For now, just a preview.
2009 was a year of pain and disappointment and TERRIBLE VIOLENCE or whatever, but before I get to that, I better hit on a few things that have happened since last we met:- Gaines Adams is DEAD. What the HELLLLLLLLLLL.
- Mike Tice is the new offensive line coach, and he's way better at that than coaching a full team, so I'm fine with that. My only real problem with the dude is that he totally looks like he should be the bad guy rival dad in some family comedy type movie, where he goes "THAT'LL SHOW 'IM, SON!" after his kid totally pulls some dastardly shit on the son of Rick Moranis and/or John Ritter. I just hope 2010 doesn't end with Tice getting punched in the face by a suddenly-no-longer-cowardly Rick Moranis. Or by John Ritter either, because I'm pretty sure that getting punched in the face by a ghost dooms you to hell or something. And I'm fully against Mike Tice burning in hell. For now.
- Dusty Dvoracek got arrested for getting blasted and beating the shit out of someone a couple miles from my apartment again, and by the time the news hit, the reports were already calling him a "former Chicago Bears defensive tackle." So I get the strangest feeling that he's not going to be re-signed this off-season.- The Bears hired Mike DeBord to be their new tight ends coach. I don't know who the fuck that is.
- Johnny Knox made the final Pro Bowl roster, cementing his place as one of the top fifteen or so kick returners in the league who felt like driving to Florida on a week's notice.
- Mike Martz got hired to be the new offensive coordinator, which is weird, because after all those years of hearing about how the Bears "get off the bus running the football," they hired a guy who seems unaware that you're allowed to hand the ball off sometimes. Another strange thing is that this makes three former head coaches on the Bears' staff, which makes me wonder if they're not stockpiling potential dudes for an impending Lovie firing if shit starts hitting the fan early next year. Also, this reunites Martz with Rod Marinelli, and there's absolutely no way that this couldn't be the most ultimate of winning combinations.
But anyway, yeah, I've decided to start another one of those horrifying by-position season reviews. I'll try to mix things up a little, since there's only so many ways I can re-word "Roberto Garza was kind of okay, I guess," working in a little more nerdfag statistical analysis and such, and I'll try to do it in a different order, because it's hard enough to write something worthwhile about a backup free safety, and it's that much worse when you've gone through like 45 other players and you're burned out from making Marcus Harrison ecstasy jokes and nerding out so hard that you somehow manage to mention that one shitty defensive lineman from a few years ago who never made a real contribution, but you wish he would have stuck around, because his name was TRON. Somehow, I'm sure this will just get stupid and turn into a long, fever-brained descent into madness where I eventually call for the chainsaw-death of Jason McKie and ask Tim Shaw to have my retarded baby or something, but things like that happen when you blog. In the name of randomness, I think I shall start sometime soon with the goddamn linebacker position.
NEXT TIME: THE GODDAMN LINEBACKERS.
2 comments:
It was cruel of Topps to make a card of Lance Briggs looking like a retard.
Seriously, it looks like he just saw something shiny.
Also, Mike DeBord was the offensive coordinator at Michigan for a while. He, uh, he kinda sucks. I have no idea how he and Martz will get along because he is the stereotypical run the ball 116 times in a row and win with GRIT and EXECUTION type. I have no idea why he is coaching the tight ends, but philosophically this seems like a weird hire.
Unless, of course, the Bears just have no fucking clue what they are doing, and, well . . .
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