Earl Bennett looks PISSED.Flashback: Bears training camp, Summer 2009
Coach Drake: Alright men, listen. There's been a lot of talk about this being a weak position, and people are saying things about you being a raw, unproven group of receivers. And that's why I'm here to polish you into a lean, mean wide receiving SQUAD, just like I did in the past with guys like Mark Bradley and Marcus Monk. So the first thing we're going to work on is route-running. IGLESIAS! What do you do when you've reached the end of your route and your quarterback is still scrambling away from the defense?
Juaquin Iglesias: You try and get open?
Coach Drake: NO! No, fool, that's the LAST thing you do! If you're all runnin' around, freelancing and actin' a fool, how will Jay know where you are? When the route is over, it is OVER. You stay PUT. Didn't you ever play Tecmo Bowl, boy?
Juaquin Iglesias: Tecmo... Bowl? I was born in 1987, sir.
Coach Drake: Then I rest my case! Listen to coach, dammit! You listen to coach because he knows THE WAY. Okay. Now, we need to address the issue of catching the football. Remember, men: ALWAYS catch the ball with YOUR BODY. This is important because -
Devin Aromashodu: Are you sure about that, because I was always told -
Coach Drake: DON'T YOU INTERRUPT ME, RASTA! I'm coach, dammit! You put down them dopes long enough to get your attention span back up, and you might LEARN something! Listen to me! Listen to coach, dammit! Have you ever killed a man?
Devin Aromashodu: Um... What?
Coach Drake: Don't you sass me, boy! Stop sassin' and start listenin'! Listen to coach, dammit! Look at your body! Look how big your body is! Now look at your hands! Look how small those hands are! You catch the ball like you kill a man, fool, and when you kill a man, you aim for the center of mass! Why do you think they tell the quarterback to aim for the numbers? That's so he doesn't miss the head-shot and hit the hostage!
Devin Aromashodu: Wait, what!?
Coach Drake: NEVER MIND, DAMMIT! You stop all this sassin' back and pryin' into coach's painful, dark past and start listening! LISTEN TO COACH, DAMMIT!
Devin Aromashodu: Look, coach, um... Coach Dammit? I didn't mean anything by it, I was just gonna say that when I played in Indy, I used to talk with Marvin Harrison a lot, and he used to always tell me -
Coach Drake: You don't listen to no damn Marvin Harrison! What happened when he tried to kill a man? He hit him in the hand! Center of mass, motherfucker! You stop listening to that punk and you listen to coach, dammit! HINES WARD LOVES ME!
Hines Ward: LOL I'm Hines Ward.
Coach Drake: See what I'm saying? How are you ever gonna see the field if you don't listen to coach? Look at Rashied! He listens to coach! And guess what? He PLAYS!
Rashied Davis: YAAYYYY! I HAVE A SECURE JOB ON AN NFL TEAM, YAAAYYYYYYYYY! (runs after a squirrel)
Coach Drake: You see that, men! That's how you succeed! Now get your ass off my practice field and go run some laps, Tommy Chong! You listen to coach, dammit! Do you hear me, Kinder?
Derek Kinder: Yeah, coach! I'm ready to learn!
Coach Drake: That's the spirit! With me taking you under my wing, I think you're definitely still going to be on an active NFL roster come September, son.
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Seriously, though, we fired six offensive coaches and still kept THIS dude on the team? 2010 is going to be a long, long year.
1 comment:
I am giving you whatever the fuck the internet version of a standing ovation is. I'm not sure what that is, so use your imagination, no matter what dark roads it make take you down.
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