"Oh, some animal died."
I suppose if there's anything positive to take from that game, it's that the Bears had to give the game away to lose, when previous years' teams would have just been stomped into dust by a team on the Falcons' level. Still, "well, at least you didn't get raped" is little consolation to someone who just slipped and fell in such a way that jammed an entire traffic cone in their colon.
The Bears looked okay from time to time, but they fucked up when they absolutely had to, and their "we're near the goal line, so it's time to eat all these paint chips" training regimen took away what would have at least been a game-winning nine points worth of field goals, and in a best-case scenario (or as it's known in Chicago, an "absolute impossibility") could have been twenty-one points worth of an on-paper blowout.
But with the highs of the Steelers win and the Lions chain-whipping in the rear view mirror, we're back to classic Chicago Bears football. Frustrating losses, "well, we just have to execute better" halftime adjustments, announcers ignoring reality to blather on about powerful running games and stifling defenses that don't exist, and near-certainty of a middle-of-the-pack final record that either means barely missing the playoffs or just sort of stumbling in and losing in the Wild Card round. A division title is pretty much out of the question at this point, because it's looking more and more like one of those years where Brett Favre saves his annual collapse for late in the playoffs, and at this point, we've got enough trouble just staying ahead of the stupid Packers. So we're back in the middle, neither a shitty team or a good team, scaring nobody at all but not being an easy win for anyone either. It's like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, but instead of having it get to the top and roll back down, it just gets jammed between some rocks about halfway up and sits there. Forever and ever, for life and now on. And I guess it's nice that the boulder hasn't rolled down the bottom, but it's still a bummer that it'll never get to the top in your lifetime. This is what the last twenty-some-odd years of being a Bears fan have been like.
DUDES I FIGURED I SHOULD MENTION:
Jay Cutler - When you're used to quarterbacks who brutally fuck up once and never play well ever again, I suppose it is nice to have a guy around who plays really well in-between his brutal fuckups. I suppose.
Matt Forte - I don't really count the Lions game, because all his yards came on two runs, and Jesus, it was the Lions, so this dude has done absolutely nothing all year. I'm starting to get worried that he's another one of those Rashaan Salaam/James Allen types who does great one year and just spends the rest of his career making you wonder if he'll ever do that again.
Brian Urlacher / Mike Brown - You know, the physical presences of Urlacher and Brown (who STILL isn't out for the season, for the record) haven't really been missed, and the Bears had a bunch of dudes back on the bench who could do the whole sideline-to-sideline tackling thing. What sucks with those guys being on injured reserve or in Kansas City is that no one knows where the fuck they're supposed to be half the time now. A no-huddle offense spells absolute chaos on the field, and I'm getting really worried that the Falcons game is going to be one of those weakness-exposing games that pretty much ruins the rest of the year.
Mike Tomczak - Fuck him, he killed Walter Payton.
Gaines Adams - He didn't play this week, but I figured I better mention him anyway. We traded away next year's second-round draft pick (which was our earliest pick after the Cutler deal) for this dude, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Dude hasn't been a total bust or anything, but he hasn't ever played up to the level of being the fourth overall pick in the draft, and hell, we could have picked up someone just as good or better - and a lot cheaper - with... Oh, I dunno... A second-round pick next year. I guess they're hoping that Rod Marinelli is some sort of magical elf who automatically unlocks the true power of all defensive linemen under his tutelage, but if that was true, maybe the Lions could have managed a 2-14 record last season. And with half the offensive line either career-shitty or so old that they're turning shitty, I think the Bears are piling up fat dudes on the wrong side of the ball.
Next Week: AARRRGGGHH GGAAAAAHHHHHBBBBBRRBLL
The Bears looked okay from time to time, but they fucked up when they absolutely had to, and their "we're near the goal line, so it's time to eat all these paint chips" training regimen took away what would have at least been a game-winning nine points worth of field goals, and in a best-case scenario (or as it's known in Chicago, an "absolute impossibility") could have been twenty-one points worth of an on-paper blowout.
But with the highs of the Steelers win and the Lions chain-whipping in the rear view mirror, we're back to classic Chicago Bears football. Frustrating losses, "well, we just have to execute better" halftime adjustments, announcers ignoring reality to blather on about powerful running games and stifling defenses that don't exist, and near-certainty of a middle-of-the-pack final record that either means barely missing the playoffs or just sort of stumbling in and losing in the Wild Card round. A division title is pretty much out of the question at this point, because it's looking more and more like one of those years where Brett Favre saves his annual collapse for late in the playoffs, and at this point, we've got enough trouble just staying ahead of the stupid Packers. So we're back in the middle, neither a shitty team or a good team, scaring nobody at all but not being an easy win for anyone either. It's like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, but instead of having it get to the top and roll back down, it just gets jammed between some rocks about halfway up and sits there. Forever and ever, for life and now on. And I guess it's nice that the boulder hasn't rolled down the bottom, but it's still a bummer that it'll never get to the top in your lifetime. This is what the last twenty-some-odd years of being a Bears fan have been like.
DUDES I FIGURED I SHOULD MENTION:
Jay Cutler - When you're used to quarterbacks who brutally fuck up once and never play well ever again, I suppose it is nice to have a guy around who plays really well in-between his brutal fuckups. I suppose.
Matt Forte - I don't really count the Lions game, because all his yards came on two runs, and Jesus, it was the Lions, so this dude has done absolutely nothing all year. I'm starting to get worried that he's another one of those Rashaan Salaam/James Allen types who does great one year and just spends the rest of his career making you wonder if he'll ever do that again.
Brian Urlacher / Mike Brown - You know, the physical presences of Urlacher and Brown (who STILL isn't out for the season, for the record) haven't really been missed, and the Bears had a bunch of dudes back on the bench who could do the whole sideline-to-sideline tackling thing. What sucks with those guys being on injured reserve or in Kansas City is that no one knows where the fuck they're supposed to be half the time now. A no-huddle offense spells absolute chaos on the field, and I'm getting really worried that the Falcons game is going to be one of those weakness-exposing games that pretty much ruins the rest of the year.
Mike Tomczak - Fuck him, he killed Walter Payton.Gaines Adams - He didn't play this week, but I figured I better mention him anyway. We traded away next year's second-round draft pick (which was our earliest pick after the Cutler deal) for this dude, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Dude hasn't been a total bust or anything, but he hasn't ever played up to the level of being the fourth overall pick in the draft, and hell, we could have picked up someone just as good or better - and a lot cheaper - with... Oh, I dunno... A second-round pick next year. I guess they're hoping that Rod Marinelli is some sort of magical elf who automatically unlocks the true power of all defensive linemen under his tutelage, but if that was true, maybe the Lions could have managed a 2-14 record last season. And with half the offensive line either career-shitty or so old that they're turning shitty, I think the Bears are piling up fat dudes on the wrong side of the ball.
Next Week: AARRRGGGHH GGAAAAAHHHHHBBBBBRRBLL
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