Week Fuck You - FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU

AAARRRRGGGHHHFUCK

I could just briefly and concisely state how I felt about the last few games and the general state of Chicago Bears football right now, but there's only so much entertainment value that I could give you people by typing "GOD DAMMIT, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT" in all caps and hitting the "publish post" button. So instead, I'll go the long and nerdy route.

So anyway, there we were a few months back, me and my special lady friend, checking out the new releases on the Walmart DVD rack. One thing leads to another, and we head home with a grip of Transformers and X-Men cartoon DVDs, because that's how we roll. I got no shame in saying that - Shit, you all already know what a stunted man-boy I am. But anyway, on to the point of all this. On this one episode of the X-Men cartoon, some weird shit happens that causes Magneto (usually the bad guy) to get on the video phone thing and call up Professor X (the good guy) for help. But the thing is, it's not like he pops up on the screen and goes "Mayday! Mayday!" or "Charles, I need your assistance" or whatever. No, the screen pops up and it's all just a shot of Magneto's face with a background of nothing but fire filling the rest of the screen, and he just busts straight out with the words, "TERRIBLE VIOLENCE!"

...And that's how I feel about the Bears right now. Not any of this "we need to execute better" or "there's a lot of football left to play" or whatever crap Lovie Smith is saying these days. Just imagine a TV screen with a picture of whatever your mind's eye pictures me to be, (And by this point, I'm guessing that you all picture me as a big bloated guy with a bowl cut, a neckbeard/molester mustache, and a Green Lantern t-shirt. Fuck all y'all.) in front of a backdrop of nothing but but fiery death, shouting "TERRIBLE VIOLENCE" with a madman's gleam in my eye. This might seriously be the worst season I've had to endure. For real, I now know what sort of secret world of pain and horror must exist for Jay Cutler's face to always look the way it does.

Seriously, this might be the happiest-looking I've ever seen that guy.

The offensive line can't block, the quarterback overthrows anyone that's not on the wrong team, and the running game is so weak that they simply stopped calling run plays. The defense can't stop anyone but the Lions and the Browns, and with almost half of it injured right now, that can only get worse. The Bears had the ball for 18 minutes Sunday. EIGHT. TEEN. MINUTES. The defense can't get off the field, and the offense can't stay on it. This is a goddamn disaster of a broken football team. I mean, how can... Fucking... What the... Raaaaauuuuuurrrrgghhhh TERRIBLE VIOLENCE


There's nothing left to do now but wait out the last six weeks of the season, knowing that there won't be a high draft pick to look forward to as compensation for the death-spiral this team is on. All we can do is watch, wait, and hope that next year brings a new regime with someone in charge who can do more than stare in jaw-dropped disbelief like Lovie Smith or get all Wile E. Coyote like Jerry Angelo, busting out with whatever Division II scrub the ACME NFL Draft Manual tells him to pick in the third round. We can wait, and we can hope for someone like Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, or John Gruden to ride in on a white stallion (Or better yet, ride in on a FUCKING BEAR. One that sounds like Ian McKellen.) and save this team, while knowing deep in our hearts that George Halas's pissant descendants will just hire whatever semi-hotshot coordinator offers to do the job for the least money, just like last time. And somehow, this will end in tears, disappointment, and at least a couple 7-9 or 8-8 season, just like last time. Because this is Chicago Bears football, and the hurting never stops.