit all of a sudden, of Coach Anusmouth speaks his magic white man words at them in the proper sunlight from a 33 degree angle. I am not sure how his coaching mojo will translate closer to sea level with the angle of the solar rays and lack of aurora borealis though. We will see.
Our current quarterback is the most nicest and mediocre guy that there ever was. Jason Campbell is a chill dude, there is no doubt about that. But at this point, he's had like 19 offensive coordinators in 12 years or some ridiculousness like that. And even though he's really nice, you can't start over at this point. He is damaged goods. It is like a girl who got gangbanged by 12 dudes in an amateur porn flick back in '98 declaring herself a born again virgin. Doesn't happen. Damaged goods. Do the "it's not you, it's me" schtick from Seinfeld and move the fuck on. Although yeah, keep him around this year until you're sure you've got some better hot young piece of ass that's not so sexually experienced. Maybe the old hot piece of ass can teach the new hot piece of ass a few sexy techniques and save having to fuck the new hot piece of ass over with 19 different coordinators.
So then I guess Dan Snyder, after the Bears did all the retarded first day of free agent money-wasting this year, was stewing in his office on his alligator skin couches, and was like, "I'll show them Bears. I'm gonna make a star out of their biggest failure." So he signs Rex Grossman. This begs the question, and I know Mike Shanahan's son Kyle, who is our new OC, worked with Rex last year in Houston, did they fucking watch any Rex Grossman tape? How can you suggest Jason Campbell is iffy from watching tape, and then sign Rex Grossman? Jason Campbell is a fucking field general compared to Rex Grossman. But whatever.
And then there's that fourth pick in the draft. Even though we have a pretty much non-existent offensive line at this point, no prime-of-their-life scoring threats at any skill position, and no shutdown asskicker in the secondary, the speculation is the Skins will take a QB with that #4 pick. Sam Bradford will probably be gone, and since his name rhymes almost with Matt Stafford, who was okay last year after sharing a first name with Matt Ryan, who was a breakout rookie the year before, conventional thinking is Sam Bradford is the guy to have. That leaves Jimmy Clausen as the guy people want to pretend is the Peyton Manning to Bradford's Ryan Leafdom. And people are hyping up Jimmy Clausen, probably just as a concerted effort to see how stupid the Redskins really are. And early signs suggested we were so stupid as to be set on drafting Clausen that I guess the same people were like, "Hahaha, let's start talking about how dramatically improved Tim Tebow's throwing motion is so that maybe the guy we all thought would end up playing tight end in the NFL, the Redskins might actually draft him as their QB." And I guess the Redskins have been rumored to be interested, even though everybody think #4 would be ridiculous, and many suggest he won't be around in the 2nd round. There has also suddenly been talk of Colt McCoy aka Chris Simms 2.0 garnering interest.
So in conclusion, already hitched to an owner I hope gets something far more immediate than AIDS, and now married to a coach I've never even remotely respected for anything other than his ability to capitalize on the natural abilities of centaur horse-man beast named Elway, I anxiously await what fucking complete asshole ends up being our new starting QB, to round out the personal frustration. Or maybe at least, we can keep Campbell and remain mediocre for another year. This is what it has come to. I am hoping we get back to mediocre. What the fuck happened to this beloved franchise of mine?
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